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“Glee” Episode 214 recap: Bye, Bi Blaine

It’s not that I didn’t enjoy anything about “Blame it on the Alcohol” – I actually did. Coach Beiste alone could have sold me on this show, and she wasn’t alone; there was also Brittany dancing her extremely fine behind off — and doing the splits! — as well as Santana doing body shots off her also-very-fine abs.

And it’s not even that the bi-curious Blaine storyline was the most horrible thing in the episode — no, that honor goes to Rachel’s truly terrible, nightmarish, ghastly, frighteningly ugly green party dress.

But you’ve gotta admit, Rachel’s dress set the bar very, very low. And the Blaine and Rachel kiss thing still just barely crawled over it.

“Blame it on the Alcohol” is based on the extremely radical concept that some teens drink alcoholic beverages to excess. I went to an all-girls Catholic school, and we had more students show up under the influence on a daily basis than McKinley High, so I’m not sure what’s got Mr. Figgins’ boxers in a bunch about it, but bunched they were. He called Will into his office to ask him to have the Glee Club come up with a song for “Alcohol Awareness Week,” to help educate teens about the dangers of “giggle juice,” AKA “the wet devil.”

He blames this trend on new alcoholic beverages marketed at children, and also songs glorifying binge drinking such as those performed by “Ke, dollar sign, ha,” probably the most awesome thing Figgins has ever said.

Will agrees to get the New Directions kids behind the event. Then he tries to set things right between him and Emma, by giving her a housewarming gift for her and Carl. They catch up a little bit, and Will says he’s not dating anyone. Emma says he should be, and Sue breaks in, suggesting Will needs to join Alcoholics Anonymous because he’s clearly a “future alcoholic,” a continuing theme of the whole episode that never quite gels.

Emma grills Sue on how she came to be coaching New Directions’ competition, Aural Intensity, and she said that “the chipper homosexual” who used to coach them had a terrible fall down the stairs — which we see in flashback was caused by Sue herself giving him not one, but two, mighty shoves, resulting in a brain-swell injury from which he may, or may not, recover..

I’m assuming for the sake of not throwing something at the TV that she’s lying to them. My “cartoon violence” vs. “real violence” analysis can only go so far.

Rachel is sitting in the choir room despondently plunking piano keys, when Puck strolls in. “Sup, my hot little Jewish American princess?”

“What do you want, Puckerman?” she snaps.

Turns out he wants to use her house for a Glee Club party, because her dads are out of town — on the Rosie O’Donnell cruise, which does beg the question: Why would they go on that without Rachel? Anyway, she shoots him down, saying that her dads trust her.

Now look, I’ve recapped for you through thick and thin, but I cannot recap the song about her headband Rachel sings to Finn. I just can’t.

When it’s over, she realizes she can’t write a song because she hasn’t lived, and flounces off to tell Puck she’s changed her mind about the party.

Then we get one of those awesome split-screen phone calls, where everyone decides whether or not they’re going to the party. Brittany and Santana are together (yay!) and Mercedes is pushing Artie. Santana says she’ll only go if there’s alcohol, because she couldn’t stand a Rachel Berry party sober.

“But it’s Alcohol Awareness Week,” says Brittany.

“Precisely,” Santana replies. “And I’m aware of how much fun alcohol is.”

Puck agrees to score the booze, and the party is on.

Kurt and Blaine show up at the party, to Rachel’s surprise. Finn tells her that Kurt’s been blackmailing him ever since he discovered Finn’s browser history, and made him bring them along. Between this and last week’s revelations about warm milk and lady talks, I’m really longing for some quality time at Chez Hummel to see how this blended family thing is working out.

Blaine laughs about being “off the clock” and “not even wearing my uniform.” Kurt is, I believe, dressed like an Austrian Hitler’s Youth from The Sound of Music. I’m not entirely sure, and would welcome any kind of alternative explanation for his outfit other than that he’s dressed like a fascist.

