“Pretty Little Liars” recap (2.22) – Everybody wants to rule the world

I can’t stop thinking about how Marlene King told me someone is going to get tortured in “A”‘s lair during the season finale and how even the production team was crying over it when they were filming. I’m leaning toward it being Spencer or Hanna because Season 2 has been Emily’s own personal hellscape and what’s “A” going to do to Aria? Stop the weather so she can’t make out with Ezbian’s face in it anymore?

But that’s only a fraction of the things we’ve got to think about right now. We’re going to solve the mystery of “A” in three weeks. Some beloved character is going to die. At least one Liar is coming face-to-face with a murder room. Plus, Maya has either run away or been kidnapped or Noel Kahn spotted her at the bus station and made that one creepy-ass Joker face he makes and she was sucked into his smile like a black hole. But Shay Mitchell did say we haven’t seen the last of Maya, which means she must be coming back at some point in the next three episodes. And Lindsey Shaw is slated for the finale, and she hinted that she’d be back for the third season to deal with some unfinished business. But mostly I cannot stop thinking about the majesty of Troian Bellisario‘s shoulders, which were on full display in a variety of ways this week and, 12 hours later, I still feel like I’ve been hit with a Confundus Charm.

Anyway, so Emily has been downtown to the police station again to account for the whereabouts of another missing lady love. Hanna is waiting up on her, all, “How was it? Did they make you fill out another one of those How Did You Kill Girlfriend forms?” Emily doesn’t feel like chatting about it, if you want to know the truth. She just wrangled her way back onto the swim team after being found in the presence of a shovel; what kind of blackmail will get her spot back now that she’s the leading suspect in the case of another disappearing student? Ten years from now Rosewood kids will be telling the tale of how gay ladies kept moving into this one bedroom at the old DiLaurentis place and Emily Fields, hopped up on Human Growth Hormone, kept murdering them in their sleep. But for now Maya isn’t returning any of Emily’s texts or calls, so probably they’re broken up, thanks a lot marijuana.

Spencer and Melissa are camped out in a car in a deserted alleyway in the dark at the witching hour so as not to be overheard by their conniving parents. Spencer’s like, “Just so we’re clear, you bailed on me to take a ride around town with Garrett” — whom, just parenthetically, Melissa is calling “The Police” — “and tell him every single thing about my own personal business.” Melissa goes, “That is correct. I told him everything about where you sleep, what times of the day you’re in the house alone, where you keep the videos of us murdering Alison, how the jig is almost up. But I needed a friend, OK? After Ian tried to murder my own sister, I was like, ‘No way did Ian murder my sister’s best friend.’ Because, honestly, I think mom and dad killed Alison.” Spencer pulls out her iPhone, opens up the Scooby Dooby App, and moves Melissa right the f–k up to the top of her list of “A” suspects. Finally. Lord.

Morning at the Montgomerys. Aria has fashioned together an outfit she calls All The Patterns. Ella pops her head in the door: “Your dad is directing this episode called ‘Father Knows Best,’ which is the most ironic thing, right?” Aria is like, “Because of how no father on earth knows less best than Byron Montgomery?” They giggle about what a toolbox he is, but then Ella goes, “Seriously, though. That father/daughter dance is tonight, so pick out some ungodly thing to wear and your dad will be here at 7:00.”

Detective Snape rings up Ashley first thing in the morning and she literally goes, “I told you never to call me here!” Ashley Marin is the greatest, you guys. Back when she was robbing the elderly and murdering architects, I don’t think I fully realized how wonderful she is. But she is just the best thing. Snape goes, “I want to talk about that police report some more.” And she’s all, “I want to talk about how if you call me at this number one more time I will chop you into pieces and stuff you into pasta boxes … lol, OK, see you later, Ella!” Because Hanna comes be-bopping into the kitchen. Her horrible father won’t be taking her to the father/daughter dance, which upsets her for inexplicable reasons. 

Ashley goes, “Since we have established that I am better than all the parents on this show/the earth, I will happily escort you to the dance, my dear.” Hanna doesn’t want to go to the dance with her mom. But Ashley doesn’t feel too bad about it on account of every lesbian watching this program shouting, “I’LL GO TO THE DANCE WITH YOU, ASHLEY” in unison.