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Great LezBritain: “Lip Service” Recap – Episode Three

“Great LezBritian” is a fortnightly stroll through the very best of British lesbo-centric entertainment and culture. Plus there will be some jolly good interviews with the top ladies who are waving the flag for gay UK.

The new titles have stuck — making them the actual Lip Service titles. They offer quite an arousing beginning.

Frankie, Jay and Becky are congregated in the kitchen getting ready for the day ahead. Becky asks when Jay got in last night. Frankie corrects Jay’s initial response of 10PM and tells a displeased Becky that Jay’s sorry arse didn’t get in until 3AM. She then continues to read the paper feeling a little smug at her early-bird s–t-stirring.

Episode 3 opens in a similar fashion to Episode 2, by the way of orgasmic moans coming from Tess and Lou. This time, we are in the kitchen with DS Murray and Cat, who are giggling like children at the noises coming from Tess’ bedroom.

Cat tries to block it out by stressing about her meeting that morning with a potential architect client, and like a much needed prop, the DS tells her how wondrous she is.

As Frankie and Jay continue to divvy about the kitchen table, Frankie eye-spies some photographers’ CV’s on the table. When Jay says that his office is looking for a photographer for some brochures, Frankie is annoyed he hadn’t thought of her. Jay has to point out that this would obviously be a bit rubbish for Cat, and then realising he is stupidly late for the architect meeting, scrambles out the door. Frankie is left alone to wonder whether or not this is yet another boundary she will dare to mount.

Jay arrives at the office in a fluster of fingers and thumbs, but Hayley-the-fit-intern is on hand to give him notes and send him into his meeting. A not best pleased Cat, who has been waiting with the client and trying to keep them sweet, begins the meeting. Jay apologises, telling everyone he had a disaster with one of his imaginary children, even though he looks, and must smell, like he just spent the night in a pub toilet.

Tess is telling Frankie and Ed about her phenomenal night of passion with Lou Foster. Ed does not love the re-telling and Frankie asks about Cat’s whereabouts last night.

Tess: We didn’t see her; she was already in bed with Sam.

Frankie looks like someone has just spit in her face and Ed latches on to try and shut Frankie out even further.

Ed: We’ve got high hopes for Sam. [looking at Tess] She’s great, isn’t she?

Tess: [not very convincingly] Yeah, she’s great.

Frankie looks delighted that Tess has clearly not thrown herself full throttle into the DS Murray fan club. Because it’s Frankie and she likes to s–t-stir, she asks Tess why she “hates her.” Tess denies hatred and pleads that “three’s a crowd,” and she is also getting tired of Cat dusting anything that stands still for more than 30 seconds.

Sarah: I don’t know why people don’t like living with tidy people; I’d see it as a bonus.

Lee: I had a flatmate that once wiped her nether regions with a towel when the toilet roll ran out. I’d have traded her in for Cat any day of the week.

Frankie suggests that Tess should move in with her, and on realising that Frankie is planning on hanging her beanie hat up in Glasgow town a little longer, Ed clinks his tea cup down a little louder than considered polite.

Jay and Cat emerge from their meeting and the lady doth protest at Jay’s lateness and alcohol fumes, but both tell their boss that it went just super-duper. Boss man, Alistair, takes Cat to one side and introduces her to the new photographer for the company brochures. Heaven behold: it is Frankie. Cat looks like you could knock her over with a feather.

Tess is temping at Stenbridge Insurance firm and being trained how to answer the telephone by Moira, a jobsworth that has had her soul slowly etched away by the daily grind of working at Stenbridge Insurance for the last 300 years. Moira and Tess role-play “how to answer a telephone” and Tess fails on account of the fact that she still has a soul and can’t give too much of a s–t whether she says, “hello” or “good-morning.” They repeat this exciting role-play.

Lee: I think this job is going to be worse than “An Afternoon With Lou & Tom.”

Sarah: Yes, because she at least got a kiss and a grope on that job. I don’t think Moira is going to be up for that sort of caper.

Jay thanks Hayley-the-fit-intern for helping him that morning and she compliments him on his “debonair ways.” Jay clearly takes this as some sort of come-on. Cat approaches him angrily about Frankie’s recruitment and Jay explains that she just happened to see the CV’s for the position but he told her not to take it on.

