“Pretty Little Liars” recap 2.13: The VIP Tour to Neverland

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, nothing! This is it! The genesis! The First Secret!

Once upon a time, Alison DiLaurentis was alive. And sometimes, when she wasn’t being a perfect asshat to her peers, she would stop by Hefty Hanna’s house to torture the children Hanna was babysitting by hacking up innocent vegetables right in front of them like some kind of Ian Thomas and telling stories about twin sisters murdering each other because of Barbies. The best part about this particular “horror” “story” is the dad’s face when he walks in to find that one of his twins has literally stabbed the other twin in the heart. The mom kind of faints, but the dad’s face is just like, “… seriously?”

And the homicidal twin’s face is like, “Duh.”

Rosewood, PA. October 2008. There are a couple of things we need to address right away. For starters, Alison DiLaurentis was apparently a game-jammer. All game was lost within a 100-foot radius of her person. The Liars are barely recognizable. They’re all so wide-eyed and timid and uncorrupted. It’s gross. And the second thing we need to address is Spencer’s glasses. Spencer’s glasses. My guess is that some point between then and now, she corrected her vision with the power of her mind — but those glasses! Can’t they come out to play in the present day?!

Alison takes a poll to see which Britney Spears costume Hanna should wear for Halloween. The Liars are all like, “She should be who she wants to be, obviously.” And Alison goes, “That is the exact opposite of my life philosophy.” They’re saved from a squabble by Noel Kahn, who pulls up in his convertible talking about, “Get in, loser, we’re going shopping.” He molests Aria with his eyes, invites Ali’s hangers-on to his Halloween party, and then I’m pretty sure Alison tells him to go f–k a sheep. Ben texts Emily, and since she hasn’t yet learned: a) that she’s a full-on lezzorama, and b) to flinch at the sound of incoming text messages, she grins and says he wants her to go as a sexy cop for Halloween, but she’s going as an Indian girl instead.

The Liars are like, “SQUEE! WE GOT INVITED TO A PARTY!” Now, Alison may be a bitch, but she is so correct when she goes, “You guys are an embarrassment. Stop.”

There’s a house in Rosewood that we’ve never seen, and it is haunted. More than regular, I mean. Also, there is a Radley Sanitarium car from like the ’60s parked out front, which is hilarious on about seven different levels. Emily’s like, “There’s somebody in that house!” And Spencer goes, “People go in that house all the time around Halloween. It’s a rite of passage in this town. Like getting murdered.” The hilarious thing about Spencer’s apathy is that in three years, she’ll spend every waking hour standing outside the DiLaurentis place howling like a werewolf on a full-moon about, “There’s somebody in that house! There’s somebody in that house! There’s somebody in that hoooooouuuuuse!”

Emily spots Toby unloading a moving truck, so she hops over to say hello, because Emily is the sweetest one in 2011 just like she was the sweetest one in 2008. Emily goes, “What’s in the boxes?” And Toby’s like, “Robot parts and snow globes, mostly. A couple of books about incest. It’s my new step-sister’s stuff.”

Over at Party City, Ali is shopping for a Halloween costume when Noel Kahn Apparates onto the scene and tries to murder her. As a joke. She’s like, “Man, that’s my favorite joke. Lily Kane probably loved that one too. Let’s do it some more.” Also shopping for a Halloween costume is Jenna, pre-bot. On Twitter last night, everyone’s reaction to this JennaBot reveal was incredible: “HER EYES! HER EYES! HER … Oh, my God — her eyes.” And you’re right: Tammin Sursok is kind of a goddess. Also, she had a pop career in her homeland of Australia. (No, really. Click on that link. I’ll wait.) (Now, tell me you’re not dying to see a musical episode of Pretty Little Liars.)

Right before she leaves the store, Ali gets a text talking about “I’m watching you!” And then the first giant baby burlap zombie of the night makes its appearance. In her face.