When last we left them, Armando and Mariana were drunk and making a pact to stay away from Julia. When next we see them, they are drunk and making a pact to stay away from Julia. They’ve gone through at least ten or fifteen sheets of paper in the process of drawing out their entire plan, so you know it’s very serious.
At some point, Armando tries to get Mariana to kiss him but Mariana reminds him that there are still one or two lesbians left on television who actually know the meaning of the word “lesbian.” They then set out to explain polyamory to each other by drawing a lot of dots on the paper and high-fiving each other.
Eventually, they fall asleep on the same bed and admit that they miss Julia. Armando reminds her of the pact they made, which is unbreakable and eternal and even sparkles in the daylight.
Julia, meanwhile, is in her bedroom watching that video Mariana made many episodes ago where she talked about how her love already had a love. That video always reminds me of Xena singing to Gabrielle, “The love of your love is you,” which is quite possibly the gayest thing ever. Also, it makes me think perhaps this whole situation would be resolved if Julia and Mariana went into the underworld and sang out their feelings.
Julia: What am I doing? I’m going to lose them both.
Don’t think like that, Julia. You’re made of Aparicio magic, which means people will follow you to the ends of the Earth and humor your every crazy whim no matter how many times you hurt them. It’s what makes you a special and unique snowflake.
The next morning, Julia asks if no one called her.
Rafaela: No one, Mariana? Or no one, Armando?
Julia tries to play it cool by saying that she wasn’t referring to either one of them, though we all know that’s a lie. Aurelia informs her that Mariana did stop by, which gets Julia all bouncy and excited until Rafaela reveals that it was only to drop off Julia’s share of the paycheck.
Julia is all “woe is me” because Mariana doesn’t want to see her. Her pity party lasts approximately half a second because no one RSVPs. Rafaela decides to kick her while she’s down by telling her that Mariana is just trying to stay away from the pain.
Julia: Excuse me, mom! Are you saying I’m the pain?
Rafaela: Yes, that’s what I’m saying. And I’ll also let you know that I told Marianita to stay away from you.
Julia: Whaaaaaaat?? Why would you do that?!
It’s quite simple, Julia: Your mother wants you to stop being a selfish jerkazoid. We all do.
Rafaela: You can’t keep playing with yourself or with Mariana or with that mindless Armando.
She then suggests that Julia get to know herself and what she wants out of life before attempting to get back into a relationship. Personal development and self-growth are not high on Julia Aparicio’s life goals so this advice doesn’t go over well.
Over at Armando’s, he and Mariana wake up with a massive hangover. Still, that doesn’t stop them from reaffirming their commitment to The Pact. It’s rock solid, yo.
Back at her apartment, Mariana finds memories of Julia everywhere, but thankfully Hernan drops by as a welcome distraction.
He asks what’s up, she says the usual. Since he’s not into riding the Crazytrain around Aparicioland, he suggests they watch a Charlie Chaplin movie.
Over at the gym, Julia runs into Armando, but he walks away from her after stealing her extra towel. Dude, she wanted BOTH OF THEM.
How very dare he.
In episode 68, we’re back with Hernan and Mariana. Poor Hernan didn’t manage to escape the Crazytrain after all, and so he’s forced to listen as Mariana tells him how Julia is more than just the love of her life; she’s her best friend and her family. Being without her is like walking around without a lung.
Hernan gives her a pep talk that goes something like, “Grrrrrl, none of that. You’re awesome and you don’t need a crazy ass lesbipolysexual making you think you’re half a potato.”
Hernan: You’re one of the most complete and able women I have ever known and you’re going to pull through.
Mmhmm. It’s not that I don’t believe that Mariana can live without Julia. It’s that I don’t believe that Mariana can live without Julia.
And vice versa.
Speaking of which, Julia decides to stop by Mariana’s to demand why she dropped off the money in an envelope instead of handing it to her directly. What does it all meeeean?!
Mariana: It doesn’t mean anything.
Julia: What do you mean it doesn’t mean anything? I’ve known you your entire life. Don’t act dumb.
Mariana: I have a lot of stuff to do. Why don’t we talk about this another day?
That doesn’t work, Mariana. We must all operate on Julia Aparicio Time. Don’t bother setting your watch, though, because JAT doesn’t stay the same for long.
Julia: You gave me the money in this envelope like … like …
Mariana: Like what, Julia? Like I couldn’t or wouldn’t want to see you? Think about it.
No time for thought, though, because it’s time for Armando to drop by unannounced. Let’s just say he’s none too happy to find Julia there.
Armando: I knew you were going to break our pact.
Julia: Pact? What pact?!
They try and fail to explain the pact to Julia. Armando says he just stopped by to return Mariana’s sock. Julia’s alarmed by the fact that one of Mariana’s socks ended up in Armando’s bedroom drawer.
Julia: I don’t understand anything!
Not to worry, Armando will explain.
Armando: Mariana spent the night at my house.
Julia: What?
Armando: Well these things they’re kind of … we drank a lot and you know how things are … kind of … unpredictable …
Julia demands that Mariana confirm what Armando said and she does.
Julia: Oh, okay, so now the two of you love each other, or what?
