Someone is pulling a Walter White and cooking meth. Look, everyone has to make a living somehow. No, wait. That doesn’t look like meth. That looks like, grains? Are they making cereal? Oh, well, too late, because the cooker gets cooked when an unknown assailant runs him through with a spear.
Speaking of spears, Det. Jane Rizzoli feels one through her brain as she sees her mother primping in the café to attract male attention. Jane calls it weird watching her mother try to rebound and Dr. Maura Isles’ eyes wander down, secure in the thought that she doesn’t have to rebound from anything. All she wants is right in front of her.
Maura unleashes one of her legendary fun facts and tells Jane the average woman ingests seven pounds of lip stick in her lifetime. Now, is that the average lipstick lesbian or the average tomboy homicide detective? If we were talking how many pounds of Chapstick the average lesbian ingests in her lifetime, that’s another story. Jane gets mad because now she is thinking about how many pounds of Maura’s lipstick she has ingested over the years. Answer: So many, so so many.
Mama Rizzoli is flirting it up with Det. Lightening McQueen, from the auto theft division. Jane dislikes him because, really, have you seen his hair? She gives him all the side-eye in the world and we all agree. This guy looks like a dad of the bad guy in an 80s teen movie.
Jane and Maura go from one frying pan — the epic love triangle between Mama Rizzoli, Det. Lightening and Lt. Cavanaugh — to another as Rondo comes in trailing three homeless teens behind him. It’s Rondo’s Rejects, which as far as inspirational team names go ranks up there with the Bad News Bears.
Rondo wants them to get a little mentoring from Boston’s finest, but they seem less than enthused. Jane suggests in true cop tradition they get a doughnut and be on their way. One of the mentees, Dawg, says that’s fine by him because “I ain’t being mentored by no chick anyway.” Oh, yeah, Jane heard that.
She’s like, oh, it’s on now. You’re gonna be mentored and you’re gonna be mentored good — whether you like it or hopefully not. She signs Frost and Korsak up for duties for the chick adverse and say hello to your Subplot B.
On their way to the not-a-meth-cooker crime scene, Maura flexes her knowledge of ’80s pop culture by referencing the mentor relationships in Star Wars and The Karate Kid. And then she reveals her mentor was Agnodice, first female gynecologist. Of course she was, of course she was. Jane’s were Police Woman, Kojak and Jim Rockford. Of course they were, of course
Turns out our cooker was cooking beer. Well, now you’ve got Jane’s attention and the attention of lesbians everywhere. Kill a maker of fine microbews? How dare you, how dare you very much. The menfolk are temporarily distracted from the case by the beer company’s buxom poster girl. Jane gives it hardly a glance, she’s got The Rack of God to stare at whenever she wants, people. Why eat hamburger when you’ve got steak at home?
Jane and Maura do what they do — flirt over a dead body, this time while playing process of elimination about what the murder weapon could be. Korsak interrupts them — come on, dude, not cool — and they find what’s left of the murder weapon in the on-site mill. It’s a sharp pointy stick. Did Buffy lose Mr. Pointy?
In the office Frost and Korsak meet their new, mandatory mentees. One of them picks up Frost’s action figure, and teases him about his “doll.” No one touches Frost’s action without his permission, son. No one.
The sole girl of the group wants to watch an autopsy, and can you blame her? I’d want to be as close to Dr. Maura Isles as I could, too. The other rejects chime in saying they want to see an autopsy too. Jane gives them a smug smile and says, “Bet you wish you picked the chick detective now.” We all do, Jane, we all do.
In the autopsy room, Jane signals for Maura to cover up the dead guy’s junk. She doesn’t want to be accused of being the cause of the girl’s root. But as far as roots go, seeing a dead guy full monty might do it. Jane won’t let Little Maura watch Big Maura make the Y-incision, but they can examine the body. While doing so, they find a mental object inside his body. It’s a Nordic spear tip, or “crockpot” as Jane calls it. Maura smiles at her special detective lady friend the smile of a woman who loves everything down to the intentional mispronunciations of her girlfriend.
