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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.04): Evildoers beware the Ponytail of Righteous Justice

Welcome to this week’s episode of Rizzoli & Is…It Just Me or Are You Totally Traumatized Too? Right, so first things first, this was a very serious episode. There is nothing funny about missing or murdered children. At all. Even fictional ones. But seeing as it is my job to wrest subtext and levity out of even the most intense situations, I shall soldier on as best I can. Are you ready? OK. Feel free to hold my hand, it’s going to get a little intense.

A girl is IMing an unseen friend in the park when a car pulls up alongside her. The woman inside says she is a substitute teacher and the girl’s brother has been hurt. At this point, when we’d normally be yelling “Kiss already!” at Maura and Jane, instead we’re yelling “Stranger danger!” at the little girl. Don’t get in the car, honey, do not get in the car. And, dammit. This is going to be really, really bad.

At headquarters Dr. Maura Isles is displaying her dĂ©colletage to Det. Jane Rizzoli in the familiar office-time mating dance we’ve grown to know and love. She uses some excuse about the cleaning lady shrinking her wool suit and then asks if the “tight” fit makes her look fat. Jane, being no stranger to this mating dance herself, deadpans back that Maura looks “ginormous” — all 116.8 pounds of her. And then Maura says something about hormones and you can practically smell the pheromones coming off the screen.

Jane says they should go to the gym, because nothing works off repressed hormones like getting sweaty. Of course, there are lots of ways to get sweaty. Maura suggests yoga, Jane counters with boxing. Maura suggests Zumba, Jane counters with beer. How many analogies for butch/femme can this show come up?

But before our favorite LLBFFs can go full-on pants v. pumps on each other, a woman comes running in the lobby calling for Jane and saying her daughter is missing. It’s Nicole, the wife of Jane’s former partner in the Drug Control Unit. It’s also Annie Wersching, better known as FBI special agent Renee Walker from 24. Jesus, is Jack Bauer going to show up and torture someone, too? I can’t take it; this episode is already crazy heavy.

Jane springs into action. And when I say “spring,” I mean it. She does the full Wonder Woman hair turn and I half expect her to emerge in the star-spangled hotpants. She promises the kidnapped girl’s little brother she’ll get his sister, Mandy, back. And then Maura gives Jane an encouraging “You can do it, baby”-back pat. Hey, I said this episode was intense. I’ll take my Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching wherever I can get it.

Jane and Maura interview the little boy over a plate of milk and cookies in the police cafĂ©. I’m not entirely sure why a medical examiner would help to interview a living witness, but I’m just going to assume everyone at the station knows Jane and Maura are a package deal and never question their methods.

Dan, Jane’s ex-partner, shows up and starts blaming his wife for leaving the kids alone. They’re separated and, of course, start yelling at each other. This isn’t helping, people. Jane tells him to get a grip. The good news about having an intense episode is when Angie Harmon gets intense, her voice gets more intense, too. Hell, I think even her cheekbones get more intense.

Jane tells Frost that, “This job just kills every relationship.” Which, clearly, is why you should be in a relationship with someone who intimately understands the stresses of you job because she sees them every day, too. Now who could that be — let me think, let me think.

But before we can solve that very simple riddle, they get word that a girl’s body has been found. As they descend on the scene, Jane tries to compose herself. This is personal; she was at this little girl’s christening. As Maura begins to examine the body Dan shows up and we hear the pleading, desperate voice of a father asking if that’s his daughter. You see, this is exactly why I can never, ever watch the movie Mystic River again.

But it’s not Mandy after all; it’s a different dead little girl. Jane wipes away a tear. I’m not sure I’m emotionally equipped to handle seeing Det. Jane Rizzoli cry. She put a bullet through her own abdomen to kill a bad guy. She wrestled a live grenade out of a man’s hands with her bare hands. She shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. No, wait. Not that last thing.

Maura examines the victim’s body back at the station. She had her chest bound to appear younger and on her sweatshirt there’s a large stain of tears and mucus. Maura guesses – yes things are so bad Maura is willingly guessing right now – that the tears came from someone the girl was holding against her chest. Also, if you picked “tears” as your drinking game word last night, you’re probably battling one hell of a hangover today.

Maura asks the dead girl to help them solve the case. Um, is she going to become the kind of medical examiner who talks to dead bodies? Because CSI: Miami had one of those and it was kind of creepy.

Back in the cafeteria Mandy’s mom bring her daughter’s laptop. She shows Jane some more pictures of Mandy and Jane says she looks grown-up and beautiful. But then she also says, “She looks strong.” I like that, I like that a lot. So often when we compliment little girls we just tell them how pretty or how beautiful they look. But rarely do we every say they looks strong. Does anyone else feel like a rousing recitation of Buffy’s “Are you ready to be strong” speech? Just me? Moving on.

Maura goes over what she found out about the dead girl with Jane. She is malnourished, sexually assaulted and held in captivity for three to five years. Jane brings up other couple abductees like Jaycee Dugard and Elizabeth Smart while questioning how the woman could be party to those unspeakable crimes. Me, I’m mostly wondering how quickly Jane and Maura can solve this case and then console each other with some serious cuddling time so I can stop thinking about all the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things that go bump in the night and day.

