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“Work Out” Recaps: Episode 204

Get a room – We ended last week’s episode on a classy note. Jackie and Rebecca were sucking face by the bathrooms in a sushi restaurant. Perhaps I’m being too harsh. You don’t pick the location of The First Kiss – it picks you. Maybe yours was in your car. Maybe it was in the dark and booming milieu of a dance club. Maybe it was in your gynecologist’s office. Maybe it was with your gynecologist. Hey, I’m not judging.

When we rejoin the drama this week, Jackie and Rebecca are still over there, nose-diving into each other’s faces. Back at the table, the other trainers are having kittens over the emergence of Jabecca. Jesse has no sense of any moral outrage; he’s just pissy he found out when everyone else did.

Jesse: Don’t make me feel like an idiot or I’m out of place.

Gregg: Is that what you think it is, though?

Jesse: No! No, they’re friends or whatever. I don’t think they’re having sex; I really don’t.

Erika: I just think Jesse wishes he would’ve known. They’re best friends.

Jesse: No, no. It’s not that I would have known. It’s that she makes me feel like I’m being out, like, of place by saying something, when she’s my really good friend.

Jesse is so distraught about being left out of Jackie’s loop, he decides he needs to go home and lie down. As he’s leaving, Jabecca returns to the table with two sets of smudged lips. Rebecca’s pouty, shimmery mouth made Jackie dizzy, so she’s all, “What? You’re leaving?” when Jesse puts his jacket on. After he’s gone, Jackie and Rebecca casually pull out their respective lip glosses for some synchronized reapplication. They both agree dismissively that Jesse’s being way too sensitive and, quite frankly, a beeyotch.

Peeler – and I can’t believe he’s being the sensitive one – speculates that Jesse might be upset because he doesn’t feel like Jackie’s best girlfriend anymore. Zen, the girl with a glass half-full, offers that Jesse just wants what’s best for Jackie, uh, doesn’t he? Jackie knows better. Peeler tries to wrap his shaved head around the new love dynamic unfolding before his very eyes.

You should have called first – Right on cue, in strolls Tiffany. Tiffany leans over and gives Jackie a kiss on the lips. Rebecca smiles brightly with clenched teeth and smoke coming out of her ears. Her eyes beam laser death-rays at Tiffany’s head. Zen and Erika whisper in each other’s ears and titter like chipmunks. The boys are sort of speechless. Brian holds his hands up to his face with his palms together. He’s begun a silent prayer either for this night to end or for a girl threesome.

Jackie: I had mentioned to Tiffany that we were all going to see Zen’s show and have dinner afterwards, but she didn’t confirm with me, so I wasn’t sure she was coming. And it’s very strange and delicate juggling dates like this.

Strange and delicate. Like Bjork, only not quite as enchanting.

It’s so awkward when your date shows up and you’ve just finished dry-humping another woman. Jackie decides she needs to shift her attention to Tiffany so she won’t feel uncomfortable and left out. Of course, this just makes Rebecca feel uncomfortable and left out. Jackie gingerly feeds Tiffany a bit of sashimi with her chopsticks while Rebecca looks on with thinly veiled disgust.

Being equally casual and friendly to everyone at the table would be too obvious, huh?

Sensing the end of her coming-out party – and having lost Jackie’s full attention – Rebecca announces that she, too, is leaving. Erika, all empathetic and stuffed from her two pieces of tuna roll, decides to go with her. As Jackie hugs Rebecca goodbye, she whispers in her ear, “Give me a call in the morning, all right?” Yeah, but let it ring once and hang up, because she might not be alone. Heh.

Rebecca has started an exodus from the restaurant. No one wants to sit with Jackie and Tiffany. If I were Tiffany, I’d be developing a complex. Zen, Andre and Gregg rise to bid Jackie and Tiffany adieu, leaving Jackie with the check.