In the midst of discussing this week’s Red Herring No. 1 (Viking babe logos, biker clubs, Skullcrushers), a big red blinking alarm goes off. Oh, man, I hope it’s another Code Red and Jane and Maura have to get naked and shower together again. Please, please, please. Alas, it’s just a fire alarm and a false one at that. But Maura is taking no chances because her arms are full with the ceremonial masks from her office. She frets about leaving behind one of her masks and Jane is like, no — I told you we’d never role play with those so you should have left them all to burn.
One fake crisis over, another real crisis begins. Mama Rizzoli runs out and says her wallet has been stolen. It must have been those no-good kids. Never mind the dead speared dude, this is a case for Boston Homicide’s finest. Maura says she’s going to put her masks away to help, and Jane says she should put them in a safe. Unfamiliar, as always, as she is with sarcasm, Maura panics because she doesn’t have a safe. And Jane snaps that, ‘I told you for the last time, I want those masks to get stolen because we’re never role playing with them.” Or that’s what I heard. Mama R can’t help but laugh. She loves those Adorable Bickersons as much as we do.
While investigating Red Herring No. 1, Jane and Frost head into a biker bar. They meet Skullcrusher himself, who looks like Santa’s wayward little brother. He asks Jane if she rides bitch. Jane gives him a look. She rides a lady, but she’d never call her a bitch. Ahem.
Maura is puzzling over Viking runes and shares her findings with Jane. Something about Olaf the Boneless, which Jane thinks sounds like a lovely winter soup. Maura starts to prattle on about ancient Nordic lore and Jane’s eyes roll into the back of her head. I know she said earlier she’d never call Maura a bitch, but she certainly likes to bitch about her “fun facts.” But she likes to bitch even more about the discovery of seminal fluid and vaginal secretions at the crime scene. Jane calls it “the grossest trace evidence ever” and promises to say six Melissa Etheridges and 12 Ellen DeGenereses tonight to cleanse her soul of the impure heterosexual thoughts.
Before leaving she starts searching around for a “swabby thing” to bring with her to an interview. Maura is all, speak in specifics and Jane is all, I listen to your crock pots all day. It’s pretty much why I watch this show. Murder smurder, it’s all about the bicker.
Red Herring No. 2 is the victim’s wife, she thinks he was having an affair, which he was — with videogames. They find his secret bachelor pad where he geeked out and played a Viking MMORPG all day and night. Frost is all, dude had skills and Korsak is all, get a real hobby.
Back at Maura’s place, because we’ve dropped all pretense that these two don’t live together, the ladies come in with a pizza and more bickering. And in a sign of true domestic tranquility, they’ve halved the pizza toppings. Pepperoni for Jane. Mushroom for Maura. They bicker some more about getting pepperoni on their mushrooms and mushrooms on their pepperoni. I swear, real couples aren’t even this cute.
Their pizza night is interrupted by laughing from the courtyard. Mama R is getting some tonight. It’s Det. Lightening and he’s telling some joke about how non-manly having a lavender VW bug is. Har har. We could not hate him more. Jane and Maura pull a Scooby Gang with their heads around the door in disgust.
Jane asks Maura if she approved of such behavior and Maura jokes back that she insisted they both have one foot on the floor if heavy petting was involved. Jane fake laughs and then gives her girlfriend the dagger eyes. She next turns them on her mom who she asks to talk with. Maura makes like a sink and runs off with a slice of mushroom pie. She makes an excuse about having to charge her electric toothbrush. Oh, so that’s what the gay ladies are calling it these days? Well, you charge that “electric toothbrush” up real good, Maura. You’ll want it all ready because Jane will have a lot of, um, frustration to work off later.
Jane gives her mom the “it’s beneath you” talk about trying to hurt Cavanaugh and dating that drip. Mama R is so proud she give her Janey a gives her a big hug for the valuable life lesson learned. The next day at the café Mama R dials back the flirting, Maura tells Jane it’s a good sign that she’s not drawing attention to her mouth in an obvious sign of flirtation. Then she takes a big sip of her drink. In front of Jane. Drawing attention to her mouth.
Cavanaugh comes in and he and Lightening compare, uh, spear sizes. And I think Lightening calls Mama Rizzoli a “high-end Italian ride.” Ew. A million ews. Maura calls their gratuitous male display of preening “crotch blocking” and we all love her even more because, you know, she’s such a dork.
