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“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.5): Things Get Sticky

Sometimes you just have to learn to trust in a benevolent universe. For example, after last cycle, I was pretty sure there wouldn’t be a more ridiculous photo shoot than when the models were made to pose in giant bowls of Greek salad. I quietly made my peace with the fact that Top Model had hit its apex and assumed it would be all downhill from there. 

This Wednesday night, I was proved deliciously wrong. America’s Next Top Model, I am sorry for doubting you. 

Last Week!

Candace (Team USA) got booted for only ever making one face. That brought the totals back to even, with five Brits and five yanks. Really, Tyra? We can’t let a team get two up? Too crazy? Fine.  

Modelland!

AzMarie (Team USA, Team LezBiModel) won last week, and looks stunning, always, even when she is flossing. I think she may be a legitimate field of study for physicists: Does she bend light, or what? This week, her winning photo is captioned “Looks like animation,” and “Fierce with a capital F.” The font they use is called, I believe, “Cutesy 80’s Game That’s Secretly a Space Invaders Knockoff.” 

AzMarie interviews, with sunglasses on, that it’s her second week in a row winning. She says she’s getting into her element. She’s low-key about it, which is the only thing that ever makes me worry for her. Tyra likes a certain amount of perky groveling in her models. Think terrier at a barbecue. 

Also: AzMarie’s hair is growing in, so she soon won’t have a discernable “ANTM” shaved into it anymore. And then she will grow more powerful than you can possibly imagine. 

Sophie, as the alpha Brit, sets her sights on AzMarie and decides she’s going to get in her way. 

We flash back on Kyle (Team USA) being super repetitive about wanting to go home and Eboni (Team USA) disliking her. Kyle says staying will piss the models off, but says she doesn’t really care in that high school way that really means you do care, but cannot coherently explain your actions and motives. 

Laura (Team USA, Team LezBiModel) interviews that a friend died in a motorcycle accident just before she came to do the show, which has added some life perspective and lowered her tolerance for trifling nonsense out of these women. She suggests that they need to understand that it’s a blessing just to be here. I am guessing that she will not have phenomenal success in passing that wisdom along. 

Annaleise (Team UK) shouts, “There’s something on the [product placement] phone! It’s a video message!” Way to shill, Annaliese. I hope the producers are paying her bonuses — she’s brand dropping a ton. 

Catherine says Annaliese “found” the [product placement] phone, which is charmingly disingenuous, because we clearly saw Annaliese coming from a mark no farther away than just behind the corner, which she’d gone back to after the last totally spontaneous take. 

It’s a video. And it’s Jay Manuel! He’s in Toronto, where he’s getting ready to present — heaven help us all — his “second collection for Attitude Jay Manuel.” Yes, he has his own fashion line. Called “Attitude.” Of course he does. And I’m sure he designed it his very own self. 

Anyway, they’re all invited to Toronto Fashion Week. They’re going to go to castings with several designers. We cut back to the models, who are preparing to freak. Annaliese is so pre-excited that she’s making the same frozen extended arms that Scooby-Doo characters make when they run. Either that or she got bit and is now one of the walking dead. Kyle is fanning herself with her fingers. 

Jay says it’s just like the real world of modeling and we get multiple shots of the models freaking. 

Alisha says that this is her element. She loves catwalk and says she could tell from the very first week that the Americans couldn’t walk for — well, her lips were blurred, so we’ll never know. But we get an idea when she says, “These bitches are about to get cooked.” 

Credits

Do you ever wonder about the shot in which Tyra slaps her own ass? Do you think there were conversations, like maybe it was a director’s suggestion? Or was it just a spontaneous moment? Was Tyra in the editing room, going “No, the ass slap stays! If that goes, then so do I!!!” No, you’re right: I’m sure everyone recognized it for the little slice of perfection that it was. 

Toronto!

The models and Jay are, for no reason whatsoever, in the CN Tower, which Jay says is the tallest freestanding structure in the Western hemisphere. Because if there’s one thing Jay loves more than designing things with his own two hands, it’s architecture facts. I’m pretty sure they’re only up there in the hopes that one of the models will turn out to be afraid of heights and flip out. No such luck. And, really — the models totally thought they were going to be dangled off that thing and are relieved to hear they’re not in some nightmarish piƱata shoot. 

Jay reiterates that they’re going out on real castings with real designers (and him) for real shows that are happening at Toronto Fashion Week. Laura interviews that she hasn’t done real runway before and is a little nervous. Jay says the girl who books the most shows (and rocks them) will win the amazing prize of some pieces from his clothing collection, whereupon we cut to a woman in white trousers, a white beach fedora, and a blouse that’s what camouflage would be if forests were pink and mauve. 

I guess if you think heavy combat is about to go down in your azalea bushes, Mr. Jay is your man. The model also has what appears to be a cat toy hanging by her head, which, it occurs to me, would be a good way to keep the models amused. We’ll get more clarity on what that hanging thing is in a bit. 

