“America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” recap: “Strike a Model Then Strike a Pose”

The models are back and I just remembered all of them were saved in last week’s Michael Jackson challenge. Remember when I said it was a little eerie because one of the models reminded me of my mom when she dressed as Prince and performed on Puttin’ On The Hits back in the ’80s? Well I found a picture, so enjoy.

Anywho, I also forgot that a week hasn’t gone by for the girls, they’re just chilling out backstage and unfortunately, Bianca is still talking about how great she is, Lisa is shaking her head at Bianca, and Angelea is thanking the supreme goddess Latoya Jackson for sparing everyone this week no matter how dull their photos were.

Bianca’s attitude really sucks, but her taste in chips is stellar. Who knew models ate Cheetos? Certainly not me. Somewhere between bites, she tells Lisa that the two of them could never be friends. I’m sure Lisa will be crying all night about that. In her solo interview, Bianca says the tensions are high and one little thing could cause an explosion. Please, please let this be true, otherwise I’m going to be thinking about how I need some Cheetos the rest of the episode.

Laura, our little Southern darling, is all rosy-cheeked and excited to have won for Best Photo while honoring MJ. Alexandria looks at the picture hung on the wall of fame and says, “I have no problem looking at that every day.”

Bre says she loves her girl Bianca and she’s always got her back, but girlfriend has to start fighting her own battles while Bre starts focusing on herself. That’s right Bre, “Imma do me” should be the mantra of everyone in that house.

TYRAMail comes and reads, “If you care about anything, you won’t drop the ball.” Some think it’s kickball, others have no idea. Turns out it’s a “Charity Challenge” on the beach. The guests are starting to get more obscure; this time we’ve got Brittany Gastineau, who Bre describes as “an incredible socialite who everyone should strive to be at some point in their life.” I’ll take a pass on that one.

Then we’ve got Julie Henderson who is a “fiercely real” supermodel. I think that means she’s considered plus-size. She’s hot, I’ll give her that much. She says that she and Kate Dillon started a charity called Curves of Change to help people figure out how they can change the world for the better. Today, she says, they’re dividing people up into two teams and playing some flag football. Angelea and the rest of the girls seem pumped to play but I’m guessing they just can’t wait to have an excuse to throw down.

Since there weren’t going to be enough people per team, they brought back former contestants, Isis, Sheena, Brittany and Camille. The girls are divided up and each has a very skimpy uniform to wear. But for some reason they couldn’t spring for different colored shirts. Everyone is wearing red and the only way to distinguish who is on your team is by the face paint they apply themselves. I guess it also seems to be the white girl team versus any other ethnicity team.

Kayla says she has been playing sports her entire life and, as a lesbian, she needs to win this. Do it for us Boo! Angelea says, “Game on, bitches! I refuse to lose this challenge!” I believe her. But wait, there’s more! Some pro football players are there to play with the girls and Angelea is so excited, her vagina seems to be doing the touchdown dance.

Since this is Top Model, the girls will not only be playing, they’ll also be posing. Whenever one of the guest stars throws a flag, the model whose name is called will have to pose for a photographer located somewhere on the field.

When the game begins, the photo ops seemed to be the furthest thing from anyone’s mind because they’re trying to get their elbows in each other’s ribs and drop them like flies while their butts are hanging out of the tiny swim trunks they’re wearing. I’m shocked Shannon didn’t protest.

Kayla did a great job with her shots and I thought looked super sexy. From what they showed, Laura did a great job, Shannon did a great job and everyone else just kind of went over the top. Actually, I thought Alexandria’s shots were good and she did exactly what they wanted her to do, which was take on a cheerleader persona. But I can’t seem to figure out what the hell the judges want anyway.

Finally, Lisa scores the first touchdown for the Red team. Not to be outdone, the Blue team strikes with back-to-back touchdowns and ends up winning the game.

Mensa president Angelea says, “Because nobody went home in last week’s challenge, I’m pretty sure somebody’s going home this week.” Yeah, I’d say that’s a safe bet and if anything, two models might be going home this week and I wouldn’t shed a tear.