In Subplot B, the teenage rejects bring back the wallet and Little Maura comes clean about stealing it. She needed the money to buy a textbook and didn’t want anyone to know she lived in a shelter. Now, haven’t we all learned another valuable life lesson about assumptions and perceptions. Good, let’s move on.
In Maura’s office, the Runes scholar has arrived and he’s roughly the age and stature of Olaf the Boneless. Jane is all, why’d you bring Father Time and his outdated floppy disk jokes. Maura starts to explain what the professor is explaining and Jane begs her, “Please, one nerd at a time.”
They discover Olaf was having and affair and then Susie Blocker comes in and Jane has never been so happy to see someone interrupt her with Maura. But before she can run off, Father Time implores her to sit and have tea. He’s nowhere near done translating the love letters. Maura smiles and blinks at her like, “This is payback for that nerd comment, honey.”
Frost and Korsak track down the woman in the MMORPG Olaf was having an affair with. Turns out it’s an older lady, and the affair was never IRL. Yeah yeah, we get it, gamer nerds are silly for thinking an old lady is hot. Things take a turn for the decidedly less funny because said old lady gamer gets stabbed IRL by the jealous woman in Olaf’s life.
Jane comes in as Maura is examining the poor old lady’s body. She found a hair from the killer and begins to tell Jane about a new mass spectrometer technique for examining it. Jane tells her, “Faster, please” and we all forget about science for a few, blissful seconds. Yadda yadda yadda. The killer ate fermented whale and sheep’s head cheese from Scandinavia. Or just really, really liked shopping at IKEA. Jane’s face gets all scrunchy because who would want to assemble that much furniture with that damn L-shaped tool?
Right, so it was Olaf the beer maker’s assistant who killed him, because she was jealous of his online affair. And also has a hard time separating reality and fiction. Case solved everyone is, of course, back at the Isles Estates. And I mean everyone — Jane, Maura, Mama R, Rondo and his adorable rejects. They’re playing Monopoly because no one ever killed anyone while arguing about Park Place — hopefully.
Jane makes a joke about hiding the good silver and Maura says, “You pretend to be such a badass, but you’re really a pushover.” Butch on the streets, femme in the sheets, eh? Our Adorable Bickersons argue about the amount of garlic on the garlic bread and then look lovingly over at the juvenile delinquents. And they decide to adopt Little Maura on the spot because, man, do those two ladies want to be mommies.
And now on to your #gayzzoli tweets about domestic tranquility and couple bickering of the week.
Of course @mauraisles‘s mentor was a gynechologist #gayzzoli #RizzolionIsles
– iFlipForRizzles (@iFlipForRizzles) December 12, 2012
This girl Jane is “mentoring” is totally her and Maura’s child from the future. I wonder if she knows Sugar?? #rizzoliandisles #gayzzoli
– Mary Di (@Marsquale) December 12, 2012
Does the release form include the eye!sex those two are doing in front of the kid? #justwondering #gayzzoli #RizzoliandIsles
– Simonetta Pastorini (@TheComet13) December 12, 2012
Raise your hand if you’re surprised Jane is bad at being someone’s bitch. *crickets* That’s what I thought. #gayzzoli #rizzoliandisles
– Liv Moreno (@Adm_Hawthorne) December 12, 2012
The average woman eats 7lbs of lipstick in lifetime. Wonder how much that # increases if the person they kiss wears lipstick too? #gayzzoli
– Christin (@christinc1) December 12, 2012
Suzie Blocker is back. Someone put a bell on that woman’s neck!#gayzzoli#RizzoliandIsles
– Keira Rodriguez (@KeiraNY) December 12, 2012
Maura going to plug in her electric toothbrush HAS to be code for something else, right?RIGHT??#gayzzoli
– Rae (@purplerae329) December 12, 2012
I’m not gonna get in their business or anything but, I just wanna know if Jane is even still paying rent on her apartment #gayzzoli
– Clarissa(@Clarrissssa) December 12, 2012
Can we please not pull a Castle and wait 500 years before putting the two lead characters together? #RandI #gayzzoli
– Ann Howard (@Ann_Howard) December 12, 2012
I think I might spend my study breaks over the next week thinking of creative ways to make Casey disappear #gayzzoli
– Jackie (@patches_13) December 12, 2012
