“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (4.05): Pencil skirts and power tools and head kisses, oh my!
This is not a drill, people. Not a drill. Det. Jane Rizzoli is wearing a skirt. I repeat, Det. Jane Rizzoli is wearing a skirt. Brace yourselves, we have exposed knees. There are smelling salts in the back for anyone who was stricken with the vapors. But it’s not women who have gone hysterical at the sight of Jane in her pencil skirt and silky blouse. Frost and Korsak both are in need of the fainting couch as Jane comes in dressed for court. Men, such slaves to their fragile emotions.
Frost tells Jane she won’t even have to testify in court if she shows the judge her knees. Jane looks back with a smile and says, “The judge is a woman. She won’t even have to see my knees. I’ll just say ‘Your honor’ from another room and, boom, case closed.'” Please, like Jane doesn’t know the effect her voice has on gay ladies. Speaking of gay ladies, back at the Isles Estates Maura is missing one slinky pencil skirt from her closet. You know Jane borrowed that skirt. Sharing clothes is one of the Top 3 perks of being a lesbian. The other perks being the amount of money saved on never having to buy birth control and, of course, other ladies.
Hope arrives at Maura’s doorstep with coffee. Like, not in a cup all warm and ready to drink or anything, but two bags of coffee beans. I hope those are magic beans because last time we saw her weren’t she and Maura on some shaky ground. Something about her accepting Paddy’s drug money to open her medical clinics. But, hey, who hasn’t heard of the magical healing power of coffee beans. Luckily Maura already has espresso brewing in some fancy contraption I can’t spell and won’t bother to Google. These recaps take time. I can’t go and research every complicated thing that comes out of Maura’s mouth. I’d never get past the first five minutes.
Fine, fine, it’s a La Pavoni machine made by a company founded in 1905 by Desiderio Pavoni. Jesus, now I get what Jane keeps saying about being with the human Wikipedia. But the Wikipedia apple didn’t fall far from the Britannica tree as Maura and Hope exchange obscure factoids about espresso. They then lament Cailin’s unrefined love of goopy syrups. It’s like she was raised by Appalachian hill folk. Maura claims she loved corn syrup as a child, but no one believes it. We all know she has been drinking Perrier from a straw since kindergarten. Hope says she wishes that she knew little Maura, and that big Maura knew old Paddy. Hope says he was thoughtful, smart and unbelievably kind — except, you know, for all the murdering. Maura stares wistfully at the drawing her biological mobster dad drew of her biological grieving mother over her supposed infant grave. As far as wall art goes, I suppose it’s better than hanging an M.C. Escher reprint, but no less confusing. Maura admits that sometimes she can see that kind, thoughtful, smart man when Paddy looks at her. Then promptly burns herself on her La Pavoni as penance for saying such a thing about a man who has no problem blowing up women and children so he can get a better price on the street for his cocaine. I’m sorry, did I jump ahead in the story? Whoops, when there’s a crime plotline I actually care about I get a little excited.
Where were we? Oh, Maura burned herself. Hope goes into instant mothering/doctor mode and pulls out some hemostatic trauma gauze she happens to be carrying in her purse. I think my mom has mints and a nail file in her purse, so that seems normal. Maura questions her mother about Paddy. Hope says she won’t go to his trial and won’t talk about that $2.5 million he gave her to start her little international aid organization.
We could get into an in-depth conversation about whether certain crimes are ever justified as a benefit to the greater good. But right now I just want to talk about Det. Jane Rizzoli in that skirt. Look, I know we all struggle internally with our physical lust for Angie Harmon and our mental anguish over her sometimes opposing political views. But, damn, girl. Frost was right — it’s her, um, knees. Jane is getting prepped for her court appearance. Lt. Cavanaugh is there, too. Hey, did you know back in the day Paddy Doyle was Cavanaugh’s confidential informant? Whaaaaat? And now he’s dating the mother-in-law of Paddy’s biological daughter? It’s a small world after all.
Korsak knew about it because they worked in the drug unit together back in the day. Then he gets sentimental about Cavanaugh’s wife and son, who died in 1993 when they were killed in a gas fire. Wait, wasn’t the flashback at the beginning of the episode from 1993 with someone busting a gas line in a house where a lady and her son returned? Also, either that child is the descendant of giants or that is some terrible, terrible Photoshop. Jane gets called away by Maura because — we all know there doesn’t need to be a because. She finds her in her no-shoes yoga room. I don’t think we knew that Maura had a yoga room before and curiously Jane acts like she didn’t either. But that’s understandable considering all the time they spend in the bedroom instead.