The party’s being held in Rachel’s dads’ Oscar party room, which has a convenient stage for impromptu performances. But it’s going to end before it’s even gotten started, because Rachel’s doling out the wine coolers, two per customer. To forestall a mass exodus, she lets Puck break into her fathers’ liquor cabinet – and of course, that’s just the social lubricant needed to turn the party from lame to still-lame, but you don’t care because you’re wasted.

Santana’s doing body shots off Brittany’s abs, as I may possibly have mentioned earlier — and as I may, when things get otherwise bleak, mention again. Rachel’s guzzling wine coolers, and screams into the microphone (did you not expect there’d be a microphone?), “It tastes like pink! It tastes like pink!”

Kurt dances over to Finn. “Are you drinking?”

“No,” Finn says, “Designated driver. What about you?”

“No,” Kurt says, still dancing. “I’m still trying to impress Blaine. Can’t get too sloppy.” Then he glances over his shoulder, where Blaine is dancing and stumbling and bumbling, bombed out of his mind. “Clearly, he doesn’t have the same concern,” Kurt says, dryly.

Blaine sloshes over and drapes himself on Finn. “Hey, it’s so cool that you and Kurt are brothers. Brothers! Wow. So… tall.”

“Are you having fun, Blaine?” Kurt asks.

“Yeah,” he says, then yells drunkenly, “Best party ever!” Then he staggers off and almost falls, only to be caught by Kurt.

Finn gives Rachel a very funny, very accurate run-down on the different archetypes of “drunk guys and girls” — although all his examples are girls.

First is Santana, the “weepy, hysterical drunk.” She’s in a corner sobbing and yelling at Sam that he likes Quinn more than her because “she’s blond and so smart… admit it!”

Then there’s Lauren and Quinn, who are “angry girl drunks.” Quinn’s yelling at Puck, “I can’t believe what you did to my body! I used to have abs!”

“Who told you that hairstyle’s cool?” demands Lauren. “Geronimo?”

Next is “the ‘girl who turns into a stripper’ drunk,” our own Brittany. Who is dancing on the washing machine in her hot pink bra and short shorts while Artie throws money at her and says, “My girlfriend! I love ya, baby!” and makes me want to kill him.

Finn designates Mercedes and Tina as “happy girl drunks,” because they’re sitting on the sofa laughing together. And finally, there’s Rachel: “needy girl drunk,” clinging to Finn and being all “lovey.” “It’s not cool,” he tells her.

Rachel says, “Well, what kind of girl is this?” and stands up and yells, “Let’s play spin the bottle!” (Answer: nerd.)

First “team” is Brittany and Sam, a development Santana’s not thrilled about. I rewound this six times and couldn’t quite catch all her dialogue, but this made me squee regardless: When the kiss goes on for a long time, she bends down and says, “Honeys? It’s not a (something I couldn’t catch) commercial. No me gusta.”

“Honeys.” I loved it. And “No me gusta.” Oh, Santana. You veer back and forth from self-confident uber-bitch to insecure lonely girl, and only make me love you more every time.

Then it was Rachel’s and Blaine’s turn. Kurt thinks it’s going to be “outstanding,” Rachel says she’s going to rock Blaine’s world — actually, I think she calls him “Mr. Warbler” — and then they kiss while “Johnny Are You Queer?” plays in the background, until Kurt claps and says, “Okay, I think we’ve had enough of that.”

Kurt, you and Santana need to team up.

“Your face tastes awesome,” Rachel says, and then she and Blaine sing the 80s Human League classic, “Don’t You Want Me Baby?”

While they sing, all the various couples are making out, and Blaine and Rachel are having just way too much fun!

Next morning, Burt walks into Kurt’s room and discovers Blaine asleep in Kurt’s bed.

“Where am I?” Blaine says, blearily.

“I’m sorry, my bad,” says Burt, clearly dazed.

