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AfterEllen.com Huddle: Don’t leave me this way

We just lost another lesbian on TV, as agent June Stahl was killed on Sons of Anarchy. At this point, we should be used to these terrible losses, and the weird ways TV writers choose to rid of them. Trips or moves to Paris seem to be a popular option, and a little less offensive than other choices. So what are some of the worst lesbian character exits? We’ve got strong opinions.

Heather Hogan: Even though Josh Schwartz makes some of my very favorite, never-miss TV, I have to rest the blame for a Very Bad Thing squarely on his shoulders. And that thing is the modern Sweeps Lesbian/Bisexual.

Back in ’04, Schwartz had the grand idea to let The O.C.‘s Marissa Cooper dabble in lesbianery during Sweeps week, and holy Phantom Planet, did the Parents Television Council ever lose their minds. (And holy Brody did that ever result in ratings.)

Marissa (Mischa Barton) was one side of the equation, and Alex (Olivia Wilde) was the the other. Alex was aloof and cool and charming when she first entered the Seth Cohen sphere of indie rock. Then she started messing around with Marissa – something that was never going to last because duh: Marissa + Ryan 4EVA – and as soon as Schwartz had his Nielsen scores, he strangled her with the Psycho Bisexual Trope. You know the one: Bisexuals will do anything, so they’ll do anything.

And now we can’t make it through a Sweeps week without some bogus girl-on-girl titillation. I just really wish Olivia Wilde had been able to recover from that role. It’s like Olivia who, you know? She could have had a real career in movies and on TV, maybe even landed at the top of some straight dudes and lesbian women’s hot lists. Alas.

Alley Hector: While House MD Doctor Remy Hadley, aka Number 13, was not a flash in the pan character her bisexuality was. Open and honest about her orientation the show nevertheless portrayed her relationship with male doctor and colleague Dr. Eric Foreman as nuanced and real, while her only scenes with women were fleeting and vapid.

The subject was often discussed with thought and candor, however, so her recent leave of absence from the show took away an important perspective not only on sexuality but also gender. She was the only woman on the team so head of the hospital Dr. Lisa Cuddy insists that House hire another woman as soon as possible. Not only does he take forever to do so but when Cuddy finally steps in and makes a decision the replacement shows not a hint of alternative sexuality.

When she left she did so under the pretenses that she was undergoing a clinical trial in order to treat her impending onset of Huntington’s disease, but we quickly discover that is not the case. We haven’t yet figured out where she is going but if you look at her former reckless behavior it stands to reason she will be enjoying earthly pleasures and taking big risks wherever she is. This could mean anything from brothels to skydiving, but it is bound to be something interesting, as Thirteen has never been a delicate flower, despite the fact that her fine motor skills may already be deteriorating.

My best guess, however, is that she’s been recruited by the CIA to go undercover as a Victoria’s Secret underwear model to uncover an underground uranium smuggling trade hidden in padded bras.

Grace Chu: It’s been almost five years, and the wound still hasn’t healed. The sore caused by Dana Fairbanks’ perplexing death on The L Word continues to fester. Would it make sense to kill Jan Brady? Would it make sense to kill Vanessa Huxtable? Would you organize a Wu-Tang Clan reunion tour and then gun down Method Man right before a show at Madison Square Garden?

Hell no.

Then why would you kill off the character that viewers arguably related to the most on the only television show for lesbians in existence?

All right, all right. People die. Even lovable fictional characters on premium cable. We get it. But here’s another thing that sticks in my craw: If you’re going to kill someone off, at least make it believable. We have a young athlete in her prime. Breast cancer? Really? A brain aneurysm is more believable than breast cancer. Getting run over by crazy Jenny on North Robertson Boulevard is more believable than breast cancer. Mysteriously falling into a pool and drowning is more believable than breast cancer. Oh wait.

But the creators of The L Word got to make a public service announcement about breast cancer after the show to educate people and to pat themselves on the back for educating people. They just had to sacrifice Dana to do it. No biggie.

