“America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” recap: “CSI: Crimes of Passion”? No, “Crimes of Fashion”

Welcome back ladies and gents! If you’ve made it this far along the All Stars cycle of America’s Next Top Model, you are a true warrior!

The episode begins with the girls coming back to the house and Angelea says she’s going to work on showing herself more.

Lisa brings out the bottles of wine and reminds us she did a stint on Celebrity Rehab. I totally missed that season, but I’m thinking the networks are going to have to start redefining their takes on “Celebrity” “Stars” and “All Stars.” Even though Lisa brought the booze out, she says she’s not going to drink. She’s going to keep her head focused.

The girls get some snail mail and while the younger contestants seem to be getting a lot of clothes and fun things from home, Camille gets a big box of work. She said she’s been doing well but work has been really slow and doesn’t pay what it used to.

Kayla starts feeling uneasy and her heart is racing. As she lies in bed, she starts feeling worse and the handful of painkillers she took didn’t help her cause. Allison is, like, freaking out, camera people and producers are coming in. Kayla vomits and gasps for air. Ambulances come and it seems like the models don’t know whether to laugh, cry or booty tooch.

We break for commercial and I HATE this fake celebrity couple thing. WTF is this Sparah.com business and do people really care? I don’t get it. What I do care about is, what does everyone think of Drew Barrymore‘s new red hair color? Has she been reading my blog about how I love redheads?

Back at the house, the models are talking about how scared they are and how this really makes them look at life differently. Sweetie Laura walks back into the house with Kayla. Everyone seems to be genuinely happy she’s back and safe. Sometimes you just don’t know with these girls.

Tyra Mail comes and the girls are told “It would be a crime” for them to miss the next challenge. They meet Jay Manuel on the set of CSI and the girls are psyched. I need to have a serious talk with Jay about this washed out jean jacket with the tube-top looking shirt and makeshift ascot.

Bianca says she can do everything and not everyone else can. Alexandria is wearing a crop top and what looks like heels that have been made by Teva. What is going on here?

The ladies are escorted into one of the medical examiner rooms on the CSI set. Executive Producer Anthony E. Zuiker, awakens from under a sheet on one of the autopsy tables. He is dressed to the nines and (regardless of how creepy he just was) is the best dressed in the room.

He hands them all a script and says they’ve got a half hour to memorize it. Kayla says some of the medical terms are longer than her face. I’m not really sure about that analogy, but OK.

Bre asks if there’s anyone to help them with the pronunciation of some of the medical terms, which is a reasonable question and gets her bonus points in my book for not being afraid to ask questions. Mr. Zuiker pronounces one of them once, then Jay Manuel scurries him out of the room, hopefully to write a new script about the case of his missing fashion sense.

The models are hard at work trying to memorize their script and Camille is hoping this can turn into something more permanent. Unfortunately, she’ll have to get over her nervous shaking habit first. Kayla does a great job, Laura looks cute, Dominique is making up words. Everyone is flubbing a lot of the lines, but at least they’re trying to look pretty.

It’s Angelea’s turn, everybody, and watch out. She says she’s “Got the most talent up in this bitch. I sing, I act, I model. The fans love me. Everybody loves me. I look good.” She does a great job, and Zuiker tells her she’s on her way to winning the challenge.

Bre says she’s petrified, but she nails the words. Lisa keeps dropping some foul language and it’s not really helping her audition. She messes the whole thing up and so it seems as though Angelea and Bre are the only two contestants who even have a remote chance of winning this thing.

Lisa gets some direction from Mr. Zuiker, who tells her to take things more seriously. His direction totally goes over her head and it seems like she doesn’t even try to get it right. Jay Manuel is shocked that she was the worst of the day.

The best two girls of the day were Bre, who was classy, and Angelea was herself and charmed them. Her charm didn’t work enough though, Bre won that bitch.

More Tyra mail comes and alludes to “expressing yourself.” The girls all know this must be a photo shoot for Express clothing, which is one of the sponsors for this cycle.

The Beverly Hills mansion at which they’re staying is used as the backdrop for the photo shoot, and they can pick between four different personas as inspiration for their shoot: The girlfriend, the flirt, the cool chick and the socialite. They’ll play these roles with three male models.

