(Howdy! I’ll be taking over the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. recaps for a few weeks. I promised Heather I would actually recap the show and not just write Skimmons fanfic, but IT WON’T BE EASY.)
Previously on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Hydra slithered out of the woodwork and took over, and Ward shot Agent Hand because Hollywood loves to kill lesbians and also HE’S EVIL.
We open on the Girl in the Flower Dress in boring blue flowerless prison outfit. She’s making origami when she hears a commotion. Ward shows up and gives her a present: a brand new flower dress. Looks like he’s springing her. (See what I did there?) Meanwhile, on the Bus, Skye reports that she has located some secure S.H.I.E.L.D. locations. Coulson asks, a hopeful lilt to his voice, if there are seven, but alas, there are three. Including the Hub. Coulson’s not ready to give up just yet, though. Even if Fury IS dead.
In Cuba, Ward takes the Girl in the Flower Dress to a barber shop to introduce her to The Clairvoyant aka Garrett. She looks a little shaken to be meeting him in real life, but he tells her that he doesn’t actually have any super powers at all; just really high level of security and a really low level of morality. He puts the artist in con artist, and she is far less than pleased. He asks if she remembers what their goal is, and she responds like a well-seasoned cult member: “To change the world.” He sits her in a barber’s chair and it sinks into the ground, apparently to a Hydra headquarters of some kind.
On the Bus, FitzSimmons are having their adorable banter, Simmons worried that she doesn’t know who to take orders from anymore. They seem to be a little more out of sync than they usually are, and I blame Triplett, who is lurking around Simmons like he’d rather have people calling for TripSimmons or Simlet instead. The government calls Coulson and tells him that they’re sending in some Peacekeepers and he thanks them politely and says goodbye, but he read The Hunger Games trilogy, and he’s not about to stick around until they show up. He tells his team to get ready to go, because they’re getting the hell up out of there.
Triplett skips up and is ready to board, when Coulson is like, “Yeah, no, you’ve been up Garrett’s butt for goodness knows how long, there’s no way we can just blindly trust you.” But Simmons gives Coulson her big innocent puppy dog eyes and says, “But I blindly trust him, can’t you? Please? I swear my trust isn’t TOTALLY blind. Just, like, legally blind.” And no one can resist Jemma’s face, so he relents. But Triplett is her responsibility, and if he pees on the carpet, she’s cleaning it up.
Coulson finds Skye and asks her for some good news, and she tells him they have internet. He says “yay” awfully unconvincingly (yet adorably) and obviously he has never been out of wifi territory before. Even though that’s all the good news she can give him, Coulson is staying optimistic. He orders her to wipe them off the face of the internet. Erase them, the whole team. Skye asks if he’s sure-it’s something that can’t be undone. They’ll be Agents of Nothing. They will cease to exist. Kind of like Fury, but less dead. Coulson is sure and tells her to round up everyone’s badges.
Skye calls Ward to check on him, and tells them Team Coulson’s plans, because Ward has so successfully with his wolf in broody sheep’s clothing act. After he hangs up, he remembers that he has a bone to pick with Garrett-shooting Skye was never part of the plan. Even Evil Ward knows that she’s far too wonderful to kill. Garrett rolls his eyes and does not give two hoots. He finds the Girl in the Flower Dress, who tells him to call her Raina, and gives her some vials of goo to test to see if any of them are the Jesus Juice that brought Coulson (and now Skye) back from the dead (or the brink of death). Ward also has Skye’s hard drive, so they’ll get some information off of that too. Then the world shall be theirs! Bwahaha!Back on the Bus, Skye finds Coulson in his office and turns in the team’s badges. She says, “Simmons got choked up when I asked for hers” and I am extremely disappointed we didn’t get to see the scene with her trying to tug it out of Simmons’ reluctant hands. Last, Skye hands over her own badge, which she earned like three minutes ago. Coulson starts to put them all in his safe when one of them starts to glow. He takes his badge back out and sees that it’s flashing a message like some sort of Dumbledore’s Army coin. The numbers that appear seem to be coordinates that would lead them right into the Canadian Wilderness. Coulson things they’re from Fury, despite the fact that he’s so very dead.
Evil Ward does some info dumping on Raina, talking about how he has been tricking Coulson’s team all this time, how he had to get EXTRA close to May because she was the toughest nut to crack, and how he became Skye’s S.O. to keep an eye on her, since she was unpredictable. But all that time, his true loyalty was with Garrett.
Speaking of loyalty, May is worried about Coulson’s. Not his conscious loyalty, no one in their right mind would doubt that, but there’s always the possibility that Hydra planted something in Coulson’s brain and is controlling him. At least, that’s what Fury thought, before he died a deadly death.
At the Fridge, which is either seriously misnamed, or can hold a crapton of cheese and beer, Ward and Garrett run into a little snafu trying to get in without Hand. A helicopter shows up and starts shooting at them, so the guards reluctantly let them in, figuring they can break protocol this one time just to save a fellow Agent’s life. Ward thanks them for saving his life by SHOOTING THEM IN THE FACE.
