10 Things All Happy Couples Do

 

10 Things All Happy (LESBIAN) Couples Do, Sarcasm Edition. 

Be completely honest

If you really love each other, you should be able to be utterly truthful while not saying anything less than flattering. That means no criticism—ever. If you find authentically express yourself while only saying nice things difficult, have you considered that you’re just a negative person?

Binge-watch together

If she’s not around, you can’t watch Batwoman or any other show you both enjoy. You must instead save those for when you are together. By emphasizing shared experiences, you effectively cripple your opportunities for enjoying life alone.

Share friends

The couple that has friends together, stays together! You don’t like her friend? VETO. She doesn’t like your friend? VETO. Ending friendships your girlfriend doesn’t approve of is a wonderful way to whittle down each other’s outside relationships, slowly but steadily isolating each other.

Encourage unrealistic dreams

Does your partner have a dream she has done nothing to pursue? Of course she does. You do too. Why not fan the flames on that implausible idea so that she’s tempted to give up her stable, pleasant, rational career path in favor of reckless “creative” searching? Don’t worry that money troubles might strain your relationship; you’re so much stronger than that.

Establish a routine

Sex on Tuesday, clean the floors on Wednesday. Nothing is hotter than the obligation established through a rigid routine.

Let yourself go

She loved you for who you are, not your awesome outfits. You love her for her soul, not her abs. True love means testing how little effort you can put into your appearance and still get laid.

Bring your pets into bed

My Siamese cat has a distinctive shrill whine, the presence of which adds certain “je ne sais quoi” to any orgasm. Whether you’re a dog, cat, ferret, hedgehog, hamster or lizard owner, consider putting their feelings before your sex life. They’ll thank you for it!

Move in together ASAP

If you like someone, you should want to spend every free moment with them. Liking your living situation is a flimsy excuse not to explore intimacy. No amount of personal stability and happiness should stand in the way of conjoining two happy people into one codependent entity.

Validate, validate, validate

Love means never challenging your partner’s beliefs, opinions or emotional crutches. If all feelings are valid, then it is your job to validate (and seek validation for) every emotion either one of you experiences. Pointing out irrationality or fallacy is flat out cruel. Comments like “This isn’t about you” or “Haven’t we talked about this enough?” are hurtful and must never, never, be thought, much less muttered aloud.

Talk about everything

Feeling kind of moody today? Talk about it. Did her affectionate teasing strike a nerve? Talk about it. Notice she had three glasses of wine last night? Talk about it. Still fuming over a childhood disappointment? Talk about it. Every minuscule thought or annoyance or emotion should be discussed, at length, with the utmost gravity. Anything less is repressive.