TV

“Pretty Little Liars” recap (2.22) — Everybody wants to rule the world

I can’t stop thinking about how Marlene King told me someone is going to get tortured in “A”‘s lair during the season finale and how even the production team was crying over it when they were filming. I’m leaning toward it being Spencer or Hanna because Season 2 has been Emily’s own personal hellscape and what’s “A” going to do to Aria? Stop the weather so she can’t make out with Ezbian’s face in it anymore?

But that’s only a fraction of the things we’ve got to think about right now. We’re going to solve the mystery of “A” in three weeks. Some beloved character is going to die. At least one Liar is coming face-to-face with a murder room. Plus, Maya has either run away or been kidnapped or Noel Kahn spotted her at the bus station and made that one creepy-ass Joker face he makes and she was sucked into his smile like a black hole. But Shay Mitchell did say we haven’t seen the last of Maya, which means she must be coming back at some point in the next three episodes. And Lindsey Shaw is slated for the finale, and she hinted that she’d be back for the third season to deal with some unfinished business. But mostly I cannot stop thinking about the majesty of Troian Bellisario‘s shoulders, which were on full display in a variety of ways this week and, 12 hours later, I still feel like I’ve been hit with a Confundus Charm.

Anyway, so Emily has been downtown to the police station again to account for the whereabouts of another missing lady love. Hanna is waiting up on her, all, “How was it? Did they make you fill out another one of those How Did You Kill Girlfriend forms?” Emily doesn’t feel like chatting about it, if you want to know the truth. She just wrangled her way back onto the swim team after being found in the presence of a shovel; what kind of blackmail will get her spot back now that she’s the leading suspect in the case of another disappearing student? Ten years from now Rosewood kids will be telling the tale of how gay ladies kept moving into this one bedroom at the old DiLaurentis place and Emily Fields, hopped up on Human Growth Hormone, kept murdering them in their sleep. But for now Maya isn’t returning any of Emily’s texts or calls, so probably they’re broken up, thanks a lot marijuana.

Spencer and Melissa are camped out in a car in a deserted alleyway in the dark at the witching hour so as not to be overheard by their conniving parents. Spencer’s like, “Just so we’re clear, you bailed on me to take a ride around town with Garrett” – whom, just parenthetically, Melissa is calling “The Police” – “and tell him every single thing about my own personal business.” Melissa goes, “That is correct. I told him everything about where you sleep, what times of the day you’re in the house alone, where you keep the videos of us murdering Alison, how the jig is almost up. But I needed a friend, OK? After Ian tried to murder my own sister, I was like, ‘No way did Ian murder my sister’s best friend.’ Because, honestly, I think mom and dad killed Alison.” Spencer pulls out her iPhone, opens up the Scooby Dooby App, and moves Melissa right the f–k up to the top of her list of “A” suspects. Finally. Lord.

Morning at the Montgomerys. Aria has fashioned together an outfit she calls All The Patterns. Ella pops her head in the door: “Your dad is directing this episode called ‘Father Knows Best,’ which is the most ironic thing, right?” Aria is like, “Because of how no father on earth knows less best than Byron Montgomery?” They giggle about what a toolbox he is, but then Ella goes, “Seriously, though. That father/daughter dance is tonight, so pick out some ungodly thing to wear and your dad will be here at 7:00.”

Detective Snape rings up Ashley first thing in the morning and she literally goes, “I told you never to call me here!” Ashley Marin is the greatest, you guys. Back when she was robbing the elderly and murdering architects, I don’t think I fully realized how wonderful she is. But she is just the best thing. Snape goes, “I want to talk about that police report some more.” And she’s all, “I want to talk about how if you call me at this number one more time I will chop you into pieces and stuff you into pasta boxes … lol, OK, see you later, Ella!” Because Hanna comes be-bopping into the kitchen. Her horrible father won’t be taking her to the father/daughter dance, which upsets her for inexplicable reasons.

