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“America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” recap: Lip synch for your life

Don’t mind me I’m just sitting here watching Top Model and eating my leftover pumpkin seeds. Can you believe another week has gone by? It seems like only yesterday that Bianca was being a bitch, Shannon was boring us to tears and we were deprived of any new Tyra-isms.

Angelea starts the show and says most people were upset to see Kayla go but everyone is pumped Bianca sashayed away.

Lisa runs through the mansion doors loudly announcing her winning picture for – I don’t know – the DVR to hear.

In what I am now dubbing the True Blood room, Laura (Jason Stackhouse) and Allison (Vampire Jess, obviously), are conversating. Laura tells Allison she’s really proud of how far she’s come, particularly that she is now being asked to speak at venues. Allison either speaks back to Laura and tells her what a great person she is, or she’s sharing these sentiments with her pillow. She’s sweet though and tells us she’s working on being more extroverted and gaining some charisma.

TYRAmail comes and forget every bad thing I’ve ever said about this cycle. The producers must know the way to my heart is with an adorable Asian baby. Madison is no ordinary cute Asian baby either; this girl gives makeup tutorials over YouTube and I’ve been a big fan of hers ever since my friend Mina sent me this fantastic makeup brush tutorial. She “really loves” a lot of things but I totally trust her.

Suddenly the models’ wombs are aching, which is probably a nice distraction from the fact that they’re basically being schooled on makeup tips and going viral with your brand by a six-year-old.

Jay Manuel greets the ladies and tells them their next challenge will be to write their own song and shoot their own music video for it. Here’s where I need to step in and try to stop this misconception once and for all. Attention Reality Stars/Shows/Producers: There is absolutely NO NEED for every person on television to have a song out these days. Stop. This. Mess. I’m only kidding about that last one, Tyra’s song is kind of a jam and Yoanna from that cycle is too hot! Also, seriously, if you say you’re going to “make a viral video,” you don’t understand what it is.

Jay gets my first reality bitchslap of the night when he says, “Think about how ‘going viral’ worked for Rebecca Black and Justin Bieber.” Again, Justin became who he is because lesbians are all the rage these days. Also, he has talent and my friend Dana was in charge of most of his publicity at the beginning stages of his career (true story) so I’m pretty sure he owes a lot to her and maybe his hair stylist. Rebecca Black became popular because she is the girl we all can’t stand and therefore obsess about. For those of us with an overwhelming hatred towards Lea Michele, Black is someone whose appearance is similar enough to pour our anger into because her celebrity is even less-justified.

Lisa is pumped about this challenge because I guess she’s doing music now. Poor Vampire Jess is being drained of all of her powers because she’s stressing about trying to come up with a song and then ultimately singing it.

Jay tells the girls that they’ll have 20 minutes to hear the tracks to their songs and then they’ll need to put words to them. I don’t understand the purpose of any of this. Someone please bring Madison back!

Whoever wins this challenge gets to fly a special loved one in from home so Shannon is dying to get a piece of her man meat there. She even decides to write her song about him.

Lisa says she’s been writing songs for years so she’s got this one on lock and the music dude seems to agree. Laura is doing well and has somehow managed to only get cuter throughout the competition. When it’s Alexandria‘s turn, she gets constructive criticism from Crouching Music Producer Hidden Gay Man.

When it comes around to Allison’s turn, she quickly hands over her written words and says to the producer, “Tell me if this blows.” He says it’s obviously very personal to her and we find out she’s written about her dad who passed away last year. Now I just want to throw my arms around her and cry.

The challenge for song writing was between Lisa and Angelea. In the end, Lisa won it all again and will be flying in her fiance. I can’t wait to see this guy. Actually I’m betting he’s probably pretty cute and would have to be more tame so as to be able to fit both of their personalities into one household.

When the ladies make their way to the studio, they’re told that Tyra came up with a “great idea” for the girls to somehow incorporate the phrase, “Pot Ledom” into their songs. That’s “Top Model” backwards and I think it’s also “Allison wondering how she can go backwards out of the show.”

Bitchslap number two goes to the music guy who tells the girls to “Remember, we’re making a viral video and it’s all about fun.” No, no no! Viral videos aren’t “made” they just “happen”. Also, way to totally fail in giving Allison any advice or constructive criticism about her song. She might be fascinated with blood but that doesn’t mean her very personal song about her dad’s death would ever be considered “fun.” She is understandably feeling very defeated.

