Lesbian lingo is ever evolving and, to an outsider, complete nonsense. Ever wanted a handy guide on how to translate our secret language? You got it, I am at your service. It’s a bonding thing, born from having shared interests, experience and many, many opinions. The full guide would be 20 pages long, though, so here are 10 phrases I guarantee you will never hear a Lesbian lady utter. Like, ever.
“Actually, I think I own enough hats.”
Trilby, trucker caps, beanies; even those little scarf things that you tie up Gwen-Stefani-Style – Gay girls love head-wear. Whatever your style, most of us own some sort of head accessory. Admit it… You’re wearing it right now, aren’t you?
“Ellen and Portia are over.”
Never. They’re our Wills and Kate. Our Brangelina, up until the split. Lesbian royalty never to be unseated and well deserved. They can do no wrong. Ellen may get her unfair share of hate online, but who doesn’t? She still lives in our hearts forever as our most precious role model. You had to be there, but her coming out in 1997 was more significant to us than any lesbian since and when she landed Portia, oh how we celebrated!
“Social-Media stalking is creepy.”
We’ve all done it, come on. Let yourself off. Obsessive combing through that new girls profile is an awesome way to spend an hour. You’re gay, which means you’re allowed. It’s like a rule or something. Even Taylor Swift celebrates in her song Paper Rings that, on meeting her new crush, she “Went home and tried to stalk you on the internet / Now I’ve read all of the books beside your bed” so this isn’t just a lesbian thing, it’s a girl thing. But lesbians do it best.
“Thank you, but no I won’t sign your petition. In fact, activism bores me.”
I’m going to make a blanket statement here – Many Lesbians are strong activists. I mean who can resist a good rally? The ones I’ve been to are basically one big match-making session for lesbians. So, bring on the banners and point us towards a protest – We’re getting involved. And if we meet the love of our lives under the reformer’s tree? Well, that’s a win-win.
“The Kardashians are role models for us all.”
I have yet to meet a single sapphic lady who finds these women anything but repulsive and anti-feminist. Because we have eyes and that. I have secret hope for Kendal but we’ll have to see how that plays out.
“Twitter? No, I don’t like social networks. Too invasive.”
Admit it, lesbians like to “see and be seen” on the scene and the internet creates the perfect platform for low-key preening. Insta is over and Tik-Tok far too obvious so you’re much more likely to find us on Twitter where everything happens first. And I’ll be honest, here, for a lot of lady-loving-ladies the thought of not being connected to social media is a concept more terrifying than Jeffrey Marsh’s Patreon.
“Karma isn’t a thing. Be sensible.”
Karma, star signs, crystals – these cryptic cultures abound in lesbian culture (yes, I’m happy with that blanket statement) and are getting easier to spot. Women’s culture on the whole has an affinity for alternate activism and charity because we do seem to have that drive about us, don’t we? That recognition of being seen as different comes from our history of being subject to oppression and segregation which in turn instils within us a strong sense of obligation to help others and “fight the good fight”. Plus, we all love a good rally, don’t we? (see above) But beware of the Lesbian Liars! Specifically, those who claim to practice paganism or are overly extremist about activism, because in my experience it all turns out to be about as genuine as K-Stews heterosexuality. Karma is a cat named Professor McGonagall.
“JK Rowling? What an intolerable bigot.”
Lesbians everywhere found our first friends in the Harry Potter series, stanning Luna Lovegood and hoping Hermione and her queer-coded cat Crookshanks might turn out to be End-Game. Sadly, the aggressive accusations in recent years thrown at JK Rowling questioning her allyship are embarrassing us all. We’ve been blessed with years of acceptance, support and allyship from the children’s author and to see her harpooned is why you don’t see many other public figures standing for us as lesbians. Rowling’s focus is the rights of women and girls, plus supporting the rights of little lesbians like me to be same-sex-attracted without fear of being shouted at by a “Penised individual”, knowingly taking constant hits speaking up for us. She’s one of our strongest allies and, for that, she has our unending gratitude. Always.
“F**”
See, I can’t even write it out. The F word when referring to gay men is out of order and homophobic. Kind of like I can say the word Dyke (if I’m joking and only to fellow lesbian friends) but straight people definitely, definitely can’t. It’s our N-word. We can say it, but please don’t follow our lead.
“Veganism is so over.”
I ran an experiment recently where I asked 100 lesbians I didn’t know if they were or ever had been a vegan. The results were that 88 said yes, and I also got more than a few speeches on the importance of veganism. The stereotype that all lesbians are vegan is apparently not unfounded. Bring on the… Bananas? (No, I’m not making a phallic joke)
I could go on and on but those are my top ten never-heard phrases in lesbian-land. If you need me, I’ll be watching Gentleman Jack in a trilby hat with my spoiled cat. Ah, how sweet it is to be the stereotype! Don’t knock it ‘till you’ve tried it, they’re classics for a reason.