Lou Foster has been taken to a lesbi-bar by Tess.

Lou: Gosh, It’s very open isn’t it? Sorry do I sound like an idiot? It’s just I have never been in a gay bar before.

Sarah: Never been in a gay bar? You’re in show business, you’ve been around. Of course you’ve been in a gay bar.

Lou: Well I have been in a gay bar… but not like this not as a…

Tess: Gay woman.

Tess understands that Lou Foster may be overwhelmed and uncomfortable by all the lesbi-action going on around her, but Lou Foster seems determined to stick it out, despite feeling that she’s not at one with her new surroundings. Lou strokes Tess’ hair and then grabs a kiss on the sly because “when in Rome.”

Lee: They are so sweet together in this scene and it looks like Lou has at least poked her head out of the closet door.

Sarah: I know. I wish I didn’t have a sense of impending doom about this relationship.

Alistair asks Cat to take Frankie to the site that she has to snap. Cat tries to keep the whole matter professional by talking of such things as “vernacular windows” and the like.

Frankie is amused and turned on by Cat’s work-like manner. Cat walks across the room, about to leave her to it, but Frankie tries to rein her back in by saying she’s planning to stay in Glasgow.

Frankie: I’ve tried getting in touch with you but you just keep blanking me. Can’t we just be friends?

Cat: We’re not 12, why would I want to be friends with you anyway? My real friends want me to be happy.

Frankie: I want you to be happy.

Cat: No you don’t, you’re all about distractions Frankie – anything that takes you away from your own s–t.

Tess invites Lou round for sexy times but Lou Foster has something else on. She says she’s free later that day and Tess forgoes her night of scrabble with Ed for the chance of a second bout of rimming. Tess, because she is so very empathetic, suspects Lou is feeling a bit over-lesbianed and tells her all will be fine.

Frankie lies on the sofa twiddling the “FG” key ring, her mind in a tangent over the bits and pieces of the “who the eff is Annie Cawthorne?” puzzle. Jay walks in to be told Becky is asleep and not to be disturbed. Frankie opens her dark heart and gives him a bit of best-friend buttering up, and then tells him he’s about to help her out.

Cat is amazed to find Tess hoovering their flat – all in honour of Lou Foster’s second attempt at coming over, but not coming out.

Tess: Today she kissed me in public, this is like definitely happening, she is actually my girlfriend!!

Cat: O.M.G.

Tess: Don’t take this piss, I’m allowed to be all girly. I spent my teens fake screaming for spotty boys and this one is 100% genuine.

Tess then drops in that she’s moving out to live with Frankie.

Cat pretends she’s fine with this news but when Tess asks if she feels weird, she replies very weirdly by saying “no” five times, which tells us she does indeed feel weird about her best friend and the woman that broke her heart moving in together. She heads off, most likely to whip on some marigolds and disinfect the toilet.

Frankie and Jay are back at “Annie Cawthorne’s” rough estate and Jay has never looked quite so uncomfortably middle-class. The Glaswegian Ussain Bolt appears and, once again, is not keen on engaging with her, but before he tries to break his personal best, Frankie spits out some words.

Frankie: Hey, wait. I just want to talk to you for a minute, just a few questions.

Glaswegian Ussain Bolt: Who are you, police or something? What the f–k do you want?

Frankie: Something was sent here — a photo album, pictures of me as a kid — to Annie Cawthorne. Do you know her?

Bolt: No. Never heard of her.

This fella looks decidedly shifty, and though he denies knowing anything that Frankie is rabbiting on about, he invites them into the flat to smoke some weed. Frankie snaps this offering up and Jay follows, not best pleased at the prospect of having to dirty his good Armani trousers on a working class sofa.

Tess is getting ready for Lou Foster’s visit. She is looking very pretty in pink lipstick, fishnets, has a bit of breast on show and can’t help on occasion flashing out an excited half-smile.

Bolt gives Frankie and Jay a beer and tells them he doesn’t live there; he only visits to deal drugs because it’s empty. He says he doesn’t think anyone would be interested in Frankie’s baby photos and asks whether Frankie and Jay are a couple.

Jay: No, no. She’s a lesbo.