Oh, and also the winner will get to come back to Canada for a special event. Please let it be something to do with curling. 

Sophie says she sucks at runway, but hopes to win by faking it. I’m pretty sure she’s actually got one of the best strategies in the bunch. 

We see a shot of the back of Jay’s head as the producers cover the fact that he had to redo his line. He voiceovers that the models will see a total of eight designers, (Including himself!), and that the models could get booked for shows that very night. Because real designers in real fashion shows just wait it out and see who they can get that day. 

First casting at [Censored]! 

Blerg, the president of the company, greets the models and tells them to get into character and that she doesn’t care for swinging hips. Seymone says she’s got ’em and they’re gonna swing. 

Kim likes Sophie’s confidence. Yay, faking it! 

Alisha says Kyle is atrocious and always looks scared, then bugs her eyes out in imitation. 

Ashley says she walked the straightest she’s ever walked, and really tried to glide. Blerg tells her that she’s not supposed to make normal human walking movements, she’s supposed to be a clothes hanger. Then she says Ashley was “hippy.” Charming. 

Say, Blerg, isn’t the idea that models should be nonhuman hangers that allow clothes to drop straight down with no hips or breasts to get in the way a big contributor to the pervasive problem with eating disorders in the industry, not to mention the way they are routinely used and cast aside just like coat hangers? Guess which recapper just went back and took out both your name and your company’s name. No free product placement for you, Blerg! 

Kyle, Laura, and Sophie book! That puts them tied for the lead at one. Blerg tells them to show up early to practice. Sophie is happy and feels a confidence boost. 

Seymone says she doesn’t want to go watch the show if she’s not in it. Because what could a modeling contestant learn from a fashion show? Annaliese describes Seymone as had work, like babysitting a 5-year-old. 

Second casting for the Toronto Start-Up Show! 

I have no idea what that means, but there are six designers there. Plus a casting director named Hans

Catherine doesn’t care for Laura’s walk and says she moves like she has something stuck up her bum. I’m sorry, Catherine, who’s booked something so far? I see. Maybe you should look into suppositories. 

Annaliese interviews that it was good to knock six designers down at once. We cut to her admitting that she’s only 5’7″, but says she makes up for it in personality. The designers like her. 

AzMarie, Annaliesse, Alisha, Sophie, and Ebonie all get held, which I guess means booked. 

AzMarie has booked two so far we see a designer say she’s going to close the show and she gives a fist pump. Sophie has booked three. Alisha books two and has a hot walk. Eboni books four shows off of those six designers. Dang. Well played, Eboni. 

Eboni interviews about her rough childhood, saying she lived with her grandma and slept on an air mattress in the attic. While she says this, she is completely undercut by footage of her modeling anklets that seem to be made out of matchbooks that were spray-painted gold and strung together. 

Catherine and Seymone and Ashley have not been booked and they are in the Bummer Corner. Catherine says they need to stay positive. 

Third casting at Attitude Jay Manuel! 

Alisha says what a great honor it would be to be in the show. AzMarie models a white suit, and heavens to Betsey, does she look fantastic in it. 

Jay says he really wants to use Seymone, but her walk is weak. 

Catherine models a black and white suit that doesn’t work for her nearly as well as certain other suits I can mention. AzMarie says Catherine kind of looks like a penguin. 

Ashley is incredibly nervous (and adorable) and describes her own walk as “Bambi on ice.” She doesn’t think she did well and she gets the wacky music. Oh, dear. 

Laura, Kyle, AzMarie, and Sophie all get booked. Catherine mentions that the smile-and-clap is a little hard when she didn’t get anything. 

Seymone says “I tried, didn’t get it, didn’t care,” which is really some can-do spirit. 

Sophie and Eboni are tied at four bookings each. Now they have to walk in shows. 

Oh, good lord, the models actually have to ride buses back segregated by their country or origin. The Brits don’t care for Seymone, and think she is cracking. Alisha points out that a positive attitude might be nice. 

Sophie is stoked for being a real model. Time to rehearse for Blerg! The runway director coaches Laura, Kyle, and Sophie. Laura says her walk fell apart when the nerves hit. Kyle and Laura get cut from the show for their lack of experience and confidence. Blerg: “You can wreck the show.” Wouldn’t you like to have her over for dinner? 

Laura says she feels numb over getting cut, and she’s afraid of getting sent home. 

Fashion show!

Mr. Jay gives the models a pep talk. “We’ve never done this in the history of Top Model. We’ve never been at a real live fashion week.” My friend Sheila, sitting next to me and watching the show for the first time ever, leans over and says “Um, isn’t he pointing out that this show doesn’t really do much for the models?” That’s just the kind of thinking that gets you kicked off the show, Sheila. Shape up or you’ll have to take a road trip challenge in a Smart car with Blerg. 

