“Grey’s Anatomy” minicap: “Superfreak”

Whilst walking down the hallway, April tells Meredith that it’s weird that Cristina slept in bed with her and Derek. Who told April? Meredith comes to her soul mate’s defense and tells April not to talk about Cristina and to mind her own business. Yeah, mind your own bees wax April! (When is this actress’s contract up?)

Dr. Bailey and her interns are waiting outside to meet up with an ambulance but instead they see Tess, who is arguing with her husband, Jerry, through the passenger side door of their car. Jerry won’t get out of the car and is hiding his face beneath a Unabomber hoodie. Bailey convinces Jerry to get out of the car, and when he moves he reveals that he has warts and tree-like growths all over his body. When Lexi sees Jerry’s face she screams dramatically and very inappropriately. Seriously, of all the messed up things Lexi has seen, I can’t believe a tree person makes her scream.

April and Meredith have been paired together to work with Teddy. Their case involves a virgin and her “more sexually experienced” fiancé. I’m not sure why this patient needs to tell her doctors about her sex life, or lack thereof, but I guess it makes a more interesting storyline then just drawing blood and signing paperwork.

McSteamy and Callie are hanging out together, again. It really bothers me that these two are “friends” and are constantly in scenes together, does it bother you too? McSteamy can’t stop staring at Lexi because he “loves her” and Callie advises him to look away and leave her alone.

Derek and McSibling argue about the patient’s brain tumor. Cristina has been assigned to Derek’s surgery but she doesn’t want to be a part of it. As the Shepherds and Cristina looks over the brain scans, Derek quizzes Cristina and every question he asks her she replies with, “I don’t know.” Come on, Cristina, you know everything! Well, except how to chose nice men. You know nothing about that.

Bailey, McSteamy and their interns speak to Jerry the TreeMan about his disease. McSteamy informs him that he has HPV (Human Papillomavirus), which is a common STD. A normal case of HPV would cause small warts to grow, but Jerry has an immune deficiency, which makes his warts grow out of control. Jerry’s wife, Tess asks if the doctors can just scrape the warts off Jerry’s body.

Bailey says, “No. Each wart has its own blood supply so they have to cut and stitch each one.” 

Jerry isn’t optimistic and doesn’t want to have the surgery, but Tess says if he doesn’t have the surgery she’ll leave him. The enormous tree-like growths have made Jerry a shut-in and he hasn’t left his house in years. Tess pleads with Jerry and says she wants him to get the surgery so they can go out in public again, even just go to a movie.

Tess, don’t worry. There haven’t been that many good movies out lately. But the next and final Harry Potter movie is going to be released in a few month and you don’t want to miss that. Come on Jerry, don’t you want to see what happens to Harry, Hermione and Ron?

Meredith is writing names on the operating board and McSibling asks her to add her name to Derek’s surgery. Derek walks up and erases her name on the board and McSibling storms off. Go back to your own hospital, McSibling! Meredith asks Derek why he’s being so rude to his sister. Derek tells Meredith that when they were kids, McSibling crashed his Mustang because she overdosed on pain pills. McSibling was dead for three minutes and Derek revived her. All of this happened after Derek’s father was shot and killed and their mother had to raise five kids on her own. Wow, the Shepherds need some serious therapy! McBeardy should stick around a little longer and help them.

Cristina pages Owen to join her in the cuddle room. They lie on a cot and Cristina asks Owen, “Would you love me if I wasn’t a surgeon?” Cristina, don’t talk like that!

Owen pauses, a little to long for my taste, then replies, “I would love if you were a plumber. But would YOU love you if you weren’t a surgeon?” Cristina would make one badass plumber.

Cristina: I can’t sleep with you’re not there.
Owen: Then I’ll be there.

Dear Shonda Rhimes, Please don’t make me like this couple! They are totally wrong for each other and would make really ugly babies. Sincerely, Bridget

Callie asked Meredith to help her get Cristina out of her apartment since Arizona will be moving in soon. Meredith snaps at Callie and tells her that Cristina is a mess right now and Callie shouldn’t be pushing her out of her apartment. Meredith storms off and Arizona approaches Callie.

Calzona Scene # 2 – Start the clock at the 15 minute and 54 second mark:

Arizona smiles at Callie and asks, “Did you talk to her about Cristina?

Callie: We’re monsters!

Callie walks off and the scene ends. Stop the Clock at the 16-minute mark. That’s six more seconds for the lesbians! Bringing the new Calzona screen time total to: 1 minute and 13 seconds.

Calzona, you’re not monsters! You just want to move on with your lives and have some loud lesbian sex without worrying if your co-workers are listening.