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“Coronation Street” recap: Lez-beans

Last time: Ryan said he’d keep quiet about Sophie and Sian snogging, and then he changed his mind, and then he changed his mind again, and then he changed his mind again, and then he changed his mind again. Then he felt some feelings. Then he sold Sophie and Sian some concert tickets, presumably because he’s a nice guy, but actually because no one wanted to sleep in a one-man tent with him and he was out 90 quid.

This time: Sophie and Sian are snuggled up on the couch. Well, actually, Sophie is doing her nails and Sian is snuggled up to her laptop. Which: Love me, Love my internet, I always say. Sian says they’ve really got to get to this music festival because Vampire Weekend is going to be there. (Did you guys know Vampire Weekend’s Contra actually sold more copies in the UK than in the US, further proving the UK’s superiority?) Sophie snaps that she said she’d ask her mum as soon as she got in and Sian rightly suggests they “do the hoovering” to get on her good side.

Sophie goes, “Look, Sian – if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Rosie, apart from how to dress like a hooker, it’s that my mum always knows when you’re after something. It’s best just to ask her straight up.”

She does ask her straight up when she arrives home with Sophie’s dad, and her mum says, “No music festival, on account of hippies in tents are the most dangerous hooligans in all of Europe!” Sophie pouts and Sian’s all, “Why you gotta be a cackhanded numpty, Soph? I told you we should have done the hoovering!”

Ron Weasley and a Muggle buddy come to Sophie’s shop to buy vodka for Ron’s sixteenth birthday party. Sian, note, is wearing another shirt from the Eternal Gaymo Collection.

Sian mocks Ron Weasley a little when he invites them to his party, but they agree to go anyway, and I think it’s Sophie and Sian’s first proper date! Man, remember your first proper date with another girl? Siiiiigh. The punch at Ron Weasley’s party is spiked and Sian’s all for it, but Sophie – ever the boner killer – says to go easy. “Go outside and you’ll see why it’s called punch,” she says. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Is that a real thing? Measuring your level of tipsiness by walking outside? I usually measure my level of tipsiness by: speed at which the ceiling is spinning. Or speed at which my fingers are sending inappropriate text messages.

The next day, Sian is banging on again about getting Sophie’s parents’ permission to go to the music festival, but this time she uses my favorite trick for getting what I want. Remember when she cried to keep Ryan quiet? Yeah, I don’t do that. But I do do this: “PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!” Seriously, it’s like the best trick in the book. It’s easily the cutest thing Sian’s done so far in an entire storyline full of super cute things.

Sophie agrees to ask her mum one more time, and her mum shoots her down one more time.

Back at the Webster’s, Sophie’s like, “What am I supposed to do? Lie?” And Sian goes, “Only if you want to go to an awesome music festival and sleep in a one-man tent with your super hot girlfriend.” DONE! They decide to tell Sophie’s parents they’re going to spend some days with Sian’s mum in Southpaw – on the exact same days of the music festival. And Sophie’s mum totally believes them. She doesn’t even get suspicious when they stumble all over each other with excuses for why she can’t drive them to Southpaw herself.

And off they go! Off-screen! To snog in a tent!

I’m enamored with the next few scenes with Sian and Sophie when they get back from the festival because you know how when you’ve been away with someone, especially someone you like to be all loved-up with, you have this whole inside joke-y thing happening? And you’re closer than ever and you think everyone around you should be secretly jealous of how awesome you are? That’s what this is like. Sophie’s mum drags her laundry out of her bag and it’s covered in mud. Sian says they got dirty when they went to see these statues of naked blokes on the beach in Crosby. Sophie’s mum calls them “naughty statues” and says she never saw the attraction of giant, naked dudes. Sophie goes, “Me neither.” And both girls giggle and smirk and nod and wink at each other.

Sophie spies a festival t-shirt in with the wash and sneaks it out before her mum can find it. Sian tries to get all tough with her, but softens right up when Sophie says it was meant to be a gift for her. She rolls her eyes and pulls her into a warm embrace.

See? Cuuuute!

It actually gets cuter because Sally chats them up a bit more and when she whizzes out of the room, Sophie crawls across the couch and kisses Sian full on the lips.

Then it gets not so cute because while Sophie is out (with her “Siamese Twin,” says Rosie), she gets a call from a woman at the music festival who tells Sally that Sophie left her purse there. Man. Busted. So worst. The lesson here, I think, is: Don’t carry a purse. I personally have a plastic wallet with swearing dinosaurs on it that fits snugly in my jeans pocket.

When Sophie and Sian arrive back home, Sally baits them with some questions about Southpaw, like, “Did you help cook? What did you cook? What were the exact ingredients including weights and measurements for the things you cooked? How long did it take to cook it? How delicious was it? Guess what? It was not delicious at all BECAUSE YOU WERE AT THAT MUSIC FESTIVAL!”

She grounds Sophie for all eternity and kicks out Sian. Poor, homeless, parentless, apendixless Sian.

This is a British drama staple: Lovers ripped apart, staring at each other from below and above. Seriously: Romeo and Juliet. Helen and Nikki from Bad Girl. Naomi and Emily from Skins. And now Sophie and Sian. Oh, Shakespeare, why did you have to introduce this angst to the storytelling canon?!

Next morning, Spohie mopes around in her pajamas and her mom says she’ll be back later to unchain her from the bed and escort her to work. Her dad agrees. Sophie cleans her room in a boredom induced rage blackout that is only quelled when she hears Sian’s voice on the phone. Unfortunately, Sian’s voice has the exact opposite effect on Sally, who jerks the phone out of Sophie’s hand after hearing herself described as a “fascist cow.” She says: No Sian in person, no Sian on the phone, and no Sian on “Stripe.”

Skype, fascist cow. Skype.

Sian drops by the shop and she and Sophie hug like they’ve been apart for weeks. Sophie is doing inventory: Peas, five. Tomato soup, three. Sian is wearing a super weird shirt that I totally forgot to screencap. But it’s got, like, upside down ice cream cones and cherries as nipples. It’s not the kind of shirt that’s going to make her seem like a Good Influence to ol’ Sally, I’ll tell you that.

Sian hides behind the counter when Sophie’s dad pops in for brown sauce. Sunita covers for them, but tells them not to make a habit of lying. They giggle and hug some more and the inventory rolls on. Lez-beans, two.

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