Back at school on Monday, the whole gang is in dark glasses, nursing major hangovers. “I caught a whiff of hairspray and did a full Linda Blair in the bathroom,” Santana says.

Artie comes to the rescue with a thermos full of bloody Mary, the “hair of the dog.”  Then they break into Jamie Foxx/T-Pain’s “Blame It (On the Alcohol),”  which they auto-tune even more than the original artists did.

The song starts in the hallways and morphs into the auditorium, where the set is dark and with a nightclub feel — Sam sitting in the revolving red booth is awesome, and I did a really good job of suppressing the nagging question my mind kept trying to ask me, “Where on earth did these kids get the budget for this performance, and when did they make these sets and those costumes?” It’s Glee. That’s all you need to know.

Will applauds the number, and their great “acting” — oh, Will. Do you lack a sense of smell? But he says it’s not really right for the assembly, because it glorifies drinking, and the assembly’s supposed to be about how bad teen drinking is.

“Good luck finding a song about that,” Mercedes says. (Since we’ve already re-visited the 80s once, may I suggest “Alcohol” by The Special AKA?)

Rachel agrees, and — draping herself over Mike Chang — says that maybe the reason there aren’t any songs about the dangers of drinking is because there aren’t any, as long as you have a “proper designated driver.”

Will tries to scare them with alcohol poisoning, Santana starts sobbing while Brittany hugs and consoles her, and Quinn tells Will he’s a hypocrite, because he, like most adults, drinks.

“I may have a beer every now and then, but I don’t get drunk.”

Puck objects that they’re very aware of alcohol. After all, every commercial during NASCAR is for beer.

Will asks them to come the next day ready to brainstorm songs for the assembly. Will confides in Coach Beiste, who now that I’ve fallen in love with, I’m going start calling “Shannon,” that when he was a teenager he used to get so drunk he’d black out, “mostly to cope with Terri.”

She essentially tells him he has no life, and invites him to come with her to her form of stress relief, “Rosalita’s Roadhhouse. “You ain’t lived ’til you’ve seen me in a cowboy hat,” she says.

Meanwhile, Rachel’s listening to Carole King, drinking alone, and drunk-dialing Blaine.

She catches him while he’s at the coffeehouse with Kurt, where they were just talking about her — Kurt had just said that Blaine drunkenly making out with her “is what we call rock bottom.”

Drunk!Rachel asks Blaine on a date, and he agrees to go. Kurt says it’s not fair to lead her on, and he says, “This isn’t leading her on. When we kissed, it felt good.”

“It felt good because you were drunk.”

“What’s the harm in going out on one crummy little date?

“You’re gay, Blaine.”

“I thought I was, but I’ve never even had a boyfriend before. Isn’t this the time you’re supposed to figure stuff out?”

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this right now.”

“Maybe I’m bi, I don’t know…”

“‘Bisexual’ is a term that gay guys in high school use when they want to hold hands with a girl and feel like a normal person for a change.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Blaine says to that. “Why are you so angry?”

I swear, Blaine Warbler, you are too stupid to live sometimes.

“Because I look up to you. I admire how proud you are of who you are. I know what it’s like to be in the closet, and here you are about to tiptoe back in.”

“I’m really sorry if this hurts your feelings, or your pride, or whatever, but however confusing this might be for you, it’s actually a lot more confusing for me,” Blaine says. “You’re 100 percent sure who you are; fantastic. Well, maybe we all can’t be so lucky.”

“Yeah,” Kurt says. “I’ve had a lot of luck, Blaine. I was really lucky to be chased out of high school by a bully who threatened to kill me.”

“And why did he do that?”

“Because he didn’t like who I was.”

“Sort of exactly what you’re saying to me right now, isn’t it? I am searching, okay? I’m honestly just trying to figure out who I am. And for you, of all people, to get down on me for that? I didn’t think that’s who you were.” He stands up. “I’ll see ya. I’d say ‘bye,’ but I wouldn’t want to make you angry.”