Ashley goes, “Since we have established that I am better than all the parents on this show/the earth, I will happily escort you to the dance, my dear.” Hanna doesn’t want to go to the dance with her mom. But Ashley doesn’t feel too bad about it on account of every lesbian watching this program shouting, “I’LL GO TO THE DANCE WITH YOU, ASHLEY” in unison.

Rosewood High. The Liars accost Spencer about how they’ve got to go to the police now that they know four of the 20 people who killed Alison, including “A,” who is Melissa. Spencer makes a couple of salient points: 1) If Melissa really is A, that means she dragged Ian’s zombie corpse all around town while texting herself from Ian’s phone, which is a lot of grossness, even for Melissa. And 2) What has happened every time they have taken evidence to the police? Emily goes, “Rat blood.” And the Liars nod in agreement. The video will just have to wait.

After school, Spencer spies a prezzie on the kitchen counter. She’s leery, of course, because sometimes a present is a lovely end table whittled by your boyfriend, and sometimes it is a talking doll that instructs you cut out the heart of your boyfriend, and sometimes it is earthworms in your Chinese takeout. This time, though, it is a diamond necklace from Peter Hastings, a pre-dance gift. Spencer lets out a low whistle. How many pickup trucks will she be able to to buy when she sells this thing down at Ol’ Gatsby Pawn & Save? Peter walks in all, “Do you like it, darli-” But Melissa shuts him up by kneeing him right in the ballsack. On the way upstairs, she mouths to Spencer, “We hates him, Precious!

So many secret meetings in cars! Ashely is cozied up to Snape in some BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA or another. He’s all, “I’d really like to get my hands on Hanna’s phone.” And she goes, “I’ll bet you would.” And he’s like, “It’s not what you think. I don’t want Hanna’s phone because I’m still convinced she murdered Alison. I want Hanna’s phone because she’s got stuff on there that’s going to make me lose my job because I’m still convinced she murdered Alison.”

OK, and remember when Alison spotted Byron and Meredith making out in that car and was like, “Aria! Parental shadiness ahead!” Remember? Well, Mona and Hanna are walkingdown the sidewalk talking about how Dante certainly had community service in mind when he was writing Divine Comedy – “ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE!” – when Mona goes, “Hanna! Parental shadiness ahead!” Because Ashley and Snape are having their secret meeting in the town square.

Hanna clomps in the door like a Serena van der Beast, all, “If you are sleeping with Snape like some sort of Pretty Woman situation, I am going to vomit. And not like the bulimia way Alison taught me. Or the way I got drunk and vomited on Isabel’s wedding dress. I mean, the kind where a person vomits out of disgust.” Ashley calmly explains for like the billionth time that she knows Hanna is being stalked (“Yeah, by Snape!” says Hanna) and she’s not going to stand by and watch her get hit by another car or dump another boyfriend’s body over the side of a rowboat or stuff another dozen cupcakes down her gullet. Hanna runs off in a huff shouting the whole way up the stairs about, “It’s not like anyone even noticed Lucas was gone!!!!”

Aria and Mike have an awkward conversation about how he has to shave while his dad is in Out Of Town or else Byron gets so weepy that he skulks around in his bathrobe for days on end, flipping through family photo albums and rocking Aria’s old Cabbage Patch Dolls to sleep, crying about, “My babies! My babies!” Mike’s like, “Speaking of things that make dad act like an insane person, don’t you think it’s about time for you to break up with Mr. Fitz?” Aria’s just rolls her eyes and leaves him to it. Her pterodactyl-skin dress and tarantula-fur wrap aren’t going to pick themselves out for the dance.

Finally, sensing we’ve had just about all the murdering, infantilizing, Kate-loving dads we can handle, Papa Fields (hi, Papa Fields!) shows up. One look at Emily’s face and he goes, “Unlike the other fathers on this show, I am going to treat you like the competent, capable young lady you are. No patronizing. No blackmailing. No homocide. Clearly, something is bothering you. If you want to talk about it, I will listen and help anyway I can.”

Emily explains that Maya probably ran away to California due to the fact that she told Emily she was running away to California and left her parents a note saying she was running away to California, both of which seem to indicate that she ran away to California. Papa Fields says they should check the bus station because when he was a young hoodlum trying to get the heck out of this murder hole of a town, he used the bus station.