But it’s not quite over yet! Out of left field, Andre takes Tiffany’s hand, kisses it and tells her, “I look forward to hanging out with you more.” He tells her he’ll be at the gym, over by the boxing bag, with his shirt off. It’s amazing that women don’t chase him down the street begging to have his baby.

As they walk off, Andre, Zen and Gregg process the evening’s events.

Andre: It’s strange seeing …

Zen: [helpfully] Rebecca.

Andre: … Rebecca and Jackie, like, fondling each other.

Define “strange.”

Zen: So that was a shock to you completely, right?

Andre: And then to see this prostitute off the street …

Gregg: Aw, c’mon. Tiffany’s nice.

Great. I’ve been ambivalent about Andre because he has no personality to speak of. Well, it turns out he does have something inside – and it’s all curdled and smells like doody.

Straight guys like Andre are the worst. They’re all for lesbians, as long as they can insinuate themselves into the situation or marginalize us as sexual ephemera or ugly hippies. Anything more real and they get totally hostile and weird.

Andre: I thought it was just bulls—. Tiffany and Rebecca – being that they’re so-called, like, heterosexual – maybe in my eyes, they’re supposed to be, like, ya know, untouchable to Jackie. But we all know that no one is outside of Jackie’s range.

Ah yes, the predatory lesbian. Why is this stereotype considered negative? Frankly, I have no problem with this stereotype. Any sister who can get any chick she wants is my freaking idol.

Jackie and Tiffany are left sitting alone at the big empty table, talking about what idiots men are. Jackie says Andre’s just jealous because he tried to get on Tiffany and didn’t get anywhere. End of story. They move on to the juicier (heh) topic of Rebecca. Tiffany knows she has some competition, but says Rebecca’s a big girl. Jackie’s feeling that old showstopper: guilt.

Tiffany has several things going for her. She previously dated Jackie for five months. She’s grown and become comfortable with her gayness. She doesn’t work at Sky Sport. She’s better in bed now than when she and Jackie first dated.

Jackie: You’re a little more out there these days.

Tiffany: You can say that.

Jackie: It’s much better. Like before, I was always the sexual aggressor and always the one that …

Tiffany: But that was different. You needed somebody who was sweet, sweet …

Jackie: And now, what do you do?

Tiffany: I’m myself.

Jackie: [leadingly] Which is … ?

Tiffany: A little more masculine.

Jackie: [smugly] A little more masculine. [smirking] And I gotta tell you, I’m loving it.

Jackie makes me feel a little dirty.

Don’t mind the camera crew or anything — Jackie and Tiffany retire to Jackie’s house. They sit on the couch sipping drinks and making cow eyes at each other. Tiffany fondles Jackie’s necklace and tells her to make a wish; the clasp has migrated around to the front of her neck. Does anyone else remember doing this beyond seventh grade?

Jackie silently wishes for the “wish that I always make,” which is coy code for sex with straight and formerly straight hotties. They kiss with growing desire. They share a toast and then some more saliva. Jackie has her hand on Tiffany’s leg as they French each other. Jackie says softly, “I think we should go to the bed.” I feel like I’m going to be writing porn any second.

Thankfully, we cut away to an exterior of the night sky. It’s a full moon.

The doctor is in — Jackie goes for her weekly therapy session with Dr. Shirley. Dr. Shirley looks an awful lot like Tiffany. And they both bear a vague resemblance to Mimi. All three women have pleasantly bland faces, SPF 4 tans and straight, brownish hair. What is it about them that’s so uniform? I can’t put my finger on it. It’s just as well, cuz Jackie’s finger has probably already been there.

Jackie reports that she’s dumped the negativity and chaos (called Mimi) that’s been plaguing her life and discovered the joys of “friends with benefits.” Dr. Shirley asks if Jackie’s finding a new type of person attractive now — one she might not have found attractive last year? Well, she’s gone from psycho girls to straight girls. Is that a lateral move?

Jackie informs Dr. Shirley that she’s dating two women simultaneously. She doesn’t explain she means it literally, as in, at the exact same time.