Evil Ward and Not-A-Clairvoyant break into someplace called the “toy store” aka a collection of things that were totally supposed to have been destroyed but weren’t because power and magic are tempting even to the goodliest good guys.
Coulson gives his team (and Tagalong Triplett) the option to follow him or not, but of course they all do, and they set out to follow the coordinates, adorably bundled. Simmons and Fitz have an almost-bonding moment, where Simmons assures Fitz that they’ll always have each other while simultaneously warning them that nothing will ever be the same. Skye catches up with May and asks if she thinks Coulson is okay, and May isn’t sure; Fury, before he ceased to be alive, was worried about Coulson finding out the truth, afraid he’d break. They both look at him nervously when, sure enough, he straight-up snaps. He is desperate for the coordinates to mean something, desperate to not let his team down, desperate to not be an Agent of Nothing. In the midst of his tantrum, he throws his badge, which is shot to oblivion by a distant relative of the Dalek. When Coulson presents himself to the gunbot, it welcomes him and opens a door.
Over in the Fridge, Ward uses one of their new toys to shoot a hole in the floor to get some super secret device, which makes Garrett very happy. Raina comes up to them to report that Skye had set up the hard drive to destroy everything on it if anyone besides her tried to access it, which means Ward is going to have to slip on the sheep’s clothing once again.
When Team Coulson (and Triplett) enter the door the gunbot let them into, Patton Oswalt shows up, and welcomes them to a secret S.H.I.E.L.D. base. Patton calls it Providence, but technically it just called the Secret S.H.I.E.L.D. base. He tells them that they can all earn lanyards if they’re on their best behavior and don’t eat any of the everlasting gobstoppers, and confirms that Fury is in fact super-dead, never made it out of D.C. He also says there were some issues at the Fridge, which makes Skye call Ward because she doesn’t know that every drop of worry wasted on him could be used on literally anything else and be more productive. Like on how she’s going to get rid of Triplett so she can date Simmons.
Patton pulls Coulson into his office, away from his team, and tells him JUST KIDDING Fury isn’t really dead! He just wants everyone to think he is. Except Maria Hill. And Captain America. And of course Coulson. Coulson wants to tell his team, but Patton says that they’re not all cleared yet.
Garrett, who seems to have slapped on one of those Deathlok-technology armor thingies on his ribcage, tells Ward to get the information from Skye quickly, or Garrett is coming in to do things the messy way. When Ward shows up at Providence, Skye greets him, looking as cute as ever. Skye flirty-faces at him, and he two-faces back at her. Meanwhile, Quinn (who will forever be The Dude Who Shot Skye…or Jennifer Love Hewitt‘s husband in Ghost Whisperer) is released from his cell and is FURIOUS. Garrett is not fazed in the least, and says he has a gift for Quinn that will make him quit his bitching. He brings him to a box of gravitonium, a.k.a. the silvery blob of danger and mayhem.
Next week, Amy Acker rejoins the Whedonverse, someone makes Skye cry, and hopefully Amy Acker’s character kills whoever made Skye cry.
What did you think of “Providence”?
Here are some of our favorite #superqueeros tweets from this week:
He has a parking space for a plane in the middle of snowhere! #superqueeros
– Chen Drachman (@shokoshik) April 16, 2014
“I’m everyone’s type” guess ward hasn’t seen the #superqueeros hashtag #AgentsofSHIELD
– julia sparkles (@tokaikko) April 16, 2014
I like plans where Ward gets beat up. #superqueeros
– Molly (@OnlyForRophy) April 16, 2014
Fuck Skye, this is why we can’t have nice secret bases. #Superqueeros #AgentsofSHIELD
– anh62950 (@anh62950) April 16, 2014
Phil Coulson: Agent of SHIELD. Status: shit completely lost. #superqueeros
– Michael Jones (@Oneminutemonkey) April 16, 2014
…but Jemma and Skye probs know their way around Narnia Budum tshhh #AgentsofSHIELD #superqueeros
– Ruth (@ruthosaurus) April 16, 2014
Should we really walk around wearing the logo of what is now deemed a terrorist organization? #superqueeros
– nerdgirl (@nerdgirlwalking) April 16, 2014
Excuse you, douche, “The Scientist” has a name #superqueeros #AgentsofSHIELD
– Catherine (@CMeushaw) April 16, 2014
Do you want to build a snowman? #superqueeros
– Molly (@OnlyForRophy) April 16, 2014
Hmm. Methinks Skye’s walk right now is most definitely a gay strut. Just sayin’. #superqueeros
– Tammy (@tylynn_sings) April 16, 2014
if jemma knew ward was giving raina skye’s blood work I think she’d punch him and I’d pay a lot to see that #superqueeros #AgentsofSHIELD
– julia sparkles (@tokaikko) April 16, 2014
