“Coronation Street” recap: Kiss and Tell

When last we left our young Weatherfield lezzers, Sian skived off prom for an appendectomy and while she was in the throes medicated slumber, Sophie confessed her love. Luckily, in SoapLand, invasive surgery is over in a flash and you can return home in a matter of hours. So it is with Sian who hops out of her cab on Coronation Street and — clutching her left side — declares that she is still a little sore, but ready to get back to her regularly scheduled teen angst.

Sian, honey, either you really were faking your paralyzing pain to get out of prom — which, again, I totally approve of — or the doctor removed something other than your appendix.

Before the girls can properly discuss the fact that Sian’s parents have taken no interest in her major surgery and wonder if she’s going to be OK being raised by wolves now, Ryan appears. Sian says Ryan saved her life, and Ryan says, "I wouldn’t go that far." And you know who else wouldn’t go that far? Sophie.

The only "far" that Soph wants w/r/t Ryan is "far away." But he doesn’t pick up on the hate rays emanating from her eyeballs; instead he asks Sian out. Sian looks at Sophie and says that day time would be OK, and he says, "How about today?" And she says, "OK." And Sophie’s face says, "Tonight is the night I will axe-murder you in your sleep."

Sian picks up on Sophie’s hate rays immediately and explains that she couldn’t say no on account of Ryan did, in actual fact, do the one thing every single person in Ryan’s situation has always done since the history of appendix pain: Call for help. Sophie is gifted with the "go die in a fire face" (GDIAFF), which she utilizes on Sian before storming away.

Sian thinks she’s popping round to Ryan’s for a friendly lunch between mates, but Ryan has taken love advice from one of his mum’s potential suitors. So instead of kebabs and beer, fancy soup and water are the order of the day. Because "water is what people in L.A. drink for lunch." Which is … true. But isn’t that true, like, everywhere in the world? I mean, I’ve only traveled in North America, Europe and the Caribbean, but water kinda seems like a beverage staple. Anyway, Ryan gets cozy and takes Sian’s hand and asks her to a music festival, which is, of course, Sophie’s cue to bust up into Ryan’s flat.

Ryan goes, "What do YOU want, Sophie?"

Um, for starters, she wants you to take your hands off her girlfriend, Ryan.

Sophie’s GDIAFF returns with a vengeance and so does her clomping exit strategy. Sian chases after her, even though the doctor specifically told her not to exert herself after her supposed appendix surgery.