Great LezBritain: “Candy Bar Girls” recap — Episode 1

“Great LezBritian” is a fortnightly stroll through the very best of British lesbo-centric entertainment and culture. Plus there will be some jolly good interviews with the top ladies who are waving the flag for gay UK.

Channel 5’s not-too-subtle marketing campaign for Candy Bar Girls kicked off a couple of weeks ago with giant billboards roaring: “Lesbians” which immediately set the lezzer world a flutter with chatter about just how good, or s–t, or so s–t it’s good, the show was going to be. Because we’re gays and we don’t see ourselves on the small screen very much, the key questions are always: “How will this represent me?” So let’s see, shall we?

The show’s opening credits, which appear to have cost Channel Five about 12 pence to make, introduce us to.”The Candy Bar, this is the story of the girls that work and play here.” Oh Candy Bar Girls we wait with bated breath to see what rounded delights of lesbionic culture you are going to dissect and present to us.

First up we have Sandra, the Candy Bar’s promotions manager who is aiming to revamp her bar into something all lesbians will want to go to. Sandra quite rightly feels that the bar used to be a hotspot for d–kheads and she wants to change that perception. As you would.

Her first job is to scoot around the bar’s dance floor looking for pretty faces to represent this new era of the Candy Bar and gather them all together in a photo shoot. Quite a lovely self-appointed challenge for Sandra we feel.

Sandra spots Danni, who like many young British lesbians has obviously spent a lot of time looking at Jessie J videos and has successfully morphed into Jessie D. Sandra tells Jessie D of her plan and she tries to suppress her glee in being picked as a possible new face of Candy, but we can see it. She is f–king delighted.

Jessie D, is a 22-year-old who seems to have moved to London after finishing her degree to try and become a model or a pole dancer or indeed anything that will get her known somewhere and somehow. There are many flaws within this new career plan, but who are we to rain on her parade, we shall not be negative and instead keep our fingers and toes crossed for Jessie D.

Jessie D goes to an audition and gets rejected by Models One.

But every cloud and all that, because she still has an audition at Candy Bar to be a pole dancer there. That sly fox Sandra must have set that one up when the camera was turned off.

We are next presented with Gary, the new owner of Candy Bar. He is determined to make his new venue a success and displays this by continuously ordering random people to get rid of things and pointing at a lot of stuff.

Jessie D: I’m just about to have my pole dancing audition with Sandra but I am getting in there early and have a bit of a warm up and get my blue on. I’m going blue today.

Sarah: Is this a double entendre?
Lee: I hope Sandra is fully prepared for this.

Jessie D saunters into the club’s main room in a blue twin set and in a honeyed tone calls after Sandra.

Sandra turns into a 14-year-old boy and giggles. Right now she is more Louis Walsh than Simon Cowell in the judging stakes.

To set the scene for the high level Sandra is expecting, we get a cutaway to a previous interview with her: “If we do have dancers on the pole then I want to see something more interesting.”

A tough standard has been set and cue Jessie D who tells Sandra that normally she uses UV paint but by Gordon Bennett she‘s forgotten it. Sandra mentally stamps her foot because she wants to see Jessie D break out her moves with her paint on.

Without the paint, Jessie D gives the kind of performance that Sandra obviously finds interesting because Miss D is “worked into the schedule” and the story arc of Jessie D has well and truly begun.