Laura doesn’t like it that she got cut, but says it was a lesson and vows to get better and not let the pressure rattle her. Seymone is in a bad mood. Laura points out that part of modeling is going to castings and getting rejected over and over, and points out that she should get over it. Wow, Laura is getting the PracticalVoice of Reason edit this episode. Good. 

Jay talks to Seymone about sulking and tells her to buck the hell up and smile and try to impress. Seymone says Jay gave her words of encouragement, which he didn’t quite, but anyway, she plans to kick butt. 

Sophie walks and looks so good that she makes me type an unprintable sentence. AzMarie is no slouch either. She’s proud to be closing a show and manages to pull off some tricky steampunk goggles. 

Sophie notes that Eboni makes a terribly serious face while she walks, like she’s getting inducted into the Supreme Court or made Ambassador to All of Explored Space. Catherine wishes she was up there because she loves catwalk so much. 

Sophie walks for Blerg’s company, the only Top Model contestant left in the bunch. She hopes this makes her stand out and that AzMarie finally thinks of her as real competition. Blerg smiles at Sophie and then bites the head off a live ferret. 

Jay Manuel has dressed AzMarie in a fuchsia and white striped tank, a maxi skirt, and some giant feathered earrings that would make Mr. T tell you to go for a little more classic subtlety. 

To her credit as a competitor, AzMarie lies like a poorly dressed bearskin rug and says that, yes, she loves Jay’s creations and would definitely wear them “on a regular basis.” Let’s not forget that Pluto passing through its closest point to the sun is also something that could be described as happening on a regular basis. 

Jay’s show also uses several of the Rhoda Morgenstern head scarves from Makeover Week in his show, one of them using the Azalea Commando pattern from earlier. 

Ashley adorables that she loved his show and and his clothes and wishes she’d been picked, saying, “I’m not asking much. I just want you to let me walk in your show, for God’s sake.”

Jay, making his savvy face, says that all of the international fashion editors were there, so the rush of the show is a big deal for the girls who, um, got to be in one. Annaliese says her confidence is way up. 

A hotel! 

It’s a penthouse with three floors and the models love it. Remember the old days when Tyra wanted them to experience what a model house was like, so she kept cramming them into the smallest spaces possible? What? No, me neither. 

Catherine is super nice to AzMarie and generously said that she did a great job and stood out from all the other models because she’s amazing. AzMarie gives her a sincere thank you, and it’s nice to see two of the models just being normal. 

AzMarie interviews that she’s confident because she came out to her parents at 14 and had to work through a few problems. She mentions that she was her mom’s only daughter and her mom was a little sad not to get to do girly stuff with her. AzMarie thinks that modeling allows her mother to see her little girl. That might be the most introspective thing ever said on the show. Quick, how can we cure it?! 

Trya Mail! 

Tyra is peering out from behind a Sith hood.

Ali Mail! 

Dear ANTM producers, 

Would it kill you to adopt a style guide and hire a proofreader? 

Just asking. 

Geek and love, 

Ali 

Still in the hotel!

Sophie really wants to win. Ashley is sad that she didn’t book anything and adorables that she’s really trying. Sophie confirms that Ashley was really trying. Ashley says she’s learning a lot and she’s doing this for her wee Scottish babies back home and wants to make her kids proud. 

(Commercials. How much would you have to be paid to see Think Like a Man? More than a million? Or would it just depend on which of your loved ones the producers were holding at gunpoint?) 

A cold, rainy street!

Oh, man, do the models look shivery and miserable. Jays says the challenge ended up in a tie between Eboni and Sophie. They both win Jay’s clothes and a trip to — wait for it — the rodeo. Someone tell Sophie what that is. 

Jay says they’re in the distillery district, but not why that is relevant. What, no architecture facts? 

Alisha doesn’t want to go home. She also says that they’re all busting their bollocks, and AzMarie is getting everything. (And if you want to see models busting their bullocks, you’ll just have to wait for the rodeo.) 

And now it is time for what just may be… 

The most magically stupid photo shoot in Top Model history.

The ladies wear leaf bikinis and pose fiercely while stagehands pour maple syrup all over them. I love this show so much, even though it hurts when I have to explain why. Nights like this make it worth it. 

Miguel Jacob is the photographer, and let me go ahead and give him credit for somehow making every model’s eyes look fantastic during this shoot. Because the rest of them — and I cannot emphasize this enough — is covered in maple syrup. 

Sophie goes first and Jay says, “This is really going to be about shapes.” Thanks, Jay. 

Laura watches Sophie carefully because she thinks she, AzMarie, and Kyle are her top competition. Laura is always thinking. Nobody rat her out to Tyra on that, OK? 