Jackie: I’m dating two people right now. One is somebody that I dated before.

She conveniently neglects to add, “And the other is someone who works for me!”

Jackie: I’m finding that best friends with benefits is really the way to go.

Dr. Shirley: It’s a great thing to have …

Jackie: It is!

Dr. Shirley: As long as both parties know that from the beginning and are in agreement with it.

Jackie: Well, I found that in two people. I don’t want to play games with them. And so, for the first time in my life, I’m being very direct.

If you’re going to lie to your therapist, you’re just wasting your money. Honestly, Jackie.

Jackie ‘fesses up about Rebecca. She adds the other trainers are all jealous now, because, obviously, they each live to be her pet. Dear God, what an ego. Jackie thinks the other trainers’ jealousies are her biggest problem. I’ve had affairs with women I worked with. That’s not her biggest problem.

The boys — The next day, the boys are sitting around out on Sky Sport’s deck, talking about what they can do to reduce global warming. Ha. No. They’re talking about what else? Jabecca.

Jesse thinks Jackie’s delusional if she thinks she can have a fling with Rebecca and not have it be the talk of the gym. Gregg believes there are rules for this sort of thing. He’s not sure what they are, but he’s pretty sure they involve not inviting a date on your date.

Andre laughs the bitter laugh of a man with no chance in hell of getting in Tiffany’s pants. For a loud-mouthed jack ass, Peeler is uncharacteristically quiet. I’m starting to wonder if he’s a closeted PFLAG member.

Jesse marches into Jackie’s office and reprimands her because “you can’t go out and make out with somebody in a public bathroom anymore, Jackie. It’s just weird.” Jackie refuses to give up her inappropriate public displays of horniness, because she’s feels she’s entitled to make out anywhere she damn pleases — and if it’s eight feet from a tampon dispenser, so be it.

Jackie’s not mad at Jesse, per se. She’s just not loving the crappy attitude she’s getting from the others.

Jackie: I didn’t like the reaction from the men — not you so much.

Jesse: You never like the reaction from the men.

Jackie: No, I don’t. I think that it came from a place of, like, hostility, especially Andre.

Meanwhile, Andre, the walking cliché, tells Brian he thinks two women together is “gross,” but only if he’s not in the middle of the girl sandwich. If he can’t play, there will be no gay.

Back in Jackie’s office …

Jackie: I’m in a place right now in my life that I just want to have fun. I just want to enjoy myself. I don’t want to date one person.

Jesse: But lesbians can’t just casually date.

Jackie: Yes, we can. Yes. We can.

Jesse: [laughing] You’re going to be the first.

Yes, we can date casually. For a few weeks. After that, we’re shopping for curtains and growing our leg hair.

Brian promoted himself to Director of Human Resources. He reminds everyone it’s unethical for an employer to be dating an employee. And further, Zen and Gregg dating each other is also wrong, although he’s willing to look the other way for them because they don’t make him feel all confused inside.

Jackie assures Jesse that she hasn’t slept with Rebecca. Yet. Give her time — they had their first kiss 12 hours ago. Check back after lunch, please.

Andre can’t be bothered to hide his rancor and calls Jackie a pimp. Would that make Rebecca her ho? Andre’s just a john with a Mr. Happy and no money.

Jackie knows a thing or two. She knows the fish in her pond are always going to be hotter fish than the fish in Andre’s pond. I wish I knew what she was talking about.

She knows Andre’s wigged out for the most pedestrian reason: He’s a straight guy who can’t handle a lesbian being in control. Now she’s talking. If Jackie were “Jack,” a male gym owner having a fling with a female trainer, Andre would be high-fiving the guy and asking for details about her rack.

Get back to work — Somehow, the staff finds time to actually train clients in between gossip sessions. Brian’s client, Floyd, does a bunch of exercises because his wife told him to. If I recall, Floyd is an actor. He must get cast as a homeless man a lot. He’s a mess. He desperately needs a shave and a haircut. And possibly some dental veneers.

