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“Grey’s Anatomy” minicap: “Superfreak”

Welcome to Grey’s Anatomy Season 7, Episode 3 entitled “Superfreak” aka “Give Calzona More Screen Time!” I have decided to time each scene that Callie and Arizona are in together during this 43-minute episode to prove that the lesbian couple is getting the short end of the stick. My prediction is that Calzona gets less than three minutes of screen time.

The show starts off with a knock, knock, knock at Meredith’s bedroom door. Derek and Meredith are sleeping and a knocking Cristina opens up the door and crawls into bed with the McDreamys. Meredith tells Cristina that Derek is sleeping so he won’t care that she’s in bed with them. But of course Derek wakes up and attempts to cuddle his wife and finds Cristina spooning Meredith on the other side. Last week Grey’s resembled gay porn and this week it’s turning into TLC’s new show Sister Wives.

McBeardy job is complete so he’s gathered all the doctors together to say his goodbyes. The only doctor McBeardy still hasn’t cleared for surgery is Cristina. Derek says he’d like to work with Cristina and everyone pipes in and says she’s not ready yet. Derek says that if Cristina doesn’t participate in surgeries soon that she’ll leave the program. Derek gives an ultimatum, “If she goes, I go.” Derek exits and tells Cristina that she’s now assigned to work with him. Cristina protests and Derek walks off.

Calzona Scene # 1 — Start the clock at the 3 minute and 22 second mark:

Arizona tells Callie that it’s time for Owen and Cristina to move out. Arizona will be moving into Callie’s apartment soon and the newlyweds should get a place of their own. Plus, Cristina’s PTSD is bringing a bad vibe into the apartment.

I can’t believe all these doctors live together. Aren’t they all rich? Shouldn’t they have their own apartments, if not large mansions? Since Callie and Arizona rarely ever get their own scenes together, it’s not surprising that Teddy is in the room crying over McBeardy’s departure. Arizona reminds Teddy that she wasn’t supposed to get attached to McBeardy and she needs to be tough like G.I. Jane. Does that mean Teddy’s going to shave her head?

Teddy: I’m such an idiot. I’m not G.I. Jane, I’m Attachment Barbie!

Arizona gets up and hugs Teddy. (Wait, no hug for Callie? She’s your actually girlfriend!) Arizona tells Teddy that she’ll feel better if she tells Cristina to get out of Callie’s apartment. Teddy laughs and the scene ends at 4:29.

Stop the clock at the 4 minute and 29 second mark. Total Calzona screen time: 1 minute and 7 seconds.

There is a new doctor in town, Derek’s sister, Doctor Amelia “Amy” Shepherd. McSteamy hits on her (of course) and guess what, she’s a neurosurgeon just like her big brother. Which means the Shepherd family must have a lot of student loans.

Amy shows up to rekindle with her relationship with Derek since he won’t return her phone calls. Some people are just not phone people. Derek seems more like a texting kind of guy to me.

Amy brings Derek a gift, a patient with a brain tumor. I’d prefer a gift-card from Macy’s. Derek is less than happy to see his McSibling and tells her to go home. McSibling can’t go home yet because there is still 38 minutes left in this episode. Derek asks McSibling if she met the brain tumor patient in the Mile High Club.

In case you don’t already know, joining the Mile High Club is when you have sex on a plane. Airplane bathrooms are too small for one person, how can two people possibly have sex in them? That’s a rhetorical question. Please don’t answer.

Meredith doesn’t understand why Derek is being mean to his sister and encourages him to buy McSibling a cup of coffee. Derek says that he has lots of sisters and can’t afford to buy them all coffee. How expensive if coffee in Seattle these days? Apparently, there are five Shepherd children. I didn’t know that, did you?

Whilst walking down the hallway, April tells Meredith that it’s weird that Cristina slept in bed with her and Derek. Who told April? Meredith comes to her soul mate’s defense and tells April not to talk about Cristina and to mind her own business. Yeah, mind your own bees wax April! (When is this actress’s contract up?)

Dr. Bailey and her interns are waiting outside to meet up with an ambulance but instead they see Tess, who is arguing with her husband, Jerry, through the passenger side door of their car. Jerry won’t get out of the car and is hiding his face beneath a Unabomber hoodie. Bailey convinces Jerry to get out of the car, and when he moves he reveals that he has warts and tree-like growths all over his body. When Lexi sees Jerry’s face she screams dramatically and very inappropriately. Seriously, of all the messed up things Lexi has seen, I can’t believe a tree person makes her scream.

