“Rizzoli & Isles” Retro Subtext Recap (1.01): Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

Remember when that crime show with the two good-looking leading ladies first started airing way back in July and you started watching and then started thinking, “This show is really gay.” And then you kept watching and kept thinking, “No, really, this show is super-duper gay.” And then, you were hooked and each week you were even more hooked and said, “No, I could not be more serious, these women could not be more gay for each other.” Remember that? Yeah, so do I.

So since you begged asked so kindly, and since no one could have guessed in advance how badly they were needed, we’ve decided to go back and give you the Rizzoli & Isles Retro Subtext Recaps you deserve of the beginning of the season. I’ll recap one episode a week until episode 8, when the regular Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recaps kicked in. So sit back, strap in and forget about the story. This is all about the subtext, baby.

WARNING: Some spoilers for episodes later in the season are included in these Retro Subtext Recaps. That’s the beauty of them being “retro.”

Anyone up for a spot of tea? Not this poor couple who could care less about cream or sugar what with the depraved serial killer terrorizing them in their living room. In fact, the whole thing has put me right off my biscuits. Across town, Jane Rizzoli, a.k.a.The Butchest Cop in All the Land (trademark pending), is beating her brother in a game of driveway hoops. That is until he elbows her in the nose causing a nasty bleed and angry glares from lesbians everywhere because, dude, why would you do that to Angie Harmon’s gorgeous, gorgeous face?

They go inside to stop the bleeding where their boisterous Italian mama (clichés are only clichés if you use ‘em) Angela Rizzoli chastises Jane for rough-housing with her brother. Every former tomboy knows that’s not-so secret mom code for: “Would you just act like a girl, girl.” Jane is saved from more lecturing by her cellphone, and is called away from the family dinner for a case. Mama Rizzoli tells her to ice her nose because she never knows if she’ll meet a nice guy at the crime scene. Oh, honey, let me give you some PFLAG pamphlets to read.

Jane checks herself in the car mirror, sees the bloody mess and says “Oh, my God.” Who could she be cleaning up for? At the crime scene, a sleek black Mercedes pulls up and out slinks a pair of stiletto boots. Hey, lesbians, it’s Dr. Maura Isles, a.k.a. The Femme Your Femme Could Be Femme Like (trademark also pending).

Some detective tells a reporter that she is called “Queen of the Dead.” Just then Rizzoli saunters up, takes offense (gotta defend your woman, am I right?) and takes over the investigation. Her new partner, Det. Barry “Blood Makes Me Hurl” Frost is doing just that. Inside Jane comments on the opulent surroundings, saying “We’re not in South Boston anymore, Dorothy.” Five minutes into this show and already a Wizard of Oz reference. Nope, this show isn’t gay at all. Det. Vince Korsak, Jane’s old partner, is also there because the scene is “that bad.” Together they walk in to inspect the worst tea party ever (well, unless we are talking upper case Tea Party, but do not get me started on that).