Jane plops down next to Maura on the mat, with a thud. They talk about Hope and ethics and the yoga pose to end all problems. I know something you can do to make all problems melt away, ladies. I mean, since you’re already on the floor being flexible and all. Maura is thinking the same thing, clearly, because she says they’ll have to move to a yoga colony in Pune (pronounced Poon-a, which sounds like, oh you know) to find said pose. Ladies, you don’t have to move to India for some poon. You’re alone together on a padded floor, for God’s sake. Jane agrees and says she doesn’t want to move to poontown because she already lives in poontown.
Speaking of poontown, Papa Rizzoli is still living in his own version of it somewhere in Florida. Jane misses him, but knows she’d be over it as soon as she saw him snuggling with some blonde, and it’s always a blonde. Well, Maura has blonde highlights so, apples and trees and falling far from and such. Jane gets a call saying it’s time for court and Maura says she’s coming with because — we all know there doesn’t need to be a because. The trial goes swimmingly until Frost and Korsak run up during a break with news that the star witness is dead. His SUV was T-boned by a semi coming to the courthouse killing him and two U.S. Marshals. Jane makes a face like, “Seriously, I wore this skirt for nothing!” The prosecutor does his best Sam Waterston in court, yelling about truth, justice and the American way. For a second I thought I heard the “chung-chung” Law & Order closing sound. I wonder if Angie is having flashbacks. That they never had Abbie Carmichael, Alex Cabot and Olivia Benson together in the same room is one of the greatest missed opportunities of Dick Wolf‘s career.
The judge, who while she may well be a friend of Dorothy is also seemingly a friend of Paddy, grants him bail and gives the prosecutor only 48 hours to regroup. Everyone is arms-crossed mad in the detectives unit. As Maura examines the bodies, Jane says Paddy is always eight chess moves ahead and that’s where Maura gets her IQ points. Um, what about the world renowned humanitarian doctor whose DNA she also shares? Also I’m glad she takes her dressing tips from Hope’s side of her DNA because all those smart skirts and leather jackets are totally working for everyone. The prosecutor and Korsak run in with a break in the case. The retired arson investigator who died during a mugging recently was considering testifying against Paddy. He worked for Paddy back in the day, including possibly helping to set up the death of Cavanaugh ‘s family. But before he was apparently wacked he told investigators he had hard evidence against Paddy. Now they just have to find it. The prosecutor calls it his “hail Mary pass.” Oh, you’re using a sports analogy? Don’t worry, folks, the gay ladies got this.
Frost goes to interview his widow, but wants a woman with him to make her feel more comfortable. Jane is like, “But I don’t just make women feel more comfortable, I make them slip into a sex haze. You’ve heard my voice, right?” Maura says she’ll go instead, which isn’t much better because of the hair porn. You’ve seen her hair, right? So shiny, so so shiny. While they’re at the house, Frost and Maura go through some of his old files. They can’t find anything, until Maura communes with her inner motorhead. The widow says her husband called their Ford Granada their retirement nest egg. Maura knows the Blue Book on that hunk of junk is only like $500. So what’s making it so valuable? They’re bringing it into the police shop to find out.
Frost tells Maura to go get some food, and also make sure her girlfriend eats, too. See, Frost is almost as big a Rizzles fan as Frankie. Maura is like, come on now, you know I feed my woman. And then she goes off to eat a tempeh bacon burger while Jane eats a real bacon burger. But when they get to The Dirty Robber, Paddy and his crew are there eating greasy burgers and fries. This incenses Maura because how do we know that beef was locally sourced and grassfed? Maura storms over to him and says she wishes Jane had killed him. That’ll teach him to not eat organic.
It’s the dead of the night when Hope arrives at Maura’s place. Jane answers the door — obviously. They then all proceed to go into Maura’s closet to find her. Oh my God, is this the coming out intervention we’ve all been waiting for? Hope goes over to hug Maura, but is rebuffed. Maura says, “I don’t really like to be hugged, when I’m very upset.” Oh, really? How interesting. Jane knows better, of course. She takes Hope for a nice spot of tea in the kitchen, secure in her knowledge that she remains the only one who can soothe Maura in her moments of need. Jane asks Hope if Maura turned out how she’d imagined. Hope says better. Even though she ate all the Girl Scout cookies, Thin Mints first. I mean, the woman is a genius, she knows what order to eat her Girl Scout cookies.
