The new Wonder Woman costume makes us wonder worry

You know when you’ve been invited to a Halloween party on Oct. 30 and so you run to the costume store to find something to wear and your only choices are sexy kitten, sexy witch, sexy nurse or Wonder Woman? So you grab the Wonder Woman costume because at least she is a culturally accepted symbol of female empowerment and, let’s face it, the golden lasso could be fun at the party?

And then you try it on and it’s tackier and shinier and pornier than anything Lynda Carter would ever consider stepping her pinky toe into? If I said the new costume for the Wonder Woman TV remake is worse than that, would you believe me?

Suffering Sappho, why so shiny? So much wrong is happening here it’s hard to comprehend in one look. In fact, with each successive look it gets worse. So let’s start at the beginning.

1. It looks cheap. The vinyl looks cheap. The golden accents look cheap. The headband looks cheap. The bracelets look cheap. Everything looks like if you turned it over you’d see the label “Made in Taiwan” stamped on it.

2. It will surely lead to Wonder Cameltoe. Any costume with an enormous seam up the crotch is asking for trouble. No good can come of this. Only heartbreak and a million unflattering screencaps on the internet.

3. It makes one worry about her feminine health. Those pants are clearly a non-breathable material and therefore makes me worry about, um, moisture levels. Also, it looks squeaky which is never good when trying to fight crime. In short, stock up on Wonder Baby Powder, honey.

4. It is one step forward, one step back. Yes to the pants. Pants are always good. Pants are practical. No to the high-heeled boots. High heels are hot. High heels are not good running, fighting or ass-kicking. High heels are not practical. And I’m just going to assume she has some Wonder Costume Tape to keep her Wonder Twins inside that super-tight bustier.

5. It looks like they used the Crayola 8-pack. Why so many garish primary colors on her costume and in her makeup? Why not go for something slightly more subtle, more cohesive? Spring for the 64-pack, you can afford it.

Now, some of the problem is the Photoshopping. Why doesn’t she have armpits anymore, exactly? The studio lighting is probably making her outfit look shinier than it really is. And, granted, there’s nothing wrong with a sexy outfit. Sexy is good, sexy is really, really good. But this isn’t sexy so much as it is lady you hire to jump out of a birthday cake at a superhero theme party in Vegas.

With all the money, hype and resources NBC and series creator David E. Kelley must be pouring into this production, this was the best they could do? Kelley has said all along he isn’t trying to make the remake campy. But then he gives us this costume.

In fact, I think I’d almost rather see the new comics Wonder Woman costume than this costume. Give me the little shoulder jacket and jeggings. At least they look sort of expensive.

Now, none of this is meant in any way to be disrespectful to Wonder Woman herself, Adrianne Palicki. She is very much filling out that costume and then some. She looks, quite literally, like a living cartoon character. Also, uncomfortable. But with couple of fixes the costume could actually be fine. Non-reflective material, darker hues, red boots, less plasticky emblems and – for the love of Queen Hippolyta – lose the crotch seam. A few color tweaks can make a very big difference.

The world’s previous reigning Diana Prince was complimentary of the new duds. Carter told E! Online:

I think she looks fabulous. It’s a new look and, jeez, her body looks fantastic. … You know, I’m very sensitive to the fact that she will be compared. There’s no getting around it. It is what it is. I would hope that people would cut her some slack. I’m sure there will be people who say she looks better than me and like her better than me — and that’s also fine. I want this story to be told again. I’m really excited. I can’t wait to see it.

Is it weird that I can’t help missing the star-spangled hotpants?

So, have you taken a shine to Wonder Woman’s new body suit? Want to run to the Spirit Halloween store and buy her a better one? Man, now I really can’t wait to see what they do with the Invisible Jet.