Alisha says syrup is going in her bum. Catherine tells Jay she’s still confident, but tells us, because she loves and trusts us more, that she knows she’s going home if she gets a bad photo because she didn’t book. 

Oh, no, Laura is crying. The fact that her friend died shortly before the competition is hitting her in waves, and one of those is hitting now. A camera is classily directed to zoom in as she’s crying. Annaliese is sweet to her and tells her to watch the freshly applied mascara. 

Laura has moxie, though: She takes a jolt of syrup in the eye and models right though it. 

Annaliese is growly and loves it. Ashley looks charming and also takes a wee dram of syrup in the eye. Jay asks her if she misses her babies, which pretty much means Ashley is up for elimination. Ashley says her mom told the kids, “The longer I’m way, the more I’m winning.” Crap. 

Kyle is all whatevs about leaving your kids 5,000 miles away. I thought syrup in the eye was bad, but Kyle has syrup in the nostril. I hope they airbrush that. 

AzMarie officially looks good doing everything. Holy pancakes. Ashley says she wants to be like AzMarie. “She done hers in, like, seven shots.” 

Seymone seems to do well and Jay says it’s her best shoot so far. 

Sophie thinks Eboni is ignoring Tyra’s advice and being too sexy. 

Judging! 

This week’s guest judge is groundbreaking model Beverly Johnson. Wow, she really didn’t get as much fanfare as I thought she might get. 

Team UK

Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone tells Alisha to model more. Nigel says to use her angles and have fun with it. 

Everyone loves Sophie’s photo but Tyra, who wants more weird. 

(We are still, by the way, pretending that it is totally normal to have photos of leaf-clad women covered in syrup so it looks like they’re sloughing off their alien skins.) 

Catherine booked nothing and breaks down a little in talking about Blerg’s walking clothes hangers comment. Catherine still thinks the fashion world should be logical and non-jerkball, which suggests she’s in the wrong industry. 

Nigel loves the sincerity of Catherine’s photo. So she is sincerely standing there with maple syrup on her face. Tyra loves it and says the best sentence I have heard in weeks: “You are smizing through my soul.” Let’s all use that at our earliest opportunity, shall we? Ideally at the bank. 

Ashley admits that Blerg said her walk was hippy, though at first everyone on the North American landmass thinks she said “happy.” Blerg, you hurt Ashley. Are you proud of yourself? What’s that? You hurt others because you cannot be proud of yourself because you long ago gnawed out your own soul? Let that be a lesson to you, Blerg. 

Nigel looks at Ashley’s shot and says “I’m definitely feeling the maple.” So am I — they let this batch get cold or dry or something and Ashley looks like she has a tropical skin disease. But cute. 

Annaliese looks good and animalistic. The judges hedge their bets by saying she might be a TV presenter. 

Team USA

Laura got booked and unbooked, but was gracious about it. Her photo looks great. Kelly asks her what was up with the hint of sadness and Laura, who knows you don’t get to hide stuff from the judges and still win, spills about her friend dying. Kelly is actually nice about it. The judges thank Laura and like that she’s beautiful and wild, but still vulnerable. 

Kyle gets lots of good props, but I think her photo is the teeniest bit boring. 

AzMarie is wearing MC Hammer pants and dances up to the judges. We haven’t really seen her silly before, and it’s nice. And then we forget because her photo is smizing through our brains. 

Kelly says, verbatim, “Smoldering hot. Boiling hot. Chica, chica, chica, yes. I love it.” I’m glad they’re letting the judges perform original haiku. 

Seymone looks great. Nigel loves it as a beauty shot and Beverly says she knows her body. Eboni booked a ton. Tyra suuuuure hopes her picture isn’t too sexy… And it isn’t! Or it is, but the judges don’t care. I’ve kind of lost the thread and we all know they’re making the rules up as they go. Anyway, it’s a great picture. 

Best Photo:

Eboni 

Runner up:

AzMarie …And we see a new kind of smoldering, because AzMarie is pissed that she’s not in first place. 

Third:

Sophie 

Seymone, Laura, and Kyle get called up, leaving four Brits at the bottom.  

Alisha gets called up and exclaims, “Really? Oh, my God!” because she’s so relieved. Annaliese gets called next and I say, “Really? Oh, my God!” because she is wearing bright green wedges that look like they’re at least four inches high 

Catherine and Ashley are left! 

This week’s obsolete model: 

Ashley 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Eugh. Tyra lets me grow to love the Brits, and then she rips them away. What have I ever done to her? Oh, right. 

Tyra tells Ashley to become a TV presenter, and everyone agrees. Please, please come back to our televisions, Ashley. We won’t subtitle you or anything. 

Next week: 

Sophie throws what looks like a stuffed animal of Laura’s into the pool, prompting what looks like an enjoyable rampage. Plus it’s Pointless Music Video Week! Oh, that will be delightful. Meet me back here and bring your autotune! 

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