As Jane leaves, Maura tells her she’s doing everything she can to help. Jane looks back, gives her some sweet ocular spooning — like eye sex, but comforting instead of hot — and says she knows she is. Maura then does that creepy talking to the dead person thing and calls her a “sweet girl.” Which, in turn, sends me into a spiral of Black Swan paranoia where I start to wonder if someone is going to sprout wings and/or make out with Mila Kunis.

Now comes the “The internet is scary!” segment of the show. Mandy has a MySpace, Facebook and Twitter account. (Wait, people still have MySpace accounts?) Mandy was IMing with her best friend, “suprgrrl97.” But it wasn’t her best friend who lured her to the park to abduct her, it was “suprgurrl97” . That second “u” makes all the difference. It’s at this point Korsak makes the requisite grumpy old man comment about how doesn’t “get all this texting and U-ming and I-ming.” Also, get off my lawn.

Maura comes in saying she wants to show Jane something. I bet you do, dirty girl. I bet you do. I know, I know — not the time or place. Maura tells Jane the Jane Doe has bruising on her right side of the body, even though she was left-handed. Jane, who is also left-handed, wonders why she would defend herself on her weaker side. Hey, remember that study that said lesbians have a 91 percent greater chance of being left-handed or ambidextrous than straight women? Yeah, me too.

Seems the victim was fighting with her weaker right side while protecting something — or more likely someone — with her stronger left side. Aw, man, the poor dead girl died a hero trying to protect Mandy? Go ahead, twist the knife in a little more. But, that does mean that Mandy is probably still alive. So Jane and Maura slip in a very quick celebratory eye sex session. Like I said, this episode is super serious; we take our subtext wherever we can get it.

By analyzing the enamel on the Jane Doe’s teeth, Maura discovers she grew up in an area with a lot of natural fluoride in the water. And then by researching water content by county, she is able to find where she grew up in. Which then quickly leads to the dead girl’s identity. Score one for nerdy science girls. After notifying the girl’s family, her father gives them the envelope he’s been carrying around for the four years his daughter has been missing with her documents and pictures. Remember that envelope, people, because no one hands anyone an envelope on TV unless it’s critically important to the plot.

Back in the cafeteria, Mandy’s mom and brother have been up all night, and her brother has been drawing lighthouses non-stop. But they’ve never vacationed in Maine or anyplace else with lighthouses. So, um, clue! The license plate is probably from Connecticut. The boy also drew the suspect’s car with smoke coming from the back, so Jane makes car sounds to mimic a broken muffler for him. See, who needs big, dumb Giovanni when Jane can identity essential car repair via children’s drawings.

The state license plate and bum muffler lead Jane to a car with a fix it ticket, which leads Jane to a lady with a crazy driver’s license photo. You can always tell a when someone is guilty by her unfortunate and/or disheveled haircut. It’s a rule, ask Nick Nolte.

They put a police BOLO out on the car and find it quickly. Then just as they’re about to tail crazy unfortunate haircut woman back to where they’re keeping Mandy, some beat cop who doesn’t listen to his radio blows the undercover operation by showing up sirens blazing. Jane gives him the Pointy Finger of Righteous Indignation (copyright pending), while simultaneously slamming the suspect against the car. Now that’s multitasking I can truly appreciate.

Here’s another sign the crazy unfortunate haircut woman is crazy — she is an adult and she’s wearing a pink barrette. She won’t give up where Mandy is, but Jane knows better. “Oh, you’re going to talk to me,” she says in a way that almost makes me wish I was the suspect.

Back in the interrogation room, the woman and her creepy pink barrette aren’t talking. Instead she goes on about her partner being a “prophet.” I find referring to one’s significant others in biblical terms is almost never a good sign. This makes Jane very angry. Don’t make Jane angry, you wouldn’t like her when she’s angry. Wait, scratch that. Do make Jane angry, she’s super hot when she’s angry.

Maura returns to bring Jane the earlier victim’s envelope of paperwork from her father. Which, of course, turns out to be very important. Both Mandy and the other girl played soccer and were left handed. Maura says, “There is a lot of mythology associated with left-handedness that might trigger something in a sociopath. The devil is often portrayed as left handed.” Hm, well Jane is left handed. And she is one handsome devil. So, theory proven.

The soccer photographer turns out to be the suspect, so they storm his address. Jane has deployed her Ponytail of Righteous Justice (copyright also pending), so you know she means business.

Then as Rizzoli, Korsak and Frost search the house, the suspect comes screaming down the hall running at them with an axe. One axe versus three guns — whoever shall win? See Jane shoot suspect. See everyone shoot suspect. So, I guess this guy turned out to be less of a prophet and more of a total dumbass.

Jane finds Mandy tied up in the closet and they take her back to the police station where a touching family reunion ensues. Some touching TGTGT also ensues as Maura and Jane share a moment over this happy ending.

The happy reunion also prompts Jane to tell Maura that she is “never getting married — or having children.” Well, at least not until it’s legally recognized on a federal level. Maura purrs back, “You think that’ll protect you?” It certainly won’t from Maura with those who-needs-a-bedroom-let’s-do-it-on-the-sidewalk eyes.

So as Mandy and her family walk off, Jane implores Maura, “Now can we get a beer?” Yes, Jane. Beer, boxing, job-well-done eye sex. Whatever you want, baby, you’ve earned it.

And now for your totally traumatized #gayzzoli tweets from last night. Group hug, Rizzles gals, group hug.

Join us next week when Jane and Maura drink beer, talk about sports and discuss long “cylindrical objects.”

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