Nigel and the guests decide to crown the “Most Valuable Model” of the game and finally our girl Kayla wins! She gets bragging rights, some jewelry from the Gastineau Collection and gets to be styled by Andre Leon Talley for Tyra‘s  website, TypeF.com. I’m not sure I’d see it as a prize to be styled by someone who looks like he’s dressed for graduation from lamp shade manufacturing school.

She gets all gussied up and talks about how happy she is to be “free” and proud of her sexuality. There’s a lot of high kicks and high-pitched screams in her shoot. Here’s a link to see some video of Kayla from the shoot.

Back at the house, the girls get some TYRAMail and are told to get ready for their next shoot. They’re taken to a studio and Jay Manuel tells them this shoot is all about a good old fashioned bitch fight at a bar. Allison looks frightened and I really can’t blame her considering how ferocious those other girls are and how sweet and fragile she appears to be.

To make the challenge even more difficult but exciting, they’ll be posing in teams of two and also paired with supermodel Coco Rocha, whose name is unfortunate unless she’s going for the whole “cockroach” sound.

Coco not only models, she also teaches aspiring models how to pose. She tells the girls to go crazy and have fun because they’re going to get wild today.

Bianca and Shannon are paired, which should be super easy for them. Is seems to me that this is a super hot gay fantasy of mine. From the pictures it comes across as the girls fighting over Coco, who is dressed in a slick black suit.

Kayla and Allison are also paired, and Jay says it was kind of embarrassing to watch. In the end, Kayla pulled it together and gave good face.

Laura and Angelea are paired and Laura is just psyched while Angelea is giving absolutely nothing. She must’ve caught a case of the period this week. Not good. She ends up crying and leaving the room. Jay follows her and gets her head right. She ends up pulling off a great look.

Alexandria is looking forward in proving how well she can do for this shoot. She and Bre turn it out, and I’m pretty sure I saw her punch Coco’s boob. Coco returns the favor a few times, particularly after Bre freaks her out when she can’t stop screaming in her face.

Lisa and Dominique are paired and look gorgeous. Jay says the three of them are the perfect group to be paired together for this shoot. It makes sense because all three of them have such strong facial features.

That night, Alexandria and Bre are patting themselves on the back in the hot tub while Allison looks on, seemingly paranoid. If she chopped her hair, I can’t help but think she’d make a great Kurt Cobain for Halloween. Of course, as Alexandria talks about how she is meant to be there and is doing so great, all I can think is she must be either going home or in the bottom two.

Kayla and Allison go first and the picture they ended up with turned out unexpectedly great.

Shannon and Bianca go next and I find the picture kind of boring, but the judges really like Bianca’s pose.

Laura and Angelea’s picture was fierce and Coco said the two of them, minus the little bit of crying, were two of her favorites to work with. Tyra tells Laura there’s something about Laura’s pose that doesn’t “feel modelesque” to her. Well Ty Ty, it’s probably because it’s hard to really pose as you’re falling backwards toward the ground.

Sound the sad trombones. Bre and Alexandria’s picture comes next and Alex’s pose is compared to a – wait for it – “Reality show contestant who got to pose with a supermodel.” Hit the nail on the head, Tyra. I mean, that’s what your show is. Basically, they hated it.

Lisa and Dominique both look super fierce at the elimination and their photo was outstanding, even with a Coco crotch-grab. Does anyone else feel like Dominique, Laura and Allison are running away with this competition? It seems like the judges are totally with me on Dominique. Maybe being a new mother has softened her look a bit somehow. I love it.

In the end, Dominique wins for best photo with Lisa coming in second. Bottom two isn’t much of a surprise. We’ve got Bre and Alexandria, who have been slipping lately. In the end, Bre goes home and I was ready to say I don’t agree with their decision but then I saw her photos from this cycle and I guess they were right. Personality-wise, though, I would hang with her in a split second so Bre, when you get back to the Chi, call me.

That’s all for this week. Next time the girls will be developing their own fragrance and Lisa will be in a bathtub for some reason.