Bolt: Straight up? I’m not saying anything. I’m not one of those… what you call them, homo, homapho… hom…

Lee: Is that really an unknown word? Homophobic?

Sarah: Well to be fair, I don’t ever call anyone homophobic, I just call people who are homophobic, “knob-necks” and I’m sure he knows that word.

Jay and Frankie give each other amused looks at the uncool, awkward reaction of a boy who has just discovered he has handed a beer to a real-life dyke.

He begins to skin up and Frankie asks again about the “FG” keys. The boy says he knows nothing of them, so she takes a wander around the abandoned flat. Drawn to an old layer of children’s wallpaper, she rubs it and is drawn into some deep reflection about the flat’s possible connection to her.

DS Murray is kissing Cat’s stomach but Cat is yabba yabba about Frankie, which kills the mood for the hot cop who is trying to get her rocks off. She tries to turn the notch up on the foreplay but Cat can’t keep tight-lipped about how pissed she is at Frankie.

Denying her lack of enthusiasm, Cat tells her DS to continue with the butterfly kisses but she breaks it up again with yet more blethering. The DS dismounts and looks away into yonder and we see the first flickers of concern she may be having over the Frankie-effect.

Frankie and Jay return to Becky who is wearing her nurse uniform, but is in no mood to play doctor and nurses with Jay, on account that he’s clearly stoned out of his nut. Becky asks Frankie again about the whereabouts of her necklace and she gives an entirely false sympathetic remark about her ongoing efforts to track it down. Jay continues to be stoned.

Tess is clutching a pillow to herself to protect her heart from falling out of her chest. Lou Foster’s no show has caused it to break a little bit more. The next day on the bus, she tells Ed that she’s hurt that Lou Foster didn’t even call – even though Tess tried her number constantly. He tries to ease her mind with possibilities of lost phones and the day being filled with sunshine, and not rain.

Sarah: Ed looks like he has been wrapped up by his mum and put on the school bus.

Lee: But with a bunch of old dears. I wonder if they all thought they were going to be extras in River City [Scottish soap opera]. Quite a turn up if they see themselves in this instead.

Frankie wakes up and notices that she is living like a dirty imp, so in time with the rhythm of the uplifting music, she tidies her toast crusts, knickers and Mars Bar wrappers away, only to discover Sadie Anderson’s business card down the back of her bed. A skip and a smile later, she is standing outside a building waiting for her letting agent to arrive.

Sadie: [with a delighted cheeky smile] Mrs Smith, sorry to keep you waiting.

Frankie: [takes Becky’s necklace from Sadie’s neck]

Sadie: Got your attention then?

They go inside and quickly get each other’s kit off on the kitchen floor.

Cat goes into see her boss, Alistair, and explains that she has a history with Frankie and would appreciate not being asked to work with her directly. Alistair is offering a sympathetic ear and tells her he’s worried about her well-being because she has been working so hard lately. He suggests she takes time off and even offers up his little cottage out in the sticks as a means of getting away from it all.

Cat: Thanks, I’ll have a word with my partner, Sam, and we’ll see if we can arrange a weekend.

Alistair: I haven’t heard you mention him before. How long has he been on the scene?

Cat: She and I have been seeing each other for a few weeks now — early days.

Alistair looks awkward, shuffles some papers and Cat leaves knowing that hanging her lesbianism out to dry was a bit too much for that Ally cat.

Sarah: That is forever happening to me, I mention my Lee and people say what’s your fella like and then I have to say, “Whoa back up. Assuming makes an ass of ‘u’ and me.”

Lee: I know, this was a worthy scene because it’s very true that when you’re gay, you have to come out several times a week, which can be most frustrating.

Sarah: That’s why some days I just wear my “I am a lesbian” t-shirt.

Whilst they dress themselves, post-romp Sadie admits that she planted her card and thought the necklace was Frankie’s because she hoped it would lead to this fun and frolics. Frankie smiles, enjoying the madcap fun Sadie has injected into her life.

Tess is back at Stenbridge Insurance looking so bored that she might start poking her own eye with a pencil just for something to do. She phones Lou Foster and begins to leave her an apologetic answer phone message about putting too much pressure on her. Moira Jobsworth coughs to signal she is in ear-shot. She informs Tess of more ridiculous company policy about making personal calls and sends her to make coffee for a meeting that is taking place.

