Thirteen says goodbye House, hello girlfriend

Just imagine the casting call for last night’s episode of House: “WANTED: Cute 20-something actress to not say a word while lounging on the couch and making out with Olivia Wilde. Bring headshots and body armor to the audition. You’ll need it to beat off an army of lesbians all bludgeoning each other for a chance to win the role.”

Speaking of wanting things, House wants to get the band back together. And by band he means Chase, Taub and Thirteen. Though, now that I think about it, that sounds more like an accounting group than a group of rock-star diagnosticians. The only problem is that he has no money to get the band back together – major funding cuts during his stint in the pokey. So, instead he has one new diagnostician, Dr. Chi Park (Charlyne Yi, rocking the bowl cut hard), and one volunteer diagnostician Dr. Jessica Adams (Odette Annable, rocking a decidedly unbowl cut).

Still, that doesn’t stop him from pestering his previous favorite lady diagnostician, Thirteen. But when the phone calls won’t stop, she shows up at Princeton-Plainsboro in person to tell him to cease and desist. Or does she? House thinks the good doctor protests too much. But that lucky Thirteen, she has good reason to quit:

House: You met a boy – or a girl. Fall in love. Want to be happy. You decided to enjoy what time you had left. You’re going to Thailand.
Thirteen: Girl. And Mykonos.

Insert obligatory Isle of Lesbos joke here. Also can we please take a moment to appreciate Olivia Wilde’s face. Bless her and her ridiculously good-looking face.

The Patient of the Week is Wentworth Miller, who has not broken out of prison but is suffering from such a severe case of altruism. He’s willing to give away his millions in fortune. There is crazy and there is generous, and that’s crazy generous. House takes his case with the not-so-secret ulterior motive of perhaps receiving some of said millions. But then House, Foreman (otherwise known as the new, less hot Cuddy) and his new diagnostics ladies can’t decide if Charity Guy’s charity is a symptom or not.

In the Subplot of the Week, Park and Adams spar about Park’s unwillingness to accept charity – even a simple cup of coffee. So Adams sets out to make her take something, anything, from her – gift cards, shoes, major car repair. Sheesh, I need co-workers like this.

House continues to pester Thirteen, phoning her at the beautiful loft apartment she shares with her loving girlfriend. Look at her legs all draped over her girlfriend on the couch. Domestic tranquility has never been so hot.

I am now going to speculate wildly about Thirteen’s unnamed, unspeaking girlfriend. Because of Thirteen’s own altruistic streak, she has to be in some sort of do-goody profession. And she appears to be reading and/or proofing a paper on the couch. Given her tell-tale red editing pen, I’m going with teacher. She’s a teacher with AmeriCorps and they’re going to spend her winter break soaking in the sun together in Mykonos. Hey, you have your backstory and I’ll have mine.

Charity Guy then takes the night’s altruism metaphor one step further and offers to give away one of his kidneys, and then both of his kidneys. So Thirteen changes the diagnosis to just plain crazy and everyone scrambles to try to figure out what illness makes one pass out, convulse, tremble and give away vital organs at the drop of a hat.

House prods Thirteen on why she is helping. He says she is guilty about leaving humanity. She says she just wants to be happy and go to Greece with her girlfriend, “the woman I love.” The pangs of lesbian jealousy are felt around the world are palpable.

The case is proving more elusive than they all thought and when Thirteen, Park and Adams are all stumped, House says their down vibe is killing his Charlie’s Angels fantasies. Well, they’re not killing mine. Hello, Angels. What I wouldn’t give for this to be House’s new team. Maybe this would finally make up for the show’s disproportionate male-female ratio throughout its eight seasons.

Thirteen continues to wrestle with her guilt at leaving medicine. Is it OK to walk away from saving lives because she just wants to have fun with her girlfriend? Yes, but only if you record it and send me a copy.

Charity Guy continues to be a mystery, until House has a chat with Wilson. And then, some tiny non-related thing Wilson mentions causes the patented House scowls into the distance moment when he plucks the diagnosis out of thin air. I wonder if Hugh Laurie does that face in his sleep now.

Turns out it was a thyroid problem, and once treated Charity Guy is now Uncharitable Guy. He no longer wants to donate millions to the House Diagnostics Team Goodwill Fund. But he does want to be with his wife and kids again. Choosing loved ones over good deeds. I sense a theme here.

With the case solved, Thirteen greets her girlfriend in the lobby for dinner with a big kiss and hug. This is the most lady action we’ve seen Thirteen get since Season 5. So let’s savor it slowly. Save the best for last, indeed.

Yet for all her girlfriend kissy facing, Thirteen seems to have made the opposite decision about loved ones and good deeds. So when House sees the lovebird’s reunion, he makes the decision for her. House fires Thirteen. He says he can work with people with nowhere else to go, people with something to prove and people who get off on weird cases. But he can’t work with “someone who is here so she doesn’t have to feel bad.”

Thirteen looks at him, incredulous, and then a wave of emotion and gratitude wash over her ridiculously perfect face. She tears up, says goodbye to House, and walks off with her girlfriend to have a happy life.

Now, some may argue that this is just another case of drive-by gayness. That Thirteen’s queerness only came to play at the very end, when it was too late. But I think whenever a character gets a happily ever after that involves going off to be with the woman she loves, it’s a good day for LGBT visibility. So thank you, Thirteen. It took us forever to just know your name, let alone your bisexual side. But now that you’re gone we’ll miss you and your cheekbones forever.

So, was that a worthy sendoff for Thirteen? Are you happy she finally got the girl? Oh, just admit it, you’re wildly jealous of her girlfriend.