“Glee” Episode 214 recap: Bye, Bi Blaine

Finn gives Rachel a very funny, very accurate run-down on the different archetypes of “drunk guys and girls” – although all his examples are girls.

First is Santana, the “weepy, hysterical drunk.” She’s in a corner sobbing and yelling at Sam that he likes Quinn more than her because “she’s blond and so smart… admit it!”

Then there’s Lauren and Quinn, who are “angry girl drunks.” Quinn’s yelling at Puck, “I can’t believe what you did to my body! I used to have abs!”

“Who told you that hairstyle’s cool?” demands Lauren. “Geronimo?”

Next is “the ‘girl who turns into a stripper’ drunk,” our own Brittany. Who is dancing on the washing machine in her hot pink bra and short shorts while Artie throws money at her and says, “My girlfriend! I love ya, baby!” and makes me want to kill him.

Finn designates Mercedes and Tina as “happy girl drunks,” because they’re sitting on the sofa laughing together. And finally, there’s Rachel: “needy girl drunk,” clinging to Finn and being all “lovey.” “It’s not cool,” he tells her.

Rachel says, “Well, what kind of girl is this?” and stands up and yells, “Let’s play spin the bottle!” (Answer: nerd.)

First “team” is Brittany and Sam, a development Santana’s not thrilled about. I rewound this six times and couldn’t quite catch all her dialogue, but this made me squee regardless: When the kiss goes on for a long time, she bends down and says, “Honeys? It’s not a (something I couldn’t catch) commercial. No me gusta.”

“Honeys.” I loved it. And “No me gusta.” Oh, Santana. You veer back and forth from self-confident uber-bitch to insecure lonely girl, and only make me love you more every time.

Then it was Rachel’s and Blaine’s turn. Kurt thinks it’s going to be “outstanding,” Rachel says she’s going to rock Blaine’s world – actually, I think she calls him “Mr. Warbler” – and then they kiss while “Johnny Are You Queer?” plays in the background, until Kurt claps and says, “Okay, I think we’ve had enough of that.”

Kurt, you and Santana need to team up.

“Your face tastes awesome,” Rachel says, and then she and Blaine sing the 80s Human League classic, “Don’t You Want Me Baby?”

While they sing, all the various couples are making out, and Blaine and Rachel are having just way too much fun!