Hope asks what she can do for Maura, besides make tea. Maura says go back 37 years and sleep with a different man. Jane butts in like, “Whoa, whoa. I know he’s a mobster murderer and all, but he made you. So, there’s that.” She punctuates it with a group hug. Take a look at this amazing family portrait, folks. Yes, don’t worry, I saw the head kiss. The world saw the head kiss. Not a couple, my ass. Jane and Maura walk in the next morning together, per usual, with freshly bought coffees in hand. Guess they didn’t bother to brew Hope’s not-so-magical beans. They’re still looking through evidence and Maura asks what she should do if Cavanaugh sees her. Jane says to use the old “menstrual cramps” excuse. I’m assuming this is because whenever Maura is having cramps she seeks Jane out for comfort and also to curse at her about their synced cycles.
The detectives crack Paddy’s code and discover he was only helping Cavanaugh as his CI to put the heat on the Columbians who were running all the cocaine at the time. By taking them out, Paddy could then corner the market and get his cocaine for cheaper. Man, as if Cavanaugh wasn’t pissed enough at Paddy. Wait, where is Cavanaugh? They find him at The Dirty Robber trying to beat up Paddy, but instead getting a beat down himself. Jane restores order with nothing more than a raised index finger. Call it the Pointy Finger of Righteous Justice. They take him back to Maura’s place, where she’ll treat him to avoid a paper trail. Poor guy, he’s worried about getting blood on Maura’s couch.
But he’s also still furious and determined to kill Paddy with his bare hands. Buddy, that did not go so well just now. Your pulverized face proves that. How about another plan? Luckily, Maura has one. She pokes an unsuspecting Cavanaugh with a needle filled with a sedative. Jane looks at her like, “Note to self: Don’t make her angry. She’ll tranquilize a bitch.” With Cavanaugh out, they call Hope to watch over him and administer more sedative so they can go out to do more investigating. OK, so, welcome to the terrible idea train. Sure, leave a homicidal man with the woman who had a relationship and baby with the man who killed his family. This will surely end well. Let’s sit and watch.
But you know what, who cares if it all ends in heartbreak and regret. Because Hope coming means Jane and Maura get to go and be grease monkeys in coveralls. They notice the victim had a welding kit in his garage, and decide to take a closer look under his car. This is not a drill, people. Det. Jane Rizzoli is handling power tools. Jane cuts free the muffler, which had pieces of evidence from Cavanaugh’s house fire as well as photos and notes hidden inside. The evidence shows a witness saw a white male leave the house, which rules out the arson investigator who was black. The man also appeared to be on fire. Kind of like all of our pants after seeing Jane work those power tools under the car. Surveillance footage of Paddy and his gang the day after the fire shows only one person with bandages or signs of burns — that’d be Paddy himself. Twist! No wait, that’s not the twist. The twist is Maura notices hemostatic trauma gauze on Paddy’s neck which means, Hope helped him afterward. TWIST! But not really, because we all know she had questionable ethics when it came to Paddy and accepting large anonymous financial donations.
Maura goes to confront her. Taking blood money from your mobster boyfriend is one thing. Patching him up after he blows up a cop’s wife and child, the same cop who is on the couch right now, is another. Also, talk about your family drama. The man dating your mother-in-law had his family killed by the man who is your biological father, and your biological mother helped him get away with it. Also, your mother-in-law practically turned you in to the man on the couch just last week. So no big family picnics in the near future then. Hope claims Paddy swore he’d never hurt women and children. OK, but believe it or not, men are people, too. So perhaps a “Don’t kill people, period” promise would have been a better one to make. Maura tells Hope her deal with the devil has come due, and now she must testify against Paddy. And don’t forget, Hope, if Angry Maura doesn’t get her way, there’s always Mr. Needle.
In the courthouse, Jane and Maura are waiting for Hope to show up. Korsak arrives, surprised Cavanaugh isn’t there yet. Seriously, you guys, why is no one keeping an eye on him? Like put a little bell on him like a cat, anything. Just don’t let the man who wanted to kill the man who killed his family less than 24 hours ago roam free with a firearm.