Doug resumes training his ex, Cheo, to prepare him for a kidney transplant. Cheo has a bandage on his neck where they removed his thyroid. He also has a bandage on his heart, where Doug left a different kind of hole. Cheo wants his Dougie back. They stretch each other’s hamstrings. Is this gay male bodybuilder foreplay?

They talk about Doug’s upcoming 44th birthday party. Cheo tells us that both of Doug’s parents died before they were 43. Jeez. So, every holiday and birthday has special significance for both of them. It’s too ominous to think about right now, so let’s move on.

Rebecca finally shows up for work and makes a beeline for Drama Central: Jackie’s office. She casually asks how the rest of Jackie’s night with “big Tiff” went?

Rebecca: You wouldn’t tell me anyway. Do you tell me? I feel like you omit details.

Jackie: I omit details; I don’t tell you everything. I tell you the basics.

Rebecca: You don’t tell me the good … the juice.

Jackie: No, I don’t tell you the juice.

Rebecca: The juice is where it’s at.

Jackie: Do you want to hear the juice?

Rebecca: I like the juice.

Jackie: Do you now? Well … that’s exactly what happened.

Jackie is a pro. Even when she’s confessing about sleeping with another woman, she makes it flirty. Rebecca’s smiling and swears she’s not jealous about “oh, you want her over me,” but that is not humanly possible in women. Not. Humanly. Possible.

WTF — Jackie wants the gym to “mind your own business.” Rebecca jokes, “MYOB,” and Jackie orders her to “stop shortening everything.” Yeah, ‘Becca, SSE. Rebecca thinks it’s a little early for her to be getting on Jackie’s nerves. I’m guessing it takes her boyfriends a good month before they’re rolling their eyes at her. Jackie says she was just kidding. Just then, Big Tiff texts Jackie.

Jackie: It’s Tiffany.

Rebecca’s smiley mask falls to the floor.

Rebecca: Does she write “xoxo”?

Jackie: Yes, she does.

Rebecca: Just like “lyl?”

Jackie: [laughs] I don’t even know what that is.

Rebecca: Love ya lots.

Jackie: No, she doesn’t.

Rebecca says she’s annoyed by Tiffany because she wants all the Jabecca time she can get. But she’s not jealous or anything, nope.

Rebecca asks Jackie to “hang out” on Thursday. I’m sure Rebecca sees it as nothing more than wanting to be with Jackie, but in the real world, where the rest of us live, that’s called asking a girl out on a date. Rebecca is a big lez.

Jesse’s Skylab clients, the C.L.’s (Chubby Lesbians), Dina and Amy, are in for their session. Jesse asks Rebecca if she could please not casually date either of them while they’re there, har har. Rebecca says she only has her eye on one lesbian.

That’s how it starts. At first you’re a little crushy on one particular lesbian, and before you know it, you’re downloading Michelle Rodriguez wallpaper, adding Gia to your Netflix queue and comparison shopping for harnesses.

Dina and Amy have been a couple for four years. They want to get sexy and slim for each other. I still think that’s great, and Jesse applauds them too. He wants to help them get hot. He truly is the “Lesbian Whisperer.”

Doug’s birthday party — It’s Doug’s 44th birthday, and he’s having a party. It sounded like Brian said the party was at “his place,” but that cannot be Doug’s place. Man, I had no idea trainers made bank. Either this is a condo complex clubhouse, or Doug is loaded. There’s a huge swimming pool complete with a waterfall and a grotto, a large outdoor patio and a spacious living room styled in Contemporary Gay Man.

Many of Doug’s clients are there, because everybody loves their Dougie. His new Skylab client, Laurie, the low-confidence ass-chest girl, arrives wearing a sparkly, plunging V-neck dress. I can’t imagine what she’s going to wear when she loses the weight and comes out of her shell. Nothing, probably. She’ll just walk around nude.

