“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.04): Evildoers beware the Ponytail of Righteous Justice

Welcome to this week’s episode of Rizzoli & Is…It Just Me or Are You Totally Traumatized Too? Right, so first things first, this was a very serious episode. There is nothing funny about missing or murdered children. At all. Even fictional ones. But seeing as it is my job to wrest subtext and levity out of even the most intense situations, I shall soldier on as best I can. Are you ready? OK. Feel free to hold my hand, it’s going to get a little intense.

A girl is IMing an unseen friend in the park when a car pulls up alongside her. The woman inside says she is a substitute teacher and the girl’s brother has been hurt. At this point, when we’d normally be yelling “Kiss already!” at Maura and Jane, instead we’re yelling “Stranger danger!” at the little girl. Don’t get in the car, honey, do not get in the car. And, dammit. This is going to be really, really bad.

At headquarters Dr. Maura Isles is displaying her décolletage to Det. Jane Rizzoli in the familiar office-time mating dance we’ve grown to know and love. She uses some excuse about the cleaning lady shrinking her wool suit and then asks if the “tight” fit makes her look fat. Jane, being no stranger to this mating dance herself, deadpans back that Maura looks “ginormous” – all 116.8 pounds of her. And then Maura says something about hormones and you can practically smell the pheromones coming off the screen.

Jane says they should go to the gym, because nothing works off repressed hormones like getting sweaty. Of course, there are lots of ways to get sweaty. Maura suggests yoga, Jane counters with boxing. Maura suggests Zumba, Jane counters with beer. How many analogies for butch/femme can this show come up?

But before our favorite LLBFFs can go full-on pants v. pumps on each other, a woman comes running in the lobby calling for Jane and saying her daughter is missing. It’s Nicole, the wife of Jane’s former partner in the Drug Control Unit. It’s also Annie Wersching, better known as FBI special agent Renee Walker from 24. Jesus, is Jack Bauer going to show up and torture someone, too? I can’t take it; this episode is already crazy heavy.

Jane springs into action. And when I say “spring,” I mean it. She does the full Wonder Woman hair turn and I half expect her to emerge in the star-spangled hotpants. She promises the kidnapped girl’s little brother she’ll get his sister, Mandy, back. And then Maura gives Jane an encouraging “You can do it, baby”-back pat. Hey, I said this episode was intense. I’ll take my Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching wherever I can get it.

Jane and Maura interview the little boy over a plate of milk and cookies in the police café. I’m not entirely sure why a medical examiner would help to interview a living witness, but I’m just going to assume everyone at the station knows Jane and Maura are a package deal and never question their methods.

Dan, Jane’s ex-partner, shows up and starts blaming his wife for leaving the kids alone. They’re separated and, of course, start yelling at each other. This isn’t helping, people. Jane tells him to get a grip. The good news about having an intense episode is when Angie Harmon gets intense, her voice gets more intense, too. Hell, I think even her cheekbones get more intense.

Jane tells Frost that, “This job just kills every relationship.” Which, clearly, is why you should be in a relationship with someone who intimately understands the stresses of you job because she sees them every day, too. Now who could that be – let me think, let me think.

But before we can solve that very simple riddle, they get word that a girl’s body has been found. As they descend on the scene, Jane tries to compose herself. This is personal; she was at this little girl’s christening. As Maura begins to examine the body Dan shows up and we hear the pleading, desperate voice of a father asking if that’s his daughter. You see, this is exactly why I can never, ever watch the movie Mystic River again.