“America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” recap: Lip synch for your life

Don’t mind me I’m just sitting here watching Top Model and eating my leftover pumpkin seeds. Can you believe another week has gone by? It seems like only yesterday that Bianca was being a bitch, Shannon was boring us to tears and we were deprived of any new Tyra-isms.

Angelea starts the show and says most people were upset to see Kayla go but everyone is pumped Bianca sashayed away.

Lisa runs through the mansion doors loudly announcing her winning picture for — I don’t know — the DVR to hear.

In what I am now dubbing the True Blood room, Laura (Jason Stackhouse) and Allison (Vampire Jess, obviously), are conversating. Laura tells Allison she’s really proud of how far she’s come, particularly that she is now being asked to speak at venues. Allison either speaks back to Laura and tells her what a great person she is, or she’s sharing these sentiments with her pillow. She’s sweet though and tells us she’s working on being more extroverted and gaining some charisma.

TYRAmail comes and forget every bad thing I’ve ever said about this cycle. The producers must know the way to my heart is with an adorable Asian baby. Madison is no ordinary cute Asian baby either; this girl gives makeup tutorials over YouTube and I’ve been a big fan of hers ever since my friend Mina sent me this fantastic makeup brush tutorial. She “really loves” a lot of things but I totally trust her.

Suddenly the models’ wombs are aching, which is probably a nice distraction from the fact that they’re basically being schooled on makeup tips and going viral with your brand by a six-year-old.

Jay Manuel greets the ladies and tells them their next challenge will be to write their own song and shoot their own music video for it. Here’s where I need to step in and try to stop this misconception once and for all. Attention Reality Stars/Shows/Producers: There is absolutely NO NEED for every person on television to have a song out these days. Stop. This. Mess. I’m only kidding about that last one, Tyra’s song is kind of a jam and Yoanna from that cycle is too hot! Also, seriously, if you say you’re going to “make a viral video,” you don’t understand what it is.

Jay gets my first reality bitchslap of the night when he says, “Think about how ‘going viral’ worked for Rebecca Black and Justin Bieber.” Again, Justin became who he is because lesbians are all the rage these days. Also, he has talent and my friend Dana was in charge of most of his publicity at the beginning stages of his career (true story) so I’m pretty sure he owes a lot to her and maybe his hair stylist. Rebecca Black became popular because she is the girl we all can’t stand and therefore obsess about. For those of us with an overwhelming hatred towards Lea Michele, Black is someone whose appearance is similar enough to pour our anger into because her celebrity is even less-justified.

Lisa is pumped about this challenge because I guess she’s doing music now. Poor Vampire Jess is being drained of all of her powers because she’s stressing about trying to come up with a song and then ultimately singing it.