Sarah: Oh my goodness I love Moira. If you are reading this, actress who plays Moira, please come to our Finale Party, I would be so chuffed.

Lee: Me too. I hope Tess has to work here forever just so we can have more Moira.

Tess spots a woman spearheading the meeting that she recognises and rushes to find Ed who is acting as a letter-sorter-outer in the basement. The woman Tess saw is Janet Cook, the girl at school who was known as “Crusty Cook” on the account of her extreme unpopularity. Tess can’t bear the thought of bumping into the school loser who is now a high-flyer, because quite frankly, who is going to have the last laugh?

She begs Ed to swap roles with her so she can try to avoid her. Frankie returns Becky’s necklace to Jay. He is delighted for about a second but then Hayley-the-fit-intern walks by and he pushes Frankie away in case Hayley thinks they’re together and that he isn’t a cool as a cucumber free agent (which, of course, he actually isn’t.)

Frankie laughs at the idea that Jay could get with Hayley and tells him that she only flirts with him because she’s trying to climb the company ladder, and not climb onto his limb.

Frankie: She’s young; it’s like flirting with a teacher.

Jay: All I am saying is, if I wanted it, I could get it.

Hayley-the-fit-intern approaches Jay, who is spooning enough coffee into his mug to give him the shakes for a week. They discuss how often they get drunk after work and Hayley says that Jay will have to stop, as he is looking 30 in the eye. Because he is feeling old and insecure and wants to prove that he is the Jaymeister, he naturally suggests that they go to the toilets to take some drugs.

Ed manages to butter up Moira, and Tess is now free to head to the basement to avoid the now-successful Crusty Cook.

Ed: So if anyone asks, you’ve got severe agoraphobia brought on by a breakdown since your last partner left you.

Tess: Brilliant!

In a toilet cubicle with Hayley-the-fit-intern, Jay starts to chalk up lines. They’re both experiencing teenage-like thrills due to their rebellious activities and this excitement trickles over into thrill-seeking of another kind and they begin to kiss. Hayley takes a very dramatic snort of the drugs and they continue to kiss, but before it goes any further, she starts having a weird reaction and passes out. Jay is perturbed to say the least and calls on Frankie, who at that moment is with Alistair in the office.

Frankie tries to phone an ambulance but Jay freaks out because this will surely lead to him losing his job. Like an absolute pro, she then tastes a bit of the powder and knows that it isn’t cocaine.

Jay then realises he has taken the wrong drugs out of the wrong pocket and has actually given Hayley some Ketamine.

Sarah: Idiot Jay, everyone knows that cocaine is kept in the left pocket and Ketamine in the right.

Lee: I bloody hate it when you give the fit intern horse tranquiliser by mistake.

Frankie: She may be chewing the carpets for a few hours, but at least we know that she’s not going to die.

Jay: What are we going to do?

Frankie: She’s got to go home, back to her flat and someone has got to look after her for a while.

Jay gives Frankie a pleading look to do the deed and she is resistant. However, like a good Samaritan, she takes dribbling Hayley-the-now-not-so fit-intern, whose eyes are rolling into the back of her head, under her wing and goes off in a taxi. Jay has the look of a man who has just f–ked up the fit intern with Ketamine at work.

Tess is sorting out letters in the basement and watching Lou Foster on the television, now realising that Lou is fine and she is just being sidestepped. Ed pops in to tell her that he and Moira are getting on like a house on fire. As if this wasn’t annoying enough, the s–t really gets piled on when Crusty Cook walks in. After the obligatory exchanges of pleasantries, Crusty asks about her life and Tess makes an attempt to suggest all is going great guns with her acting career.

Tess: I did an episode of the Bill.

Crusty: No, really? Who did you play?

Tess: I was a corpse they pulled out of the river at the beginning, but there was a whole story around me, so that was fantastic.

Crusty: Argh, I knew you’d make it!

Crusty has all the trappings of a stereotypical success: children, marriage, mortgage, high-flying career. And although she has obviously been moulded by the corporate world of bulls–t and smiles, with a bit of crazy in her eye, she at least keeps her “victory” over Tess to a small-scale request that she posts a letter for her — special delivery.