Lisa, on the other hand, is feeling very confident and doesn’t want the girls to try to steal her swag so she decides to go last. I wasn’t aware that she could pick the order in which they went, but OK.

Allison ended up pulling it together but I’m telling you if the judges try to berate her at the table for being emotional or tell her she can’t let her emotions get in the way of her viral video career, I won’t be able to do these recaps any longer because I will have kicked a hole through my television set and then thrown it off of my balcony onto the train tracks below.

Thanks to an inflated ego and a pair of sunglasses, Alexandria totally thinks she’s meant to be a recording artist after this challenge. Lisa goes next and does as well as she expected.

Later on, Lisa’s fiance shows up and I called it. He’s quiet and cute and they seem to make a really great couple. I mean, he’s not in it for the money, we know that much!

The next day the models arrive at the video shoot set and Jay tells them he listened to all of their songs and they’re all great – but music videos are all about selling the look. I would have to absolutely agree with him when it comes to people who are not vocally talented.

As the girls get ready in hair and makeup, Jay walks in with a special guest star. Thankfully I don’t even have to look up who the hell he is because Angelea starts hyperventilating and walking around as though the cherry on the end of her cigarette fell into her lap and she just realized her crotch has been on fire for the last three minutes. She excitedly shouts, “The Game!” “It’s The Game, oh my God!” So, The Game is the special guest of the day and he’ll be directing the girls in their music videos.

Dominique can’t stop falling backwards on the camera tracks and Alexandria’s dreams of being a recording artist seem to be getting the kabosh from The Dream himself. That can’t be good.

After the commercial break, Tyra appears in her very best raving attire and tells them she’s going to be their special featured Pot Ledom backup dancer. If that wasn’t bad enough, YouTube lip synching (I’m being generous) sensation (again with the generosity) Keenan Cahill will also be making the models’ videos as ridiculous as possible.

Lisa goes up and hits it out of the park as predicted. Cutie pie Laura did a great Katy Perry impersonation and absolutely proved that sometimes video not only killed the radio star, but most singers in general. That being said, I’d totally watch her video because she’s adorbs. I actually thought it was pretty cute that Alexandria started singing it and talking about how much she likes Laura’s song.

Angelea goes up and while her song was one of the best, her video shoot went terribly. Jay Manuel said it wasn’t just her body movements that were uncomfortable but she was completely dead in the eyes, too.

The Game took some time to speak with Allison about the story behind her song. When she tells him, he relates and says his Grandmother passed away right after he finished high school and she was the only one who seemed to believe in him. She relaxed a bit and her video was kind of disturbingly good.

I’m wondering if Tyra can do me a favor and send three people home this week: a model and Sparah the fake celebrity couple who serve no purpose.

The following day at panel, Tyra seems to want to booty tooch all up on that Game piece.

Dominique’s video turned out pretty well even if she looked kind of like a fantastic Sheryl Crow drag queen.

Laura’s video was up next and unsurprisingly, Nigel loved it. Is anyone else a little concerned by the cutesy, girlishness combined with sexiness they’re doing with Laura all the time?

Angelea’s turn comes and you can tell how badly it’s about to go down by how fake Tyra’s “Hello” was. It was pretty bad overall.

Damn it I kind of hate myself for this but Alexandria’s song is actually one of my favorites. She’s got a little super electro-poppy Zooey D. voice going on.

Shannon does her best boring Faith Hill impersonation but at least her face looked pretty. Lisa’s video was good and she had a lot of energy, but there was nothing all that new or a real wow factor to me. The Game loved it and Tyra thought it was good enough to be on the radio.

They obviously saved the best for last: Allison’s video played and was unlike anything they’ve seen before. Nigel basically was in tears. The Game might be my favorite guest judge of all time because he is as real as it comes. He told Lisa to “Get out of here and go be Lady Gaga or somethin,” and then told Allison how weird she is. But he said it works so well for her.

Tyra said there’s something about it that penetrates her soul. I’ll let you insert your own penetration joke here. Meanwhile, The Game totally loves Allison and wants her to be his Boo and I’m pretty sure Tyra is getting a little jealous.

The winner of the night’s challenge is Allison followed by Lisa. No shocker there. The bottom two are Angelea and Alexandria. Shannon somehow managed to make it through yet again!

Angelea ends up staying in the competition and Alexandria is sent packing. I think if anything she should consider herself a winner in that I’m pretty sure she changed her former haters’ perception of her. There you have it folks, the silver lining. What did you all think? And what is the all-time worst reality star song you can think of?

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