Lesbianing with AE! How to exit gracefully after a one-night stand


Photo: Getty Images

I had a one-night stand with a straight girl and now she won’t leave me alone! We hooked up at a friend’s wedding (lesbian fantasy unlocked!) and since we live in different states it was obviously a one-time thing. It was fun and all and she had a good time in bed. But now that we’re both back home she is reaching out a lot and it’s getting on my nerves. She followed all my social accounts and slid into my DMs. I don’t want to be friends, or even sleep with her again (really, the sex was me indulging my slutty bridesmaid fantasies), but I don’t want to be rude since I might see this girl again if she comes to visit my friend or my friend has a baby & there’s a shower, etc. How can I be polite but firm in getting her to back off?

-Been There, Done That


Call me old-fashioned if you want, but I don’t think you need to be a dick to someone you slept with to let them know you’re no longer interested. Seriously, it is so easy to ghost or act like you dgaf, people act like it’s the only option. But as you now know, ignoring someone takes a lot of energy when they keep trying to get in touch.

You’re entitled to do whatever you want on social media and you don’t need to be friends with this woman. But before you block her, consider this:

What happened was clear to you. It was a one-night stand. But what if for her it was something else entirely? What if she’s questioning her sexuality and wants someone safe to talk about it with, or considering coming out as bisexual or lesbian? What if sleeping with you was her way of fulfilling long-held, long-contained desires that are just now (bad pun) coming out for her to deal with? What if she just really thinks your awesome and wants to stay in touch?

If she’s reaching out to you for something like this, do you really want to shove her away? Odds are you’re the lady-slayer you are today because a few gay ladies made time and space for you when you were first coming out questioning, or closeted. They were patient and kind with your baby dyke questions and issues.

Photo: Getty Images
Photo: Getty Images

In our community, we pay it forward.

Likewise, you were into this girl enough on the night in question to fulfill your own fantasy (which you bragged about twice, BTDT). Now the very notification of a message from her has you eye-rolling. Maybe rather than politely push her away, you push back on yourself. What’s with the urge to take what you want (a fantasy ticked off the bucket list), but be ticked off when there are consequences? What’s really at stake for you in letting her follow you on social media?

Now if you still want no part of this woman, go ahead and deny her requests, mute her on Twitter, send her emails to spam etc. The bare minimum that’s required to be polite is to acknowledge her and explain that you lack the time/interest to stay connected. A brief email telling her you wish her the best and you enjoyed the time you spent together but as they say on reality tv, you weren’t there to make friends, should suffice.

Do you have a burning question for Lindsey? Email our Editor at memoree@afterellen.com with  “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line and see your question answered in a future post!