Propped up in bed listening to Ibiza Chill Classics, Frankie tells Jay on the phone that he is a prick but Hayley-the-now-not-so fit-intern is fine. :Later, she goes into the Registry Office to speak to a man called Ralph, to talk about matching up all the pieces of the ‘Who the F–k is Annie Cawthorne?’ puzzle.

Lee: This is my best episode with Frankie yet. I kind of like that she just gets stuff done.

Sarah: Ruta plays her with such a cold exterior but there are definitely some little chinks of warmth coming through now.

Lee: And although Jay remains a d–khead, I still quite like him. and especially like him and Frankie when they are just hanging out.

Like the diligent worker she is, Cat is working late. Alistair comes over to inform her that they won the contract from yesterday’s meeting. She’s eager-beaver to get started but her glee is rebuked when Alistair tells her that Jay will be heading the campaign. That sly Ally cat tells her this is purely because Cat is such a busy bee.

Later, Cat is venting her exasperation at this situation over a beer in the boozer with her special friend, DS Murray. The DS tries to get Cat to shake her troubles away, but Cat continues to rant over Alistair’s sexist ways, Frankie’s twattish behaviour, and the general crapness of her day.

DS Murray is understandably starting to get narked with Cat’s inability to shut off and just enjoy their time together.

DS Murray: This week alone I’ve seen two dead bodies, I’ve dealt with three grieving families, I’ve been involved in a drugs trade, and I have had more sexist comments chucked at me in a week than you have had in your entire career. Don’t f–king talk to me about stress.

Sarah: One point to the copper.

DS Murray gets her coat, tells Cat to get over herself and walks out leaving her dumbfounded by the unexpected barrage.

Tess is drinking wine in her pyjama trousers, telling Ed about all the wondrous things that Crusty has, and lamenting that she would just like one thing to be positive in her life. Ed, like an absolute diamond, reminds Tess that she has a Vivienne Westwood dress, which draws a smile onto her pretty little Tess face. Just then, she receives a text on her phone.

Tess: It’s her. [reading] “So sorry about last night sweetheart, I’m having a nightmare. Will explain. Miss you. X.” That’s good, isn’t it?

Ed: [lacklustre] Yeah.

Tess: Why are you saying it like that? It’s good.

Tess clings to this as a positive sign from Princess Lou and tells Ed to start up his car engine because they’re off out.

Cat goes to see DS Murray at work and reels off incoherencies that simulate an apology for her selfish, lack of perspective. DS Murray stands up to face Cat and tells her, “Come here,” in a commanding police-officery voice.

Cat admits to liking her police-officery domineering ways and the DS responds well by hoisting her up onto her desk and hauling off her knickers.

Lee: Laura’s face was brilliant in this scene, a look of genuine “arrest me officer for I have sinned”

Sarah: I’m turned on.

Ed has driven Tess to Lou Foster’s house with her face made up pretty as a picture, suspenders and fancy French knickers donned. Ed looks down to see her straightening out her suspenders and there is a good chance his eyeballs could fall out — but not in a creepy way.

Tess justifies her impromptu arrival at Lou Foster’s home, as she will provide calm to her girlfriend’s stress — which is what a good secret girlfriend should do. She knocks on Lou’s door but nobody is home. Just then, Lou turns onto the street with Tom-the-prick, cackling and inviting him upstairs. Of course, if you didn’t realise it by now — Tom is not just a prick he is also Lou’s secret ex-married-boyfriend.

Lou Foster: [shaken but not stirred] Tess, what are you doing here?

Tess: [tears in her eyes] I came to see if you were okay.

Tom-the-prick: [in a really prickish tone] I didn’t think we’d be seeing you again in a hurry.

Tess: Why? Because I’m just one big f–king joke to you? [looks at Lou] Is that it?

Ed gets out of his Beetle and begins to take Tess away. She asks Lou Foster why she couldn’t have just told her. Tom-the-prick looks like his tiny little peanut brain is beginning to slot pieces together and questions whether Lou is getting her leg-over with Ed.

Tess: Try again.

Tom-the-prick: [realising] Oh Jesus Christ, Lou.

Lou Foster: [crying] Please just give us a minute, please.