Kurt gazes after him, looking frustrated and upset, but not half so frustrated and upset as I feel.

This scene is just such a messed-up hash of mixed messages and inconsistent characterization it makes me want to scream.

First there’s the problem of having one of the few out gay teens on television question his sexuality. As 45,784,876 other people have said before, couldn’t Glee‘s writers and producers have made this point a lot better by having one of the straight guys have this crisis of identity, not Blaine?

And it’s not just Blaine’s own identity that’s at stake, it’s what it does to Kurt, who’s already “lost” Finn to Quinn and then Rachel, and is now looking at losing Blaine, or the possibility of Blaine, to Rachel, his friend. Because yes, Kurt’s crush on Finn was stupid and doomed, but that’s not the entire story.

As Kurt says later to his father, he just wants to feel like the other kids, to hold hands with someone he cares about while walking down the halls. To lose Finn — who he never had — to a girl is not the same as Rachel losing Finn to Quinn. A boy losing a boy to a girl is not just about those two people and their relationship, but the entire idea that what an opposite-sex couple has is normal and pre-destined and approved of by everyone and supported by a thousand social institutions from holding hands to the prom to weddings, and what you feel is a dirty little secret and can never lead to happiness.

That’s why there’s no point in pretending that losing a partner to someone of the opposite sex isn’t a particularly painful experience for the same-sex partner. We all grew up in a heteronormative world. We all feel like the “other.” We all have that terrible twinge inside that we can’t compete with feeling “like a normal person for a change.”

As to there being some noble purpose here in looking at prejudice against bisexuality, I’d welcome that if that’s what they were really doing. But this single-episode “questioning,” which we’ll see later is resolved in a stupid, simplistic way, really makes it seem like what Kurt says here, about “bisexuality” being something gay boys lie about when they’re in high school, is what bisexuality really is.

I’m not bisexual, but I’ve been in two relationships with bisexual women, and the coming out process for a bisexual person is just like it is for a lesbian or gay person; it’s not a “waystation” or a lie, and it’s also not something you bring up and wrap up in a half an hour.

Making it worse, it’s not like there aren’t already two apparently bisexual characters on this show; this crisis of identity was custom-made for Santana Lopez — and I can show you a mountain of Brittana fan-fic to prove it. This is exactly the kind of conflict she demonstrated in “Duets” when she told Brittany she wasn’t having sex with her because she was in love with her and wanted to have lady babies with her, but because she was horny because Puck was in juvie.

What possible purpose of social commentary or character development did this give us about Blaine or Kurt or Rachel, to make doing this to Kurt worthwhile? And how stupid to have the character, gay or straight, male or female, conclude after very little reflection or experience that they weren’t bi after all? Wouldn’t this be ten thousand times more powerful if the person struggling with a bi identity turned out to be, you know, bisexual?

Then there’s Blaine comparing Kurt being upset with this development to what Karofsky did to Kurt? And after Kurt telling Blaine he wanted to date him,  to have Blaine act as if this shouldn’t have upset Kurt? If they wanted to show us Blaine isn’t as together as we thought, if they wanted to move him off the pedestal Kurt has him on, didn’t that already happen in the episode where Blaine sings at the Gap? I sure thought it did.

The whole thing was just a colossal waste. It didn’t advance Blaine’s character, or Kurt’s, and it didn’t tell us anything about bisexuality except… well, I’m getting ahead of the narrative.

Will goes to Rosalita’s Roadhouse, “where men are men and the sheep are nervous,” with Shannon, and they have a great time together. The two of them sing the honky tonk classic “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer,” and seeing Coach Beiste sing in her cowboy get-up is truly wonderful. I love her and Will as friends.

Kurt stops by Rachel’s to “help her clean up after the party,” but really to see how her date earlier that evening with Blaine had gone. She said it was “lovely,” and that they went to a showing of Love Story at a revival art house and “even dressed up as the characters.”

