When Does a Lesbian Lose Her Virginity?

Slate’s June Thomas answers queer questions for “Ask a Homo,” and this week, she takes on “When does a lesbian lose her virginity?”

Video transcript below: 

June: When does a lesbian lose her virginity? It’s first when she goes on vacation with two ex lovers, their girlfriends and a dog that she shares with another ex. Actually I guess what youre talking about is sexually speaking?  I’m not sure that there’s a clear answer to this question. It’s such a weird concept that you can be “deflowered” or something happened  just because of where you put something or where someone puts something. But clearly losing virginity or questions like this is wanting to kind of indicate when a line has been crossed when intimacy is becoming something more than casual. Surely its more than kissing but where exactly does that line occur when women are sexual together?

I had some friends to help me come up with a definition that will henceforth be the definitive test of when a lesbian for when a lesbian “has lost her virginity”. And one woman said it happens when a woman has an orgasm with another woman. That seems kind of like a high bar- but it’s a possibility

Another very wise friend said it’s when you feel like you’ve had sex with another woman- and that seems like a good answer.

It’s not about putting something somewhere, it’s not about being “deflowered” or feeling that something has changed inside you because something has been inside you. It’s more about how you feel. And I think the ultimate conclusion is you’ll know it when you do it.