Angelea says she needs some testosterone in her life, so she’s really excited to be around the hot male models. Seriously, those guys are bangin’. She ends up going first and chooses to be a socialite. I was kind of surprised, but I guess she’s kind of like Jenny from the Block. She rocked it and impressed the woman in charge of the shoot.

Kayla does an OK job as the cool chick. Allison surprised me by wanting to play the girlfriend. Bre is the flirt. Dominique is the cool chick. Bianca chose to go the flirt route too, but says she wanted to push the limits. I have no clue what limits she’s pushing because her shoot comes off as really dry and boring. She insists she knows more about what she’s doing than everyone else and says as much to Jay Manuel, who is not havin’ that.

The commercial break comes and I’m not really feeling J. Lo driving a Fiat, even if she looks hot.

Back from break, Alexandria decides to play a socialite and Jay says she looks more like a madame. She needs to be more “ballsy.” Camille says she doesn’t think they would want to hire a 33-year-old, so she has to bring her A-game. Unfortunately, she underserves.

Lisa comes into the shoot trying to psych up her male models and tell them how cool she is. She ends up flailing everywhere and it seems more lukewarm than cool.

After the shoot, the girls get frisky; Kayla won’t stop talking about her emergency room visit; Camille is upset because she doesn’t feel like she has the time the other girls do to achieve their dreams; and Lisa starts blaming the guys and their lack of energy for how awkward her shoot was.

Back at the elimination panel, Andre, Nigel and and Mr. Zuiker will be doing the judging with Tyra. This does not bode well for Lisa.

Laura is up first, and her grandma Wanda Sue has really stepped it up with her dress! Her picture is great. Totally flirty and pretty.

Kayla’s picture is awesome and she’s definitely the cool chick. She even looks hot with that animal hat on.

Dominique did awful at the CSI challenge, but totally rocked her photo shoot according to the judges. I’m sorry but I didn’t really see her as the cool chick, I saw her more as a cougar socialite, but OK.

Bre’s picture was very flirty, I think I may have seen her playing a little pocket pool with one of the models, if you know what I’m sayin’. Nigel didn’t really like it though.

Alexandria didn’t really do it for them. They say she needs to remember her customer. Now, is it just me, or has her entire tone changed ever since she got that haircut? I was serious when I said I think she may have just been pissy that whole time because she had a bad hairdo.

Allison goes next and she really works it. Nigel says he loves that she’s so awkward in person but she does a great job on film. Camille had a hard time engaging everyone.

When it’s Lisa’s turn to be judged, she does a backwards moonwalk and is wearing on her head what looks like the crocheted toilet paper cozy my grandma used to have in the bathroom.

They ask her what happened in her CSI challenge to make her flub it so hard. She says she felt like she just didn’t have enough time and she was the last one to go, so the script was already out of her hands for an hour and a half. She does have a point there, if that was the case. I have a hard time remembering things I wrote, said, ate or thought five minutes ago.

Her Express shot came out nicely I thought, but Andre isn’t feeling the happiness from it. She says the boys were starving and grumpy. Tyra says she should’ve thrown down. Seriously, I don’t know what they didn’t like about this picture:

Bianca failed as a flirt and Shannon apparently did a nice job, but I fell asleep looking at her shot.

Angelea did a great job with her shot and with learning her lines. She impressed everyone this week.

 Tyra says, “Eleven beautiful ladies stand before me, but I only have ten photos.” The winner of the challenge was “Haaaay, hallelujah” Angelea. She nailed it, and while her very high opinion of herself sometimes annoys the hell out of me, she always keeps it real.

The bottom three for the night were Alexandria, who came in third, Lisa and Camille. Tyra says Lisa and Camille are polar opposites and that some might say Lisa is out of control while Camille is in control. I haven’t really seen Lisa out of control, aside from some of the outfits she’s chosen to wear. Tyra says the one commonality they shared were excuses in this week’s challenges.

In the end, Lisa’s time at Top Model is extended and Camille is sent home to handle her bills.

Next week, they send in the clowns with the Kardashian sisters and Latoya Jackson joining the girls at what appears to be a carnival. And finally, it looks like some drama enters the house. I don’t know what it is about this season but it is more tame than a PBS special on Amish furniture making. Where is my Ty Ty of yore? Where are the crazy faces and the bizarre interactions and weird role playing that I’m used to? After so many cycles, why class it up?

How are the rest of you holding up this cycle?