Perhaps I would be less harsh if the episode didn’t treat Dana’s death with a twisted and almost macabre fascination. See, for example, the timer counting up to Dana’s death. If you don’t remember, as the episode creaked forward, a little countdown timer perched merrily on the screen reminding everyone that, “Yep, it’s true! She’s really gonna die, bitches! La di da! Tickety tick tick! Just a few moments away!” Was that really necessary? Then when Alice showed up at Dana’s deathbed a few seconds too late, she crumpled to the floor, sobbing. The episode should have ended there. The moment was gripping, touching and sad. But then the air was pierced with the shrill “You Are My Sunshine” bullcrap. Taken together, there is no doubt in my mind that the writers felt a dark sense of glee when they killed Dana.

And so I say, screw you. And R.I.P. Dana Fairbanks.

The Linster: All My Children‘s Bianca Montgomery can’t catch a break. Her girlfriend Sarah goes insane and ends up in a mental institution. Girlfriend Frankie gets murdered. Girlfriend Lena moves back to her native country, Poland. BFF-then-Girlfriend Maggie (Frankie’s twin) and Bianca move to Paris together, where Maggie cheats on her. (Leaving out Zoe is intentional. Very, very intentional.)

And then! Bianca meets the love of her life, Reese. The couple borrows sperm from Bianca’s brother in law Zach and has a baby. Reese proposes and Bianca accepts and the First! Lesbian! Wedding! on daytime TV happens.

Except Reese passionately kisses baby daddy Zach the day before the wedding. Bianca finds out and wants to have the marriage annulled, then decides to forgive Reese and they return to Paris to work things out. Except Bianca comes back to the U.S. this summer without Reese because they are “having trouble.” Binks tells her sister that Reese still is the love of her life and she hopes they can work things out. But six months later, Bianca is still in Pine Valley and Reese is still in Paris. And since Reese hasn’t shown up to pay respects to dearly departed daddy Zach, my guess is that Bianca is single again.

I can’t possibly choose which of those departures is the worst. In most of these cases, the exit wasn’t even part of the storyline. Yet, All My Children keeps winning GLAAD awards. I guess the Ls in GLAAD simply disappear before the voting.

Trish Bendix: Beverly Hills, 90210 introduced one of TV’s first lesbian characters in Alison (Sara Melson). She even had a girlfriend named Dana. But once she befriended Kelly (Jennie Garth), her life went to s–t. She dumped her girlfriend for Kelly, who didn’t return her feelings and had to defend her straightdom to her boyfriend, Brandon.

Then, Allison and Kelly got caught in a burning building. In an effort to save the straight girl she’s in love with, Allison ended up getting badly burnt and ends up in a full bodycast in the hospital. Kelly, who only has a slight second-degree burn on her back pays her a visit, and it’s the last time she’s ever seen. Way to kick her while she’s down, Kelly. (It’s also worth noting that Allison’s only other visitor is her then-ex Dana, who announces Kelly is her “first visitor” quickly adding “besides me, of course!”)

The new 90210 is no better. Lesbian character Gia is no longer attending the school, apparently, after she cheated on Adrianna. Bisexual cheerleader Christina must have transferred as well.

Dorothy Snarker: Gay characters often disappear on television. But it takes an exceptional leap for them to disappear into The Parking Lot of No Return. The shocking firing of Brooke Smith and abrupt dispatch of her character Erica Hahn on Grey’s Anatomy is a shameful chapter in a show that has had its ups and downs with the gay community.

The disappearance came just when many thought her relationship with Callie had reached a breakthrough. After the “you are glasses” scene and Erica’s revelation that she was so gay, after her late-in-life coming out touched so many. At the time, two years ago, Erica’s walking away from Callie into that damn parking lot meant there were no other lesbian/bisexual couples on broadcast television. News reports also hinted at homophobic reasons for the firing, from ABC wanting to play down gay-themed storylines and executives having issues with the “explicit direction” of their relationship.

It was a serious an insulting blow to queer women’s visibility on the small screen, and signaled a significant setback in the industry’s acceptance of mainstream gay and lesbian storylines.

Of course, since then Grey’s has made nice with its lesbian and bisexual fans. Certainly, much of the painful bleeding caused by Brooke’s unceremonious firing was staunched when Jessica Capshaw came on the scene and stole our hearts (broke them a little, too) as Dr. Arizona Robbins. But there will always be that sting, lingering in the back of our minds, and an incurable fear of parking lots. Forgive, but don’t forget.

What lesbian character do you think got the shaft on TV?

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