Gay Girl’s Goggles: “2 Broke Girls” SnapCap (1.04)

When only four percent of scripted TV shows feature LGBT characters, what’s a gay girl to do? Why, strap on your gay goggles and watch TV along with us, of course! Our handy appraisal scale is better than any old letter grade. Other sites A+. We say, “What about our lezzy-lady feelings?”

I learned three things from this week’s 2 Broke Girls: 1) The three worst things in history are “Hitler,” “hipsters” and “karaoke;” 2) When in doubt, pretend you’re Nicole Richie; and 3) Everybody wires the furs, bitch. Wait, I also learned a fourth thing: Whenever music comes on and two or more women are alone in a room together they will engage in an elaborate dance montage. That is just, like, the rules of feminism. Speaking of the rules of feminism, Max helps Caroline break into her old posh pad to pick up her bite guard because friends don’t let friends neglect their dental health. Wait, that’s a fifth thing I learned. This show is like college, you guys.

AFTERELLEN BAIT (What enticement did the episode use to reel in gay lady viewers?)

Beth Behrs sucks on her finger and Kat Dennings takes a bubble bath. And let’s not even get started on that mint-green vagina.

FEELINGS, FEELINGS, FEELINGS! (Did the episode give you a lot of feelings?)

Look, I know it’s really, really ridiculous when two girls bond over a cheesy dance montage on screen. I know that. I know that because I’ve seen it in every chick flick ever since the beginning of time. I know that this is just lazy storytelling meant to elicit automatic emotional investment via the shortcut of popular music. But, dammit, if I don’t end up watching dance montages with a dumb, happy grin regardless.

And, indeed, said dance montage led to Max and Caroline appreciating each other more – or at least Max appreciating that Caroline has given up her sweet-ass former life. Or perhaps her soak in the Jacuzzi tub did that. Either way, I’m just going to sit back with my popcorn and enjoy it because if this show is following the rules of romantic comedy, a dance montage should mean Caroline and Max are that much closer to bickering their way into falling in love. Hey, it has to be true — I saw it once in a movie.

BROKEBACK GIRLS (Did they ride off into the subtext sunset this week?)

Dude, where do we start? Caroline introduces Max to the joys of eating raw fish. Max and Caroline spend the whole time in her apartment in the closet. Max takes a bubble bath in front of Caroline. Caroline tells Max about her coming out party. Max and Caroline dance to the Black Kids “I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance with You.” Max and Caroline Krumping and Tootsie Rolling to the lyrics “You are the girl that I’ve been dreaming of ever since I was a little girl.” Every time I see straight girls dance like this together, I think, “I have to get more straight friends.”

FUNNY BUSINESS (What made us want to tip our hats to our waitresses in hilarity?)

I still get that cringey feeling whenever the show’s ethnic stereotypes pop up. (An Asian who simultaneously loves and is bad at karaoke? How original.) But you’ve got to admire a show that takes such glee at taking down hipster. (“You can’t give hipsters a microphone. That’s like throwing gas on a pretentious fire.”) And, well, jokes about your first time never get old.

Caroline: What a disappointment, your first time.
Max: Well, that’s kind of the way it goes with me and first times.
Caroline: Here, clean yourself off.
Max: That’s exactly the way it goes.

First time with sushi, people, sushi – sheesh, bunch of perverts.

Oh, and I think it was physically impossible not to at least chuckle at them in their Grey Gardens on steroids get ups. I think I found my Halloween costume.

Right, so, female bonding, terrible karaoke and sushigasms, just another day in the life of 2 Broke Girls. And, yes, they still have that horse. Discuss.