And now back to our regularly scheduled paternal s–tshow. Peter interrupts Spencer’s studies, like, “Hey, remember that country club where you met that tennis pro who you dirty danced with in the kitchen and then he left the show because you applied for him to go to tennis camp in Switzerland, which: a) is the stupidest reason I’ve ever heard for breaking up with a person, and b) is a letter you did not actually send?” Spencer does remember such a club. Peter wants to take her there to do some Thurston Howell III-type things, but she’d rather stay home and rifle through his belongings …

… which Melissa catches her doing about ten minutes later. Too late, though! She already found a receipt for 15,000 DOLLARS CASH MONEY that was written right around the time Alison received 15,000 DOLLARS CASH MONEY and then died. Melissa is like, “What the bleeding heck are you doing in Dad’s office, lady?” Spencer tells how the fax machine is broken at the Marin’s house and so she’s going to have to mail a letter in an envelope through the United States Postal Service with a stamp. Melissa just happens to have a stamp in her purse, because she is your grandmother and it is 1994.

At the bus station, Emily asks nicely if the ticket seller guy has seen Maya, but the ticket seller guy doesn’t have time to talk to her because he’s got a SPAM sandwich with his name on it and only ten minutes to eat it. But then he spots Emily’s dad and goes, “Oh, is there a dude here with you? I guess my SPAM sandwich can wait.” He did, indeed, sell a bus ticket to Maya, but then he saw her get in the car with “A,” so he can’t really vouch for her whereabouts. Another theory I have is that Lucas was doing one of his nightly cross-country drives and offered to give Maya a ride to California. Maybe they could pop in at Caleb’s and do a threesome or whatever, he probably suggested. Emily’s dad tips his manly hat to the ticket seller guy and the ticket seller guy sings the National Anthem.

Over at the Home of the Brave, Byron says, “You’re my little girl” about ten thousand times to Aria, and it’s no goddamn wonder he’s got such a problem with Ezra Fitz. I mean, Ezra is the exact opposite of Byron. He treats Aria like an adult, asks for and listens to her opinion about things, respects her as an autonomous human being independent of his desires. Meanwhile, Byron’s whole identity is wrapped up in the illusion that Aria is still a little kid. His little kid. It’s the kind of True Love Waits bulls–t that prompts fathers to give purity rings to their daughters that their daughters then give back to them when they get married and their sexuality becomes the responsibility of another man. Gross. Blech. Blarg.

Emily is showering for the dance when Maya finally decides to return one of her calls. Emily calls back immediately but Maya doesn’t answer. I really am starting to think she’s been taken hostage.

Downstairs, Ashley makes the fatal mistake of hinting that she’d like a look-see at Hanna’s phone, and you know what Hanna does? She just tosses that f–ker in the dishwater. Ashley, don’t worry! Just check the air vents in the Rosewood High Library! In times like these, you can always find a hacker hobo who’s just looking for a hot meal in exchange for some technological sorcery!

At the dance, Emily has finally worked her way up to pissed off at Maya. She’s like, “I’m sorry, Dad. Unless Maya is trapped in an underground bunker with a serial killer, which, frankly, is entirely possible, there’s really no excuse for her not calling me back. And I don’t want it to ruin our night.” Papa Fields smiles sweetly and says that Maya isn’t going to ruin the night; what’s going to ruin the night is the new that he’s shipping back to Afghanistan. And guys, I have a real bad feeling that he’s the character who’s going to get killed, which bums me out real hard. This scene just feels like a goodbye-goodbye, you know what I mean? Why else would it be here?