See, I told you so. Cavanaugh is beating the crap out of Paddy in the men’s bathroom. He’s pistol whipping him with no one around. Seriously, not Paddy’s lawyer, not Paddy’s police escort, no one is keeping an eye on him? All I can say is Cavanaugh is damn lucky no one has to pee right now. Jane, Maura and Frost come running in. But Cavanaugh is bound and determined to save taxpayers from having to pay for a lengthy trial. While it’s a thoughtful gesture, it’s possibly not as cost effective as he thinks. Because if he kills Paddy, then the state of Massachusetts would just have to pay for his first-degree murder trial instead. Yeah, so maybe put the gun down?
Maura, being a doctor, knows just what kind of injury that will hurt Paddy the most. So she goes up to her biological father, still in Cavanaugh’s clutches, and tells him the woman he has lived for all these years is about to be lost to him forever. That’s right, Hope is about to testify against him in court. Guess $2.5 million in blood money doesn’t buy as much loyalty as you thought. The look on Paddy’s face convinces Cavanaugh to put down his gun and let justice and loneliness take its course. Paddy is lead back to court in handcuffs with a gaping head wound that I guess no one is going to talk about. Paddy passes Hope in the hallway and Maura gives a sly smile through it all. It’s not often you get congratulated for breaking up your parents, but in this case I think they’re definitely due.
Our gals head out to The Dirty Robber for another case-closed celebratory dinner date. But this time they also get to fete the reverse Parent Trapping of Maura’s biological family. Jane has her trusty Blue Moon at her side — seriously, is someone getting kickbacks for all this gratuitous product placement? We’ve seen this beer more than we’ve seen Jo Friday and Bass combined, and they’re supposed to be beloved pets. Regardless, Jane is using her Blue Moon to wash down some (begrudgingly admitted) tasty sweet potato fries. Maura’s tastes really are rubbing off on her. Next thing you know she’ll be ordering tofu scrambles with quinoa and edamame side salads. Jane says she can’t believe Cavanaugh almost killed Paddy. I can’t believe they didn’t arrest him for almost killing Paddy. Like, assault is still a crime, right? Even of a horrible murderous mob boss? Or at the very least put him on paid leave for a few days because that poor guy needs a vacation.
Maura says she knew, for a fact, Cavanaugh wasn’t going to pull the trigger. Jane is like, oh really, is there some study with a double-blind control theory to prove it? Maura pulls out her iPad all, well as a matter of fact there is this fascinating peer-reviewed study from the University of Reykjavik on violence in men’s rooms perpetrated by police veterans against crime bosses who killed their families. Jane narrows her eyes and is like, “Uh-uh!” and grabs her tablet. Yep, Maura was just shoe shopping. Jane teases Maura and says she won’t get back her iPad until she orders dessert and then everyone smiles and laughs because, ladies, you are most definitely taking a trip to poontown tonight.
And now for your #Gayzzoli tweets of the week. I’m not sure if you noticed, Internet, but HEAD KISS.
Jane needs to go to court every. single. episode. Especially when she’s working skirts like that. #Gayzzoli– Teresa (@TeresaTastic) July 24, 2013
Maura’s already on her knees and Jane is in a skirt, what more do they need? #gayzzoli– allison (@maurasrizzoli) July 24, 2013
“i’m coming with you” of course you are! #gayzzoli #RizzoliandIsles– Jessica R (@jesssssss_13) July 24, 2013
Jane! You did it wrong. You’re supposed to flop down on top of Maura! That’s my kind of yoga… #gayzzoli– *ISP (@inkstainedpinky) July 24, 2013
Some of us wish u would at least consider moving to Puna Jane. #Gayzzoli– JP Frank (@CthatPath) July 24, 2013
#ThatAwkwardMoment when see a #RizzoliandIsles novel in Barnes&Noble #ScreamLikeAFangirl pick it up and find no mention of Maura #gayzzoli– Stephania Duarte (@S324B21) July 24, 2013
Jane kisses Maura again. This is no longer subtext. Ships are sailing. #RizzoliandIsles #Gayzzoli– Shane Solo (@ShaneTashaARF) July 24, 2013
I never thought I’d see the day I’d be geeking out abt this show’s plot. I mean, lesbihonest. But, dang! #RizzoliandIsles #Rizzles #gayzzoli– bleugrass (@bleugrass) July 24, 2013
Everyone better be chugging!!! @JaneRizzoli with power tools:) #Gayzzoli– Ruth Davis (@ruthadavis) July 24, 2013
