The Hook Up: 10-7-2010

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now, with a brief week-long break a couple months ago. Our relationship has been a bit of a roller coaster. I’m the first girl she’s ever dated, which isn’t really the issue, but may be adding to the craziness. The real "problem" is that she’s unbelievably eager to jump into life-long commitment. This may be due to the fact that the last guy she dated she was set on marrying. Or maybe because she’s a little (very) insecure.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m crazy about her, but she freaks every time my ex texts me (she’s still adjusting to the lesbian world of ex’s as friends) or if even a guy chats me up. (I mean, really?)

So I guess I’m looking for ways to finally quell her worrisome self, because the stress that comes with it is pretty rough. I’m 100% committed to her but she doesn’t seem to believe our relationship could really be so solid. And how do I make her stop talking about marriage? I would love to some day, but in my opinion we’re way to young to be thinking about that.

Tired in Texas

Anna says:

You’ve been together a year and she still doesn’t trust you? That’s worrisome, Tired — especially since the lesbian learning curve is usually quite steep. The ex texts are a level 101 course in Lez Ed, coming right before, I think, Flannel 102: Have the Hipsters Stolen Our Identity? Assuming you haven’t given her genuine cause to be alarmed or jealous, it sounds like she’s suffering from plain ol’ insecurity, which is much less sexy, I’m afraid, than Ginsecurity, or fear of becoming straight when intoxicated.

Quelling an anxious lover is no easy feat. For some newbies, especially ones who are on the marriage and/or baby track, it can be nerve-wracking not knowing where a relationship is headed. Reassure her that you’re crazy about her, but that you’re also not ready to pick out matching grave plots or anything. Ask her what it is about marriage that she’s so stoked about. Is it the commitment? The public declaration of love? The Crate and Barrel gift registry? Some people get so caught up in the idealism of weddings/marriage that they fail to see that they pretty much already have everything, minus the crystal gravy boats, probably.

Your girlfriend, I’m guessing, doesn’t spend a lot of time pursuing her own hobbies or hanging out with friends. She needs to start, like, yesterday. The busier someone is, the less needy they are. Of course, don’t go signing your girlfriend up for Didgeridoo lessons just to get her off your back, but I think you catch my drift. If you are always available to her, make yourself less so. Adding some space into your relationship will help her see that you each have your own lives that need maintaining.

Good luck!