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“America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” recap: Write a blog about it

Welcome back from Thanksgiving break my darlings! The ladies are still in Greece and it looks like this week’s episode is going to be filled with a lot of creepiness, yelling, crying and, as per usual, ridiculousness.

Tyra is going to have the girls be part of a “fashion film” based on her book, Modelland, which Lisa says is going to be “epic.” I’m at the point right now when if one of the models says they’re going to be a part of something “epic,” I prepare myself for the worst.

Speaking of the worst, Angelea

reminds us that she’s still there while Dominique was sent packing after the previous challenge. She admits that she was surprised Dominique was the one sent home but that she was a hater. We’re then treated to a montage of Angelea’s emotional breakdown.

As if she were watching the same recap clip, Lisa chimes in and says she’s pretty sure Angelea’s going to be having many more emotional outbursts to come.

The girls come back home and we see Laura’s winning picture up on the screen for everyone to admire. I’m getting a little bit concerned about how much camera time they’re giving to my favorite country bumpkin because I feel like that probably means she’s going to be sent home. Just when Tyra builds you up, she knocks your ass right back down to the ground.

The final four ladies meet Nigel

at some kind of accessories store and he tells the models that, since part of their prize package is to have a blog for Italian Vogue, they’ll be meeting their possible future boss during this challenge. I’m sorry, but having a blog is kind of a crappy prize. It’s work! In fact, I think as punishment for being sent home, each contestant should be forced to recap the next episode.

The challenge for the girls is to blog about their time in Greece. Angelea is a freaking genius because she thinks the Italian Vogue editor “might have a say” in who wins this competition. I’m actually going to hold back a lot of my comments about this show and its prizes because it’s all making me irrationally angry.

They are told to pick out an outfit, they’ll get a guide and driver who will take them around Greece to stop and take pictures and find a spot that inspires them. Then they’re supposed to get back to the hotel and write their style blog, but it all has to be done in three hours. The winner gets to come back for seven days with their boo or whoever they want to take on vacation with them.

Allison tells her guide to take her to an abandoned building; Lisa wants to go where her cab driver would take his girlfriend to make love. (The joke is on her – she’s already sitting in it.) Angelea asks to go to the “ghetto” and Laura is the last to leave because she focuses on the outfit she’s going to wear. In my mind, that makes sense for a “style” blog. She also says she likes to keep up her photo blog at home but since she’s dyslexic, she’s not all that in to writing.

It turns out Allison and Laura wind up at the same spot. Laura is nervous because she knows Allison can write her butt off. Allison is the last to get back to the house so she’s nervous about having enough time to write her post. Everyone is nervous and if Angelea says. “Vogue dot ‘I’ ‘T'” one more time I am going to lose it.

TYRAmail comes and there is shrieking. The ladies meet Jay Manuel at the location of one of Greece’s most popular television series and they’re going to be directed in a “motion editorial” by Tyra, (aka a video). Ty Ty explains that the piece will be based on her New York Times best-selling novel, Modelland, which is about a modeling school at the top of a big mountain and the main character, “Tookie,” is based on herself – because what the hell else would Tyra focus on but herself?

Everything will be shot out of order over the next two days “just like a real movie.” The actual finished product will be shown over the next two weeks of judging and the final week will reveal the winner of the All-Star cycle.

So, what I’m getting from this video they’re putting together is that the girls are basically trying to climb over each other to get into Modelland and will stop at nothing to be deemed the chosen one. But they are all crazy and their families are crazy and something with a doll and Lisa’s face being nutso but finding the light. OK, Tyra, you won this round, I’m kind of intrigued by what the hell this book is about.

Apparently, Tookie is obsessed with whipped cream so Laura is charged with the task of squirting it directly into her mouth and not be sexy but also not look comical.  You have got to be kidding me. Lisa gets to pose in a doorway with crazy eyes and a baby while Laura squirts white cream into her mouth. I don’t understand this at all.

Allison’s sensitive eyes are causing problems once again because she’s being asked to stare directly into the sun. On the plus side, she’s excited about being asked to portray a cat, as is to be expected, and keeps it real by saying, “I feel like I can definitely relate to some of the bizarre concepts that are going to be taking place in this editorial video.” Bizarre indeed, my friend.

Tyra gave Angelea the role of someone struggling with feeling discarded. Wow, that’s quite a stretch. Where’s the whipped cream for her?

Now I’m really pissed off because everyone but Laura got something that can be high fashion and not look ridiculous. Putting dirt on your face and being asked to throw garbage around while looking crazy is not high fashion. I don’t care if Heidi freaking Klum or Linda Evangelista were given that same can of whipped cream and told to squirt it in their mouths, there is no way it could come across as any less ridiculous. I know I’m being set up for disappointment, I’m calling it now.

They call a wrap and Tyra babies Angelea in ways no director, photographer or editor would ever do. Yes, she did well. No, she did not try harder than anyone else on the shoot nor has she ever.

Later, at the Vogue Italia headquarters, Nigel phones in to magazine editor Franca Sozzani and asks if she’s been able to read any of the blog pieces yet. She says yes and that Allison’s blog was too short, like a quote. Nigel says he thinks it’s “a little highfalutin'” because she mentions Persephones’ demise and “being inspired.” I’m not sure why her being inspired is highfalutin’, but we’re not winning any Emmys over here so I will stop being concerned.

Laura’s blog fared a little bit better and while Franca said her photo was sexy, Nigel seemed to want to use that against her as if it were a bad thing.

Lisa’s blog concept was a good one, where she focused on the culture and it being different from California – but she didn’t compare the two enough for them.

They liked Angelea’s blog a lot. Nigel liked that she used the word “fashion” and I think I just pulled an eye muscle from rolling them too hard. He also liked that she pointed out the “graffiti stricken walls.” Oh yeah, I’m really sure the people of Crete’s travel and tourism board will be psyched that she’s concentrating on the less nice part of town. Very fashionable.

When all is said and done, Franca probably wanted to rip up whatever contract she signed. Angelea was the winner and she tells the girls to, “Hate on bitches.” Save that good stuff for Vogue.it, girl!

The following day, the girls find out they’re going to be getting a co-star, but not just any co-star, they’re getting male supermodel Tyson Beckford. I can’t lie, I am as gay as they come, but I would hit that like he owed me money. The man is fine!

Your future host of Extra, Angelea, can’t keep her excitement contained and later asks if she can have a hug. Very professional.

Tyra shoots her own scenes with Tyson and is an even bigger creeper than Angelea. She sucks his thumb as part of their scene because her character, Tookie, doesn’t know how to kiss yet. Tookie and her love interest should sign up to be on TLC’s The Virgin Diaries.

The next day at panel, they sit through the almost-finished product and it ended up looking like the most screwed up CK One ad meets Requiem For A Dream. I think it’s fair to say I hate everyone on the judge’s panel at this point. In the end, only three models can stay in the running. In the end, Lisa won for best performance in the video.

Runner-up was Angelea. Yuck.

The model going home this week is one of my favorites no matter who is picked.

I knew it. My darling Laura is going home. I wish she would flip out and be like, “Tyra, how you gonna play me like that? You made me squirt whipped cream into my mouth and then told me it was too sexy. Bish you crazy!” I have high hopes for her though and she will always be the winner in my heart. Three models are left and at this point I have to say my money is on Lisa to take it all. She seems like the most marketable model for everything they’re looking for in an All-Star. What say you my friends? We only have one week left!

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