April and Meredith have been paired together to work with Teddy. Their case involves a virgin and her “more sexually experienced” fiancé. I’m not sure why this patient needs to tell her doctors about her sex life, or lack thereof, but I guess it makes a more interesting storyline then just drawing blood and signing paperwork.

McSteamy and Callie are hanging out together, again. It really bothers me that these two are “friends” and are constantly in scenes together, does it bother you too? McSteamy can’t stop staring at Lexi because he “loves her” and Callie advises him to look away and leave her alone.

Derek and McSibling argue about the patient’s brain tumor. Cristina has been assigned to Derek’s surgery but she doesn’t want to be a part of it. As the Shepherds and Cristina looks over the brain scans, Derek quizzes Cristina and every question he asks her she replies with, “I don’t know.” Come on, Cristina, you know everything! Well, except how to chose nice men. You know nothing about that.

Bailey, McSteamy and their interns speak to Jerry the TreeMan about his disease. McSteamy informs him that he has HPV (Human Papillomavirus), which is a common STD. A normal case of HPV would cause small warts to grow, but Jerry has an immune deficiency, which makes his warts grow out of control. Jerry’s wife, Tess asks if the doctors can just scrape the warts off Jerry’s body.

Bailey says, “No. Each wart has its own blood supply so they have to cut and stitch each one.”

Jerry isn’t optimistic and doesn’t want to have the surgery, but Tess says if he doesn’t have the surgery she’ll leave him. The enormous tree-like growths have made Jerry a shut-in and he hasn’t left his house in years. Tess pleads with Jerry and says she wants him to get the surgery so they can go out in public again, even just go to a movie.

Tess, don’t worry. There haven’t been that many good movies out lately. But the next and final Harry Potter movie is going to be released in a few month and you don’t want to miss that. Come on Jerry, don’t you want to see what happens to Harry, Hermione and Ron?

Meredith is writing names on the operating board and McSibling asks her to add her name to Derek’s surgery. Derek walks up and erases her name on the board and McSibling storms off. Go back to your own hospital, McSibling! Meredith asks Derek why he’s being so rude to his sister. Derek tells Meredith that when they were kids, McSibling crashed his Mustang because she overdosed on pain pills. McSibling was dead for three minutes and Derek revived her. All of this happened after Derek’s father was shot and killed and their mother had to raise five kids on her own. Wow, the Shepherds need some serious therapy! McBeardy should stick around a little longer and help them.

Cristina pages Owen to join her in the cuddle room. They lie on a cot and Cristina asks Owen, “Would you love me if I wasn’t a surgeon?” Cristina, don’t talk like that!

Owen pauses, a little to long for my taste, then replies, “I would love if you were a plumber. But would YOU love you if you weren’t a surgeon?” Cristina would make one badass plumber.

Cristina: I can’t sleep with you’re not there.

Owen: Then I’ll be there.

Dear Shonda Rhimes, Please don’t make me like this couple! They are totally wrong for each other and would make really ugly babies. Sincerely, Bridget

Callie asked Meredith to help her get Cristina out of her apartment since Arizona will be moving in soon. Meredith snaps at Callie and tells her that Cristina is a mess right now and Callie shouldn’t be pushing her out of her apartment. Meredith storms off and Arizona approaches Callie.

Calzona Scene # 2 — Start the clock at the 15 minute and 54 second mark:

Arizona smiles at Callie and asks, “Did you talk to her about Cristina?

Callie: We’re monsters!

Callie walks off and the scene ends. Stop the Clock at the 16-minute mark. That’s six more seconds for the lesbians! Bringing the new Calzona screen time total to: 1 minute and 13 seconds.

Calzona, you’re not monsters! You just want to move on with your lives and have some loud lesbian sex without worrying if your co-workers are listening.

It’s Girly Gossip Time!, starring Teddy, April and Meredith. While operating on their virgin patient, the ladies are discussing sex and virginity. I hope that if I ever have surgery, my doctors only discuss my medical condition and their love of golf that during my operation. Teddy is searching for a mass inside the patient and instead she finds a condom lodged in the patient’s lung. Come on, it happens. Well, not usually to virgins, but it happens!

Meredith and her posse of doctors are walking down the hallway discussing the virgin patient. Meredith says she feels bad that her fiancé still thinks she’s virgin.

April speaks up and says, “She can still be a virgin just because she’s 27; I mean it’s not impossible.” Oh no, April. Are you implying that you’re a virgin? I’m not really surprised though; she’s too annoying to have sex with.