Mariana starts to answer because she looks totally freaked out by this entire conversation, but Armando interrupts her.
Armando: No I think it’s too early for that, isn’t it, Marianita?
Julia starts to say she doesn’t believe any of it because Mariana is gay. Mariana pipes in to say that she’s always believed that love is fluid and transcends gender. Armando tells Julia that now her V-shaped relationship turned into a closed triangle and that she needs to learn to control her jealousy and possessiveness.
Julia gets angry because she doesn’t believe what they’re saying (and definitely doesn’t want to believe what they’re saying). She asks Mariana to look at her and tell her the truth. Mariana is too freaked out to speak and refuses to look at her so Julia says she’s going to leave them alone to figure things out. But then she changes her mind and demands that Armando go with her because she refuses to leave Mariana alone with him.
Armando refuses to leave and tells Julia to talk to them later.
Julia leaves rather unhappily.
Mariana tells Armando to warn her next time he wants to have pretend sex with her and Armando says he didn’t know what else to say.
They eventually move to the living room to drink some beers to discuss the silly notion of the two of them together.
Mariana tells him that she’s never pictured them together at all because he’s not at all her type.
Mariana: But you know what you did, don’t you? You opened up Pandora’s box. If Julia decides she wants a triangle threesome we’re screwed.
Armando: Well, I don’t think I’d have a problem with that. But you would, no?
Um. Ew? Mariana agrees that it’s gross and tells him good night. But Armando says he has to stay over because he let Ileana and Bruno borrow his apartment.
Alone in bed, Julia thinks deep thoughts …
And we all go to sleep. When we wake up, we’re in episode 69, and it’s morning. Yawn. Where’s my coffee?
Armando is being a good houseguest and folding up the sheets he used the night before. Mariana tries to get him to leave but instead of leaving, he sits down so they can talk further about their “joke” from the night before.
Mariana hopes that all the nonsense turns out to be useful in the end and that Julia stops thinking of herself as the bellybutton of the world (her words, not mine) and makes a decision. Armando points out that Julia, technically, already made her decision and asks if Mariana would be willing to share her if that turns out to be Julia’s final decision. Mariana doesn’t know.
Armando decides it’s time for coffee and Mariana points him to the kitchen. This is a self-serve bed and breakfast.
The phone rings and it’s Julia. She tried calling Armando but he wasn’t home and she figures it means he’s with Mariana. But she doesn’t want to know any details. She does, however, want to speak to them both. Can they make it? Of course they can.
Armando: Did you see? She called me first.
Over at Casa Aparicio, Rafaela and Aurelia are alone at the breakfast table. None of the Aparicio women have shown up to breakfast. Aurelia suspects this means it’s the calm before the storm. Rafaela says that her girls have been very mysterious lately.
Just then, Julia storms in.
Julia: Are you talking about me or what? Surely, you are. Well, you’re forbidden from asking me anything about Mariana or Armando. I’m leaving and you can’t ask me where.
And Julia storms out.
Before they can say anything, Mercedes storms in.
Mercedes: Good morning, good morning. No! Don’t say anything. Yes, I spent the night with Claudio last night and it was incredible. It was delicious. I don’t want you to make fun or even comment on it, please. I’ll see you later. Bye.
And Mercedes storms out.
And then Ileana storms in.
Ileana: I suppose you already know I’m not a virgin anymore. I don’t want any comments, please. And no parties, either. Bye.
And Ileana storms out.
Aurelia: What a comprehensive news bulletin. And we didn’t even have to ask.
But back to Julia. She’s at the gym. Specifically, she’s in the pool daydreaming about Armando and Mariana.
That evening, the Little Trio That Could meet up in Armando’s apartment.
Mariana and Armando want to go get some alcohol to make the awkwardness of this whole thing more bearable but Julia wants to be sober when she talks to them. She tells them that she’s reached the conclusion that she’s being selfish.
Julia knows that nothing happened between them because she knows them well enough to know that that would be impossible. She also knows that they’re never going to accept the offer she made them and she thinks the best thing to do, for all of them, is to not be with either one.
This is Chapter 45 in The Julia Aparicio Guide To Getting Everything You Want (Even When You Don’t Really Deserve It). The tips in this chapter are threefold: Use reverse psychology, sprinkle in some tears, and (most importantly) wear a red bow on your head.
After that whole speech, everyone’s very depressed. Mariana says nothing, but she looks like all her thoughts have the #sufrocomoyosola hashtag. Armando tells Julia that he’ll always be there for her.
And then it’s time for Julia to excuse herself. She needs to let the magical red bow of doom do its job.
It doesn’t take long for its evil powers to kick in.
Mariana: Julia, you’re saying that you love us enough to let us go, no? The thing is … I love you too much.
She asks Armando if he’d be willing to go along with the threesome idea. He says yes.
Mariana: We’ll try it.
The Red Bow of Doom: Muahahahahaaaaaaaa!
And so it starts. Who’s buying the first round?
Ingrid Díaz is the author of Alix & Valerie, a professional blogger and non-recovering coffee addict. In her college days, she was a purple-haired LGBT rights activist. These days, she aims to change the world one lesbian love story at a time. You can read some of her work at www.midnightisland.com.