“Everybody Wants to Rule the World” is the song of choice for the father/daughter dance, which is a pretty apt commentary about the dads (sans Papa Fields) on this show, right? (Man, I am really down on these guys tonight.) But the Liars aren’t dancing with their dads. They’re engaging in the best scene in this awesome episode. After like two years of collectively ignoring Mona, she has decided to infiltrate their ranks and lay down some truths. Spencer bristles a little when Mona says she has a plan, but then she realizes that she, herself, is so gorgeous right now nobody’s listening to Mona anyway. Mona wants to know who is the best liar, and all of the Liars point at the number one Liar and say, “Aria!” at the same time. It’s hilarious. The fact that they’re just all in agreement without ever discussing it and also the fact that Aria has the audacity to act affronted.

And then there’s the father/daughter dancing that goes like this:

Peter: Do you like slow jams or fast jams? I can give the DJ 15,000 DOLLARS CASH MONEY to play what you like.

Spencer: What I would like is for you not to have murdered my best friend. But we can’t always get what we want.

Byron: You’re daddy’s little girl.

Aria: Except for how I’m not.

Papa Fields: I love you, my sweet gay pumpkin.

Emily: I love you too, Dad. You’re better than Burt Hummel because I never have to suffer through Finchel scenes to see your handsome face.

The next scene is baller too. I love it when Lucy Hale gets to do things besides act forlorn. She stops by Hanna’s to tell Ashley that she’s the one who Photoshopped Hanna’s police record and then dropped it off in Mona’s mailbox and then blackmailed Mona into blackmailing Hanna. So she’d stop shoplifting. Essentially, she’s worried about Hanna and acting out a complicated lie to keep her safe about how she was worried about Hanna and had to act out a complicated lie to keep her safe. You know what I mean? Ashley goes, “Why yes, Aria. That makes perfect sense. Thank you for stopping by.”

Peter chases Spencer home where she confesses to burgling his office and finding the receipt for the blood money he paid Alison. He’s like, “Is that all you found in here? Just the receipt? No hockey sticks? No birth certificates? No forged wills? No murder videos?” Nope, none of that. How about a gun? Spencer’s like, “You’re telling me that you keep a gun in the same house as Melissa Hastings? That’s what you’re telling me right now?” Peter goes, “Correction. I used to keep a gun in the same house as Melissa Hastings. Now it has been stolen.” While he runs out into the hallway to use the phone, Spencer finds a folder full of photos of Ali stuffed into his desk. It’s not as creepy as that time Jason took a bunch of pictures of the inside of Aria’s ear from across the street with a telephoto lens and then said he was going to have them framed for her as a gift, but it’s still creepy.

Once the police are on the way, Peter is like, “OK, Spencer, listen. I only killed Alison a little bit. And Jason also only killed her a little bit. Most of all, I think it was … your sister.” The thing the music does when he says that is AMAZING. Here, let me get a clip of it. You need to hear it.

God, I love this show.

Hanna pops round to Aria’s the next day to see if her mom bought Aria’s confession. Aria is like, “Totally.” And over at the Marin’s, Ashley and Ella are chatting about how they totally did not buy it.

Vivian Darkbloom’s informant is feeling pretty generous, I guess, because he tells Aria that Ali was also being blackmailed from another phone in another location. He couldn’t pinpoint it exactly, but he knows where it was “within a block radius” so the Liars drive there and it doesn’t take much sleuthing before they walk straight into a marionette butcher shop, with like flanks of porcelain and decapitated doll heads hanging in the window. Emily’s like, “So, I mean, these are like that doll that came to life in the backseat of my car and commandeered my GPS and held my hand and led me into a barn where I made out with Alison’s ghost, correct?” That seems to be the general consensus.

Aria mistakes the chill that runs up her spine for just being cold, so she decides to just pull Vivian Darkbloom’s coat from the boot of Spencer’s car and wear it. I mean, what’s another dead thing draped around her body. And also, that coat looks gorgeous on her. A guy named Duncan recognizes the coat and goes, “VIVIAN DARKBLOOM?” And Aria turns around and is like, “Another adorable hobbit who will fall in love with me. Excellent.”

The Risen Mitten stops by Rosewood’s town square to pick up a newspaper. Guess who’s full-color photo takes up half the front page? Maya St. Germain. She’s now officially MISSING.

You guys, who is “A”? Where is Maya? Why is this season running out of time?!

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button