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Dylan Gelula on playing the lesbian lead in “First Girl I Loved”

After premiering at Sundance, First Girl I Loved has started to make its way around the festival circuit. The film sees 17-year-old Anne (Dylan Gelula) falling in love with fellow high schooler Sasha (Brianna Hildebrand), only to have that relationship complicated by gay panic and the feelings of Anne’s best friend, Clif (Mateo Arias). Most notably, the movie has sparked some controversy by tackling the issue of sexual consent.

Star Dylan Gelula is currently busy with auditions and trying her hand at writing movie scripts, but she took the time to talk to us about First Girl I Loved, the film’s most controversial scene, her newfound queer fan base and more.

via Getty

Warning: Spoilers ahead

AfterEllen.com: What was it about this script and the character of Anne that made you want to get involved with First Girl I Loved?

Dylan Gelula: That’s the craziest thing. It just happens to be amazing. Like I’m not in any position to choose projects. I auditioned for this, and they chose me.

AE: Well putting that aside, what was it about the script and Anne that you liked so much?

DG: I very rarely get to read female characters that are three-dimensional, flawed, but rational people. So I was incredibly lucky there. I didn’t think I was going to get it because it’s like the lead in a movie. So I just was excited to talk to the guy who wrote this. Because I was like, “Oh, this person’s brilliant and interesting. I’d love to get coffee with them.” That coffee turned into an audition, which turned into another audition, another audition, and then I got to be part of it.

AE: I’m sure in a couple of months that modesty will start to fade away, but it’s nice to see it now.

DG: Then I’ll be a monster!

AE: So I’m sure you’re aware of all the love Haley and Gracie got for their roles of Brenna and Greer on Chasing Life. Was there a part of you that was looking for that special kind of fan love for your role in First Girl I Loved?

DG: Oh my gosh! Haley and Gracie. I don’t know. I don’t know that I was looking for any kind of fan love. Her sexuality is just one part of who she is, and I was just excited to play such a complex character.

AE: But now that the film’s out there, have you received that kind of love from that special segment of the population that just loves it when actresses take on queer characters and put their all into it?

DG: Definitely. I mean I’ve gotten to talk to a lot of queer women who this movie has meant a lot to. And that’s been the most moving part of this whole thing, was to talk to them. Women don’t get to see their own experiences in film, ever, let alone queer women. Jesus Christ. So to talk to them and that my performance has meant anything to them has been unbelievable. It has made me cry many times. And they keep like wanting to end the conversation and I keep like just wanting to talk to them.

AE: What do you think it is about Sasha that Anne finds so intriguing?

DG: She’s cute, and she’s funny and like she’s a cool girl. It makes sense why Anne would be into her. They hit it off. They have sort of like an unspoken natural chemistry in the way that you just do the first time you talk to somebody who’s right for you.

AE: Since you seem to have a bit of a crush on Anne, can you tell me what it is about her that you think captured Sasha’s interest?

DG: I think Anne maybe represents a lot of the things that Sasha’s insecure about, like maybe her intelligence, or her worldliness, or culture, or whatever. Anne sort of wears her interests on her sleeve in terms of like her interest in art and fashion. So she sounds sort of exotic to Sasha, I would say.

Dylan Gelula and Brianna HilderbrandPhoto by Randy Shropshire/Getty Images

AE: I also want to talk about Clif’s role in all of this. Do you believe Anne really was unaware of Clif’s crush on her? Do you think she was being purposely oblivious, or is she just that innocent?

DG: I think she did see it. I think that Anne is too smart. And there’s a line where Clif says, “Don’t make me say it. You know.” And she knows. But it’s kind of like if you don’t talk about it, maybe it’ll go away, and his love means so much to her. She just wants his love to a point, you know, and that’s what’s so devastating.

AE: It’s hard to understand why Anne had sex with Clif for so many reasons. She was a virgin; she’d just explained that she’s gay, that she had a crush on a girl, and she knows Clif is into her and that she doesn’t feel the same way. And then, of course, there’s the issue of consent that comes up later. How do you explain it as the person interpreting this character?