Owen talks to Derek about Cristina sleeping in his bed. Derek clarify that yes, Cristina was sleeping in bed with Derek and Meredith, but really Cristina was just technically sleeping with Meredith. How does that help?

Then Derek compares Meredith and Cristina’s relationship to the movie E.T. Cristina is E.T. and Meredith is Elliot, E.T.’s little boy friend.

Can I be Drew Barrymore?

Derek says that he and Owen are the government officials in the white Hazmat suits, but E.T. and Elliot have a connection that they’ll never understand. Do you think Meredith knows that her husband thinks her best friend is an extraterrestrial?

The doctors are all standing around talking about the first time they had sex. Aren’t there any sick patients in this hospital? Alex and Meredith both lost their virginity in high school, Cristina had sex for the first time in college and Dr. Jackson McBlueEyes said his first time having sex was with two women. Yeah, join the club buddy! April refuses to discuss her sex life. Thank you, April.

Then Alex pipes in and says to April, “Ha, you’re a virgin.” April freaks out and insists that she has had sex before, which is obviously a lie. Meredith tells the gang to stop picking on April.

Once again Derek and McSibling are arguing about their patient, but it’s all subtext for their relationship and their father’s unfortunate death. McBeardy should definitely stay on and counsel these two.

April tells the virgin patient about the condom they found in her lung. The patient’s fiancé yells at her and walks off. What a hypocrite! He’s had sex before. But why didn’t April ask the fiancé to leave and tell the patient about the condom in private?

Derek, McSibling and Cristina are operating on their brain tumor patient. Something goes wrong in surgery and Derek instructs Cristina to “pack the patient.” I’m not sure what that means, but Cristina has an anxiety attack and tells Derek that she can’t do it. Maybe Cristina doesn’t know what “packing the patient,” means either. McSibling steps in and packs the patient and Cristina huddles against the wall.

In the other operating room, Jerry the TreeMan is having his warts removed one by one. Lexi asks Bailey if she can be excused so she can go outside to the waiting room and report the patient’s status to his wife. Bailey won’t let Lexi leave and makes her stay and watch the surgery.

The virgin patient is crying to Meredith and April and her fiancé walks back in and demands that she give him his mother’s wedding ring back. April tells him that the virgin patient is still a virgin. It is all just a misunderstanding. The virgin patient’s friends threw her a bachelorette party and made her put a condom on a banana with her mouth and she accidentally inhaled the condom. Come on, it happens!

It’s odd that April is telling this guy about his fiancé’s sexual promiscuity with fruit rather than the woman telling him herself. These two aren’t going to have a successful marriage if they can’t communicate with each other. The fiance laughs it off and says the wedding is back on. I guess this is supposed to be a happy ending but that guy was a jerk for walking out on his fiance without even letting her explain what really happened.

And gay couples are the ones ruining the sanctity of marriage?

Once Derek finishes operating on his brain tumor patient, Cristina asks to be excused from surgery and Derek lets her go. McSibling turns to Derek and calls Cristina a dud surgeon. Them’s fightin’ words! Derek tells McSibling that Cristina saved his life and yells at McSibling to leave his OR! McSibling exits and I wish she just kept walking until she got to the airport but there iare still a few more minutes left to this episode, so I’m sure she’ll be back for one more scene.

While Bailey is cutting off her patient’s warts, a spider crawls out from one of the growths. Bailey screams and yells at Lexi to kill the spider. What did that spider ever do to Bailey? Lexi stomps on the spider and kills it. And 10,000 baby spiders are now orphans. RIP Charlotte: September 2010 – October 2010.

Cristina might be too scared to operate, but her hair is fabulous in this episode. Derek confront Cristina and tells her that they might have not chosen to be in each other’s lives, but they are family now and he cares about her. Derek tells Cristina that she has a lot of potential and he doesn’t want her to give up on her career.

Apparently it’s confrontation day, because the Chief confronts Alex who’s been running up and down the stairs all day because he’s avoiding the elevator. The Chief says he knows that Alex almost bled to death in the elevator but he wants to help Alex over come his fear. The Chief gets in the elevator and says that they will ride up and down all day together until Alex gets over being scared.

Most of the doctors at Seattle Grace still have some serious PTSD. They should consider shutting down the hospital for a few months since it’s clear that most of them aren’t ready to operate.

Jerry the TreeMan is out of surgery and McSteamy tells Tess that the skin graphs won’t be able to be done for at least six months. Tess pleads that her husband has to get better because she hasn’t touched him in four years. She loves him but love isn’t enough any more. Gee, that’s depressing.

