The best thing about the bizarro way ABC Family chops up its TV seasons is that we don’t have to wait half a year to get back to our favorite shows. Why, it’s only been three months since we last saw our favorite Liars huddled around Ian’s hanging body, discussing things like, “Who murdered him? How deep did his creepy run, really? What color is that nail polish, Aria? Do you think it would look good on toes, too? JEEPERS H. CHRISTMAS, WHERE DID IAN GO?!”
The thing about Pretty Little Liars, though, is that even a week away is enough time for you to forget the Scooby shenanigans intricacies of the plot. So, I’ve made a list of 10 things you need to remember before tonight’s season two premiere. (If this is your introduction to Pretty Little Liars, welcome, my child. We’ve been waiting for you.)
1) Evil takes a human form in Alison Dilaurentis
Alison was the original Queen Bee of the Liars. She was also the bitchiest bitch to ever bitch. She gave Hanna an eating disorder, she wrecked Aria’s parents’ marriage, she made Spencer into some kind of boyfriend snatcher, and she turned Emily into a lesbian. OK, fine; she didn’t cause those things, but she was certainly the catalyst. She was the most horrible person on earth. The only good thing she ever did was show Emily how awesome boobs are. Then she went and got herself murdered.
2) A’s hair is so big because it’s full of secrets
After Alison died, her four best buddies – Spencer, Aria, Hanna and Emily – went their separate ways. When the cops discovered Alison’s body a year later, the Liars came back together because some mysterious person(s) named “A” found all their secrets and started blackmailing them. The hands-down best blackmailing involves: Texts read aloud in unison, Hannah eating an entire box of pig-shaped cupcakes, someone getting mowed down by a car and/or attacked by a vampire.
3) Emily always has an awesome time. She drinks awesome shooters, listens to awesome music, and then everyone just sits around and soaks up her awesomeness
Emily’s original secret is that she’s a lesbian. She was in love with Alison, but after Ali died and Ems came out, girl straight up played the game. She dated Maya, who got sent off to juvie camp; Paige, who tried to drown her but then made up and made out with her; and now she’s got her eye on some GSA prez named Sammara. Emily’s dad is in the army and he’s a-ok with the gay thing. Emily’s mom? Not so much. She wants to pack up Emily and move her to Texas, where the sun is hot and the women have hair as big as the sky.
4) Hanna is sorry everyone’s jealous of her, but she can’t help it she’s so popular
Hanna was “chubby” until Alison gave her an eating disorder. Then Alison died and Hanna became the Queen Bee. She dated the football captain, but he wouldn’t sleep with her. So she kind of dated the hobbit who ran the yearbook, but he had muddy shoes. So then she dated a hobo who lived in the school ventilation system, and he was happy to swipe her V-card. Hanna turns out to the be the sweetest, most supportive friend in Rosewood, PA.
5) Spencer, like, invented period costumes, you know what I mean?
Spencer Hastings is one half of the dynamic crime fighting team called Scooby and Shaggy, wherein she is Shaggy and Aria is Scooby. They are both absolute shit at sleuthing. One time Spencer made out with her sister’s boyfriend, Ian. Then Ian and Melissa got back together. Then they got married. Then he impregnated her with his demon spawn. Then it came to light that he’d been filming the Liars through their windows since they were children. Then Spencer tried to confront him. Then he tried to kill her. Then someone mysterious person in a hoodie killed him instead. Whatever, though. Spencer’s things are: a) Her desperately sexy voice. b) Her desperately sexy brain. c) Her hats.
6) I have this theory that if you cut off Aria’s hair, she’d look like a British man
Aria’s number one feeling is that she is in love with her literature professor and he loves her back. Their affair hasn’t been consummated, but they have worn paper bags on their heads and taken a website page photo together. Aria’s mother is Piper from Charmed. In season two, it is time for her to breakout some magic.
7) The Liars’ parents aren’t like regular parents, they’re cool parents
The Liars’ parents are the worst thing. Hanna’s mom is a bank robber, Aria’s dad is an adulterer, Spencer’s parents think she’s delusional, and Emily’s mom almost poisoned her girlfriend.
8) I know it may seem like Mona is being a bitch, but that’s only because she is acting like a bitch.
Mona is Hanna’s BFF outside of the Liars. One time she had a glamping (glamor + camping) party in the woods where Hanna was gunned down by A. Mona’s greatest aspirations are: a) Homecoming queen. b) To crawl inside Hanna’s clothes and live there with her forever, skin to skin. c) To make a skin suit out of Hanna’s skin and wear it around like a coat.
9) JennaBot may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag, but in reality, she’s so much more than that.
JennaBot is Toby Cavenaugh’s step-sister. Toby Cavenaugh is also known as Boo Radley Van Cullen. He is a vampire. JennaBot is a Cylon. They used to have sex. Then Toby loved Emily, but realized he was barking up the wrong lesbian. Now Toby loves Spencer. JennaBot is blind because Alison threw a firecracker at her face one time while the Liars watched in horror. JennaBot is a flute-playing creepster with the strength of a hundred armies. Only three sentences in this whole paragraph are true.
10) We can assign someone to butter your muffin.
The most important thing about Pretty Little Liars is that you watch and play along! You can Tweet with us with the hashtag #BooRadleyVanCullen. The best Tweets make the recap. You can also join in the discussion, starting right now!
What was your favorite Season 1 moment? (Drunk Emily!) What are you most looking forward to in season two? (More drunk Emily!)