Tonight, Miss Rebecca is dressed very respectably in a simple, chocolate-brown cocktail dress with no slits up the thighs, no open back, no open front, no open anything. I know a little about women. She’s dressing for Jackie, and this is her “I’m more than a bootie call” look.

But she’s still our Rebecca of Horny Brook Farm — she’s not wearing any panties, natch. I like her style. Jackie digs it too. She calls it “understated sexy.” Jackie takes credit for Rebecca’s new polished look. Jackie’s ego is being studied from space by North Korean satellites.

It’s also Erika’s birthday. She shows up late to her own party. Doesn’t Erika sometimes seem like she’s on something? She doesn’t say much, and her eyelids are at half-mast. She looks like Angelina Jolie after 10 bong hits.

Doug and Erika blow out their birthday candles together and feed each other cake. How can these two be single?

Cheo’s appointment — Doug is with Cheo at his dialysis appointment. Cheo wants the nurse to take Doug’s temperature too, because he’s warm. Cheo grunts and moans each time the nurse sticks him with a new needle. Doug says between having a cold and watching Cheo’s blood go in and out of tubes, he’s ready to fall off his chair. It’s hard to see through his rugged, ripped exterior, but Doug doesn’t look so good.

Working out — Meaghan, the reporter from Star magazine, is trying to work down her weight so she can squeeze into a designer dress for the Oscars, which is being made just for her by Nick Verreos from Project Runway 2. Yeah, I have no idea. I had to look that up for you.

Erika explains her training methods and something called “peripheral heart action” or “peristalsis meat reaction” or “Episcopal heat connection” or some such crap. Sometimes, when Erika talks, I just gaze dreamy-eyed at her long hair.

Erika has Meaghan on a machine to work her quadriceps. She’s working her with free weights. She’s on the dreadmill.

Meaghan is not a dainty gym client. The entire time, she’s panting and moaning very loudly and sort of suggestively. This is not a girl who has quiet sex. I think we had the room next to her at Dinah Shore.

Erika gives Meaghan a video camera so she can record her moments of weakness. God, I hope she doesn’t tape anything else on that thing.

Where’s Doug? — Jackie says that right after the birthday party, Doug dropped out of sight. No one has heard from him in a week. Jackie and the staff are very concerned. He hasn’t returned any phone messages, and Brian wants to ride his bike up to his house.

After parking her car, Jackie’s cell phone rings. It’s Cheo. She stands in the parking garage at the gym, listening. Jackie goes up in the elevator.

Jackie: I felt numb. Because when I deal with extreme emotional issues, I tend to walk away. But I couldn’t walk away, because I had to stay strong for my trainers and talk to them about what was going on with Doug.

The staff is waiting for Jackie out on the deck. She makes an announcement.

Jackie: I just got some very sad news about Doug, and I need to share it with you. As you’ve noticed, Doug has been MIA lately. And it’s because he’s in the hospital, and he’s in very, very serious condition. Apparently, right around his birthday, he got a really, really bad flu. He got so sick and so dehydrated that his kidneys shut down.

The group is stunned and silent. Erika’s eyes are wide open now, boy. Zen starts to cry a little. Rebecca stares into space.

Jackie: He even needed help breathing. The doctors had to put him in a drug-induced coma just to help get him breathing with a respirator. On top of all that, he got an infection. A really bad infection.

The good news is Doug finally got the right antibiotics, and he’s starting to bounce back. Right now, he’s alert and he’s talking. If everything goes well, he should be out of the hospital in about a week or two. Doug knows that you all love and care about him.

Immediately, the gang wants to know if they can visit, but Jackie says he’s too weak. They decide to send something to the hospital. Jackie will take over training Laurie, Doug’s Skylab client.

Brian is close to Doug, his big gay brother. Brian reminds us Doug has no family — he’s Doug’s family.

And he doesn’t know what to do.

Next Week on Work Out: Rebecca wants Jackie to choose. Tess feels like giving up. Jackie takes the kids on a trip. Someone throws a drink, and it wasn’t Mimi.

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