“That’s not gay at all,” Kurt says. “Did you kiss?”

Rachel says their mouths were too busy reciting Ali McGraw’s lines to kiss. Then she says she did expect him to kiss her when the date was over, “But I guess the timing just wasn’t right.”

“Or the blood alcohol level,” Kurt says.

Rachel says she knows Kurt has feelings for Blaine, but Blaine is obviously conflicted, and if he turns out to be straight, isn’t she doing Kurt a favor? (Obviously Rachel has also never heard of bisexuality.)

“And I’m doing you a favor,” Kurt says, “by telling you that Blaine is the first of a long line of conflicted men that you will date that will later turn out to be only the most flaming of homosexuals.”

Rachel objects that she and Blaine have a lot in common, to which Kurt replies, “A sentiment expressed by many a hag about many a gay.” He goes on to tell her that he’s sure Blaine and Rachel would have a great time shopping and arguing over recipes, but they’ll never have chemistry.

She says she’s going to have a sober kiss with Blaine and prove him wrong.

This scene is troubling because it’s not that what Kurt’s saying isn’t true and even quite funny on some level, but hello, Blaine didn’t say he thought he was straight; he was wondering if he was bisexual, which both of them are ignoring as a possibility. And since he in fact does turn out to be gay, and not bi, the non-existence of bisexuals is, intentionally or not, being reinforced here.

Sorry, off the narrative again, aren’t I?

Shannon brings Will home, and he sits down and grades papers, giving everyone an A+. Then he drunk dials Emma and starts to leave an emotional message on her voice mail.

The next day, Will has a killer hangover, and tries to apologize to Emma, who has no idea what he’s talking about. Then Sue comes up to him in the hall and does another riff on him needing rehab, which really just doesn’t make any sense; it feels like they just had to drop some Sue in there randomly. It reminded me of how they use the Warblers, actually.

Kurt is trying to teach Burt how to make a soufflé, and he’s getting a little snippy. Burt objects, and Kurt says, “I’m sorry, Dad. It’s Blaine. He’s interested in Rachel.”

“I thought he was gay, too.”

“Oh, he is,” Kurt says. “He’s just experimenting.”

“He’s not the only one,” Burt says.

“What does that mean?”

Burt tells him he has to ask before he has someone sleep over. Kurt objects that they didn’t do anything, and that Kurt just let him crash there because he was too drunk to drive.

His dad flares up about them drinking, and Kurt says that neither he nor Finn drank anything. And he asks if his father would feel the same way if Finn had a sleepover with Puck. (Speaking of a mountain of fan fiction …)

Burt points out that it’s not the same; it would be more like Finn having a girl sleep over, which he wouldn’t allow. And he’s right. But then Kurt makes another point.

“But would it make you uncomfortable if he did?”

“When have I been uncomfortable with you being gay?” Burt asks.

“So it’s not being gay that upsets you, it’s just me acting on it?”

“I don’t know what two guys do when they’re together. You know, I sat through that whole Brokeback Mountain. From what I gather, something went down in the tent.”

Oh, Burt, even when you’re getting it wrong, you’re still the best television dad ever. I heart you madly.

Burt says he just wants Kurt to apologize for being inappropriate, and promise to never do it again.

“Okay, fine,” Kurt says, seeming a little more upset than his bravado lets on. “I apologize. And I promise not to have any  more sleepovers with anyone who might be gay without asking you first.”

“Thank you,” Burt says.

Kurt walks to the door, then turns around and says, “But maybe you could step outside your comfort zone and educate yourself, so if I have any questions I could go to my dad like any straight son could.”

I didn’t see that coming, not at all. Awesome. And you know Burt’s going to do it. Which is going to be completely embarrassing for us all, but so full of love. What a great dad.

