Nancy Botwin practices sexual equality on “Weeds”

Say what you will about Weeds‘ Nancy Botwin (Mary-Louise Parker), but I’ll give her this: She is an equal opportunity exploiter.

For those of us who hoped that a few years in federal prison might provoke some positive changes in TV’s most watchable drug dealer, reality has set in. If anything, Nancy is more ruthless than ever.

As of last week, she also is Zoya-less.

(If you’re not caught up on Season 7, beware of spoilers ahead.)

We knew in advance about cellmates Nancy and Zoya (Olga Sosnovska), who, judging from their passionate goodbye, shared much more than a sink during Nancy’s unfortunate incarceration.

We’ve been waiting ever since for Zoya to show up again — and she did. So let’s catch up on the sexy Soviet, shall we?

As Nancy was about to leave prison, Zoya presented her with the “key to their future” in the form of a pair of oven mitts. Our imaginations reeled, but the memento turned out to be practical, allowing Nancy to sort through hot coals at a spa to find a hidden key, which unlocked a store of illegal weapons. Nancy delivers them to “the Sarge,” who turns out to be Zoya’s brother, a new source of weed, and a new sex partner.

I’m all for family ties, but how a woman who had sex with Zoya could be interested in her brother is beyond me. Of course, my Kinsey reading is pretty much 100% gaymo, so I may be missing something.

Over the next six episodes, Nancy, being Nancy, finds another boy on the side, Chuck, as well as a way out of the halfway house. But then she visits the Sarge, whose name is Demetri, and finds a surprise guest: Zoya. She’s in a towel, fresh from the shower, and greets Nancy with, “Hello, lover.” Despite the picture in your head right now, the reunion is more nightmare than fantasy fodder.

Zoya is out of prison and not thrilled to learn that Nancy is sleeping with baby brother. But like a good lesbian, she encourages Nancy to process.

“Who do you belong to?”

“You. And the knife at my throat has nothing to do with it.”

The two go off to bed, but Nancy sneaks off to get a stash of primo pot out of Demetri’s room once Zoya is asleep. Demetri is still awake, though, and grabs Nancy for a not-so-quickie, complete with hickey. In fact, Nancy leaves the apartment with two Russian hickeys and no weed. Hey, I’m just reporting here.

While Nancy has been playing musical beds this season, Andy opened a bike shop that Silas uses as a front for a drug dealing operation. It’s all very confusing most of the time, but Zoya’s best moment of the season comes when she follows Demetri when he delivers the pot to the shop. As all of Nancy’s boys gather around to smoke, Zoya bursts in and declares herself as the family’s new business partner and the love of Nancy’s life. And seals it with a kiss.

Andy and Silas are visibly moved.

The scene was something of a cliffhanger and I hoped that Zoya’s role would kick into high gear, even though Nancy obviously didn’t have real feelings for her. Instead, Nancy convinced Zoya that she needed to get out of town because the authorities know she threatened to burn down Chuck’s townhouse (which Nancy burned down) and are looking for her.

And Zoya, even after seeing everything that Nancy had been up to, sincerely promised Nancy that someday they would be together again. Nancy must be amazing in bed.

All this is to say that Weeds‘ lesbian storyline sadly had very little lesbian and, even sadder, very little story. Zoya, as well as Demetri and Chuck, are just three more in the line of sexual partners Nancy has used to get what she wants. As always.

Are you still watching Weeds? What do you think of this season?