“Coronation Street” recap: Vow of Celibacy

So, I made a slight miscalculation on how long it’s going to take us to catch back up with Sophian — or Siophie. I don’t know; everyone tells me something different — but that’s OK because they won’t be back until November anyway. So I’m just going to keep bringing you your daily dose until the we’re in real-time, and then we’ll move to weekly recaps. Savvy?

Last time: Ryan caught Sophie and Sian snogging and flipped the frak out — but Sian calmed him down and he agreed not to tell anyone.

This time: Sian and Sophie are out of school for the summer, apparently, and so is Ron Weasley, who accosts them about being up so early while on holiday. Sophie says she’s got a job, and Ron Weasley says he’s not going to sixth form and uni no matter how good his GCSE results are, because he doesn’t want a lifetime of student debt. Of course we know the real reason he is not going to sixth form and uni is that Ron Weasley attends Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where he spends his days mixing potions and playing Quidditch and pining away after my girlfriend, Hermione Granger.

Sophie rehashes last week’s plot because soaps don’t have that whole Will Schuester super-speed recaplet at the beginning of every episode about, "That’s what you missed on CORRIE!." She says there’s no way Ryan is going to keep his gob shut on account of: a) This is the biggest secret he’s ever had, and b) He hates their giant gaymo guts. Sian says that he promised, but then Ryan pops up out of nowhere — a pattern, actually; Sophie is going to Apparate in just a few minutes — and scowls and gnashes his teeth and is silently horrible.

At Sophie’s shop, Sian has a bit of a panic attack about their potential outing due to Ryan’s scorn, but Sophie’s been taking lessons from Serena van der Woodsen about how Gossip Girl only has power over you if you have secrets.

Sophie: Me and you — it is what you want, yeah?
Sian: You know it is. Why? Don’t you?
Sophie: Yeah, of course — so it’s going to come out anyway.
Sian: Yeah, but—
Sophie: And I’m going to have to tell my mum and dad …
Sian: No.
Sophie: … about me and about how I feel. I can keep you out of it.
Sian: Why do you need to tell them? It’s not like we’ve done anything, not really. And how are you supposed to tell them without—

They are interrupted by Ryan’s mum who wants some milk and also a chance to get all up in Sian’s nut about whether or not she’s going to give her horrible son a second chance. The directing on Corrie is very soapy and I frikkin’ love this shot of Sophie standing behind Ryan’s mum, scowling her particular Sophie Scowl and shaking her head at the same time, like Sian needs to be coached or something. "No. You do not want to get back with Ryan." It’s hilarious. Also hilarious is that Ryan’s mum calls him a "cackhanded numpty." I have no idea what either of those words mean, but I am implementing them both into my vocabulary immediately.