Back at McKinley, New Directions is backstage waiting to do their “Alcohol Awareness Week” number. Brittany has stage fright. “Ke$ha’s been a cultural icon for weeks,” she says, “and I really want to do her music justice.”

Rachel offers up some disgusting alcoholic concoction including everything left in her dads’ liquor cabinet, plus kool-aid and some crumbled up Oreos. And cough syrup. They drink: “To Ke$ha!”

They do “Tick Tock,” with Brittany front and center. It’s auto-tuned to death, but damn, Heather Morris can dance. She’s just incredible. And I hate this stupid song. Or I used to.

A minute into the song, Brittany hisses to Rachel that she doesn’t feel well, and Rachel tells her to “power through it,” which she does, dropping into a split when she sings, “The party don’t start ’til I walk in.”

The power only lasts so long, though, because she heaves purple vomit all over Rachel. And then Santana pukes all over the edge of the stage.

Brittany stands there, vomit everywhere, and tells the audience, “Everybody, drink responsibly.”

Back to gratuitous Sue, who plays Will’s “drunk dial” message to Emma, which he seems to have left on Sue’s voice mail by mistake, over the school PA system.

She keeps going on about Will’s “alcoholism,” when he’s clearly not being portrayed as an alcoholic — he just got drunk one night. And it struck me that maybe there’s supposed to be some kind of parallel there with Blaine wondering if he’s bisexual? I don’t know, I’m giving them too much credit, aren’t I?

The whole Glee Club gets brought into Mr. Figgins’ office, and we learn that he believed they were acting when they sang “Tick Tock,” and that the vomit was a special effect. He also thinks William needs “to see someone about your sex and love addiction.”

But when they get back to the choir room, Will yells at them about drinking while performing or at school.

“That’s sort of like the pot calling the kettle black,” Quinn points out.

“That is so racist,” Brittany says to Mercedes.

Will agrees, and says he’s going to stop drinking. “But if you don’t drink,” says Santana, “What will you have to live for?”

He says he has plenty to live for, and has all the kids sign a pledge to not drink until Nationals, and says he won’t, either. He also gives them his number and says if they’re every anywhere and too drunk to get home, they can call him, no questions asked. /PSA

Rachel and Kurt are staking out the coffeehouse, waiting for Blaine, who always shows up at 3:30 like clockwork for his “post-rehearsal meeting drip.” (Why isn’t Kurt at the rehearsal?)

Kurt says he doesn’t want Rachel to get hurt, and that there’s no victory in this for him either way.

She says it’s not about him; she might get a boyfriend out of this who could keep up with her vocally and in the future “give me vaguely Eurasian looking children.”

He seems happy to see Rachel… until she, to a soundtrack of Carole King’s “I Feel the Earth Move,” lays a huge kiss on him.

To which he replies, “Huh. Yup, I’m gay. 100 percent gay.  Thank you so much for clearing that up for me, Rachel. Listen, hold my place in line for me, wouldya? I need to hit the rest room.” And he goes off.

So that’s where it all ended up; one spark-less kiss, and all those questions, all that angst that he hurt Kurt with, all that comparing it to Karofsky, all that big drama… and it’s over. As if being gay was about not being attracted to a specific individual instead of being attracted to a person of the same sex.

I think it’s insulting to bisexuals, and makes Blaine seem even more shallow and un-together than he already did. Until now, it was charming. Now, for the first time, I don’t think he’s good enough for Kurt — and I somehow don’t think that’s what the writers wanted me to think.

Rachel’s totally thrilled, though, because getting dumped by a gay guy is solid gold when it comes to having lived. She races off to begin composing, leaving Kurt standing there with a look on his fact that conveyed equal parts bewilderment and, adorably, dawning understanding.

At one point Mercedes called Rachel’s party a “trainwreck,” and that’s kind of how I feel about this episode. I’m writing this immediately after watching it. You’ve all had a chance to sleep on it. What do you think?

Here’s some of our favorite tweets from you guys last night via #gaysharks

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