Derek takes Cristina to a private operating room so she can practice surgery on a dead body. Derek starts by trying to get Cristina to remember the surgery she performed on him, which saved his life. Derek hands Cristina the scalpel and Cristina successfully cuts into the corpse. Then Derek asks Cristina what happened next and Cristina reaches for another medical instrument and continues working on the corpse recreating the surgery she performed. Success!!!

McSibling walks out of the hospital in her high heels (if I was the wardrobe stylist I would have put her in a pair of Keds) and Derek is standing waiting for her. Derek reminds McSibling about what really happened the day their father was shot. Their father was in a store that was being held up by a gunman and Derek and McSibling witnessed the whole thing. The gunman asked their father for his watch and he refused to give it up since it was a gift from his wife, Derek and McSibling’s mother. So the gunman shot and killed their father. That must have been one nice watch.

McSibling remembers crying out for her father but Derek covered her mouth and held onto her to keep her safe until the gunman left. Derek says he always wanted to keep his sister safe and that’s why he hasn’t called her to tell her about his almost fatal shooting.

Derek: You’re loud and fearless and it scares the crap out of me.

Derek and McSibling hug.I wish Calzona hugged in this episode. A topless hug would be even better.

Speaking of Calzona, they are in another scene together!

Calzona Scene # 3 — Start the clock at the 47 minute 29 second mark:

Bailey sits with Arizona, Callie and Teddy and passes around the bottle of brandy that she keeps in her locker. Bailey whines about her arachnophobia, Arizona whines about Callie’s living situation, “We’re going to live in a frat house forever.” I would LOVE to pledge Kappa Kappa Calzona! Wouldn’t you?

Teddy whines and cries about how she got too attached to McBeardy and speaking of McBeardy, he dramatically opens the door like Captain Morgan and breaks up the party.

Bailey, Arizona and Callie scuttled out of the room so stop the clock at the 49-minute mark! Which adds another minute and 31 seconds to the Calzona screen time bringing the new lesbian screen time total to: 2 minutes and 44 seconds.

McBeardy sits down with the crying Teddy and tells her that she falls for men that aren’t available. She liked Owen who was engaged and McBeardy who was only around for a few weeks. Then McBeardy says he has “incredible magnetism.” I think he was joking but we all know the he and his beard meant it.

The Chief and Alex are still riding up and down in the elevator. Who knows how much time has passed, but wouldn’t it be awesome if the elevator got stuck?

McSteamy fills out Jerry the TreeMan’s medical paperwork and sees Tess kiss her husband on the cheek for the first time in four years. It mustn’t have been a very good kiss, because Tess grabs her coat and walks out on him.

The gang is gathered at the local bar getting drunk. Meredith, Alex and Jackson McBlueEyes are still teasing April about being a virgin and Lexi sits down and joins in on the fun.

April has had enough and says, “I’m a virgin, so what?” Then she reveals everything that wrong with all of them. McBlueEyes has nightmares (I didn’t know they lived together?), Alex is afraid of the elevator, Meredith is scared that Cristina is permanently screwed up and Lexi doesn’t realize that McSteamy is in love with her.

April, “I am a 28-year old virgin. I’m pretty sure that guys find me annoying.” And so do I! April takes a shot of alcohol and Meredith says, “Oh April, I’m liking you more and more”

Back at Kappa Kappa Calzona, Owen walks through the front door and Cristina is sitting on the couch in her pajamas. Aww, she looks really cute! They cuddle up on the couch together and Arizona and Callie bust in the front door, passionately making out and ripping off their clothes. I know I’m supposed to be counting how long they are on screen together but they are getting naked, so I lost my focus. Let’s just say 10 seconds, shall we? Calzona throw their clothes at Owen and Cristina and exit into their bedroom.

Cristina turns to Owen and says, “We have to get our own place.”

Back at Seattle Grace, Lexi shows up at the hospital to confront McSteamy and see if he’s still in love with her but instead Lexi sees him making out with McSibling. If anyone should have HPV and be covered in tree warts, it should be McSteamy.

In summation, Calzona got a total of 2 minutes and 54 seconds of screen time (I knew it was going to be less than three minutes!), April is a virgin and will probably end up losing her virginity to one of the dumb male doctors in the next few episodes (my guess is McBlueEyes), the McSteamy and Lexi saga will probably continue until this season finale and I’m going to go re-watch the Calzona make out scene right now!

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