Tom-the-prick looks like his head has just been filled with outlandish modern day madness. Two girls. Having sex. Now there’s an idea.

Lou Foster: I don’t know what to say.

Tess: Oh, I’m really sorry. This must be really difficult for you.

Lou Foster: [all snottery and teary] It is!

Tess asks her to unravel herself and be honest about what she’s feeling. Lou Foster chooses to take the safer, straighter route by pretending her relationship with Tom is going to lead to different happy times. Tess tells a sobbing Lou Foster that it’s not too late for their relationship, but Lou Foster apologises because she doesn’t have the strength to have a relationship with a woman, however much her heart may be telling her otherwise.

Lou has slipped through Tess’ fingers and Prince-Edward comes to take her away before Tess loses all dignity and starts pleading with Lou Foster not to go away. Tom-the-Prick calls Lou Foster like a spaniel back into the house.

Tess: Yes, because we don’t want to cause a scene do we?

Tom-the-Prick: I think you managed that one already sweetheart. Run along, yeah?

Ed: Excuse me ,who do you think you are talking to? I don’t want you talking to my friend like she is an inconsequential piece of crap.

Tom the Prick: You said it.

Then quite unexpectedly — for everyone, including Ed — little Ed punches Tom-the-prick right on the hooter.

Sarah: That was brilliant. That flooring was from us all.

Lee: I’m just sad about Lou and Tess. It’s an inevitable sadness, but sadness nonetheless.

Ed and Tess get in the car. Tess is in floods of tears and Ed is looking at his fist like he’s never seen it before.

Frankie has called Sadie to go for some alcoholic beverages. Whilst they walk to the pub, she spots Cat and DS Murray on the other side of the street, holding each other as they walk joyfully like a perfect couple in love. Everything drowns out for Frankie, apart from the pain that this sight inflicts upon her.

At the pub, Frankie and Sadie have been joined by Ed and Tess. Ed comforts Tess over her heart-break, telling her she is far better than Tom-the-Prick. Frankie suggests she could make a packet if she went to the press and told them about her and Lou Foster’s relationship. Sadie’s ears prick up and the artful dodgeress may be hatching a plan.

Becky and Jay arrive, quite the happy couple and Frankie looks at them questionably, not convinced her mate is anything close to the monogamous, mortgage-seeker he pretends to be. Sadie comments on Becky’s necklace with an East End London twinkle in her eye, and then offers to find Frankie and Tess a flat.

Tess wakes up on top of her bed, still fully-clothed, which suggests she got absolutely rat arsed last night while trying to forget about Lou Foster. She is awoken by a text from Ed, telling her to check the news.

She discovers that the dodgeress has told the press about Tom and Lou’s affair.

Sarah: It is so ridiculous that someone would rather be a marriage wrecker than a lesbian.

Lee: It is so ridiculous that someone would rather be seen out with Tom-the-prick than Tess.

Back at the Registry, Ralph tells Frankie that he can find nothing to link her parents to the address she gave him. But, he adds another twist to her Annie Cawthorne puzzle.

Along with her parents’ death certificates, he found another death certificate for Francesca Alan, whom he presumes to be her sister. But Frankie is, of course, Francesca, and she is very much alive and f–king, this makes no immediate sense.

Understandably freaked out that she is seemingly a dead-girl-walking, she goes outside for some air, only to spot Bolt across the street, eye-balling her. He completely disappears when a bus passes between them, leaving Frankie panting and confused in the street. Now you see him, now you don’t. Seems that Bolt is not only in training for the Commonwealth Games but also appears to be Harry Potter.

Episode 3. Done. What did you think, lesbians?

Registration for the Lip Service Finale Party in Glasgow on 16th November is NOW OPEN at www.greatlezbritain.co.uk. Places are very limited so don’t dilly-dally.

And remember you can also buy tickets for “An Evening With Heather Peace” here: www.wegottickets.com/event/97246.

“Great LezBritain” authors Sarah, a Londoner, and Lee, a Glaswegian, met in a gay discotheque one bleak mid winter, eight years ago and have been shacked up together ever since. When not watching Tipping The Velvet, they find time to write, run a PR company, DJ at their own club nights and love a bit of jam on toast. Follow them on Twitter at greatlezbritain.

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