DG: I would say that she didn’t make the decision to. I think the pain was because she didn’t have a choice in the matter. There’s this thing called “tonic immobility” that happens to trauma survivors where you don’t fight, and you don’t run, you just sort of play dead and it’s your body’s response to danger. And that’s often what happens in these sort of date rape situations where you just don’t have the language to get out of it. You sort of decide, “My best case scenario is to just get through this.” And I think a lot of her pain comes from she absolutely didn’t want to have sex with Clifton. And she didn’t have sex with him. It takes two people to have sex.

AE: Have you been a part of any audience question and answer sessions where consent was what was discussed?

DG: I’ve spoken with a lot of women who have shared with me like, “I had an experience like that in high school.” I think you’d be hard pressed to find a lot of women who haven’t. I remember I was talking about it with Kerem [Sanga] one time where he was saying, “I didn’t really know why everything happened as it did. I just knew it was emotionally true.” Because I remember talking to him like, “How did you know beat for beat how that kind of situation would happen?” Because it was so accurate. We were talking about how you can’t really tell the story of a young girl without that scene in there somewhere.

Some women have definitely shared with me that they saw their own experience in that. And it’s gotten a lot of people talking, which I think is really great. Just to be forced to look at it from the point of view of the girl.

AE: Have you received or heard about any kind of resistance to this plot point? Particularly from queer women, let’s say.

DG: I think the questions like “How would you allow yourself to be in that situation?” create the culture of shame for rape survivors.

AE: Absolutely.

DG: I think that she didn’t allow anything. For lack of a better term, we live in a rape culture. We don’t teach—there’s no way to get out of that situation. She was just completely tongue-tied and in over her head. This is the first major trauma in her life probably. I don’t think it has any bearing on her sexuality because that wasn’t a sexual experience for her. She’s gay. She wants to have sex with girls. She says that to Clifton. She says, “I don’t want to fuck you. I want to fuck her.”

AE: Thank you for bringing some clarity to that scene.

DG: Also, so many queer are rape survivors at the hands of men. It doesn’t mean they aren’t queer women.

AE: Absolutely, absolutely. And on a bit of a lighter note, one thing we can say about Anne is that by the film’s end she’s a young woman who’s comfortable with her sexuality. Do you think she had to go through the heartache with Sasha and that situation with Clif to get to that point that quickly?

DG: I don’t know. I’d like to think she would get there no matter what, but I guess maybe not. Maybe you can’t get to a place of resilience without the sort of—it was definitely a light at the end of the tunnel kind of thing. Like she’s going to get through all of this, and she’s totally gay.

AE: It helps to have other queer figures around you too, like with the character of Jasmine [played by Cameron Esposito]. I guess we’ll never know what would happen without those influences around her, but the point is she gets there.

DG: She’s known that she is gay. Like she starts the beginning of the film very much knowing who she is into and what her identification is. I just think just the courage to say it out loud is where she gets to.

Photo by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images for Sundance Film Festival

AE: A fun question now. So I’m a fan of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, and it wouldn’t surprise me at all, it probably wouldn’t surprise you, if Xanthippe were to take a dip in the lady pond. And maybe she has, or she probably has at least lied about it at some point even if she hasn’t. That show’s already very gay, but would you be up for making it even gayer? If they said, “We’re going to soften Xanthippe up by giving her a great girlfriend,” would that be something you’re totally on board with?

DG: Totally. I mean if you look at the numbers of gay characters on television they’re probably very slim. So another one could not hurt, ever. As far as me personally, I don’t care. I’m not attracted to whomever I’m making out with on camera ever anyway, so I don’t really care what gender they are.

AE: Finally, bringing it back to First Girl I Loved, what are your hopes for the film from an audience reception perspective?

DG: On its surface, outside of all of the social issues, it’s just a great movie. Kerem is a great filmmaker. But it would mean a lot to me for young women to see it, specifically young queer women. Just because I know how little I’ve see my own experiences onscreen and how powerful representation in the media can be for the mental health of girls.

First Girl I Loved will play in Toronto on June 3 as part of the Inside Out LGBT Film Festival. Visit the movie’s Facebook page for news of future screenings.

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