Previously on Mistresses, April told Zombie Paul to scram, Savi and Joss hugged and made up, Karen got busted by her dead ex-lover’s psychowife, and Alex and Joss decided to be girlfriends.
We open with Savi and Joss, trying to fix a leaky shower head. Savi is pretty lost because Harry usually handled…well, everything. Joss is pretty surprised that Savi had zero autonomy in her relationship, because when she was living alone for seven years, she got along just fine. Savi says Harry was “old fashioned” and Joss is even happier now that she’s dating a woman and not a caveman. Savi just feels defeated. Across town, April is dropping her daughter off at school. Lucy is embarrassed to be seen with her mother, which is absurd, because her mother is STUNNING, but she eventually gives in and blows a kiss. It’s adorable. Happy as can be, April turns to leave, when she sees Zombie Paul lurking about in his car. She’s so angry, she storms right by Hot Dad, who was beaming at her from his own vehicle.
April demands to know what on earth Zombie Paul was doing outside Lucy’s school. Zombie Paul says he just wanted to eat…errr, see his daughter again and he starts sobbing. April is not moved by zombie crocodile tears and tells him to go back to the hell-soaked lair he crawled out of. In her office, Karen is leaving Savi angry messages, because she didn’t show up to their daily meeting of the Terrible Decision Makers, so Karen hasn’t had the chance to complain about being accused of assisting a murder she actually did assist in committing. She storms out of the office in a huff and the adorable Overenthusiastic Receptionist tries to follow her. (I’m almost positive she was put there just so you weren’t tempted to change the channel because Karen was being so ridiculous.)
When Karen gets to Savi’s office, Savi quickly closes to door because she’s definitely not allowed to be talking about this case with her. Therefore, Karen starts shouting at her. See, she doesn’t quite realize that SOME people’s degrees weren’t printed off the internet, and therefore come with rules. When Savi refuses to break the rules with her, she storms off.
Joss is working prettily in her office when Olivier creeps up behind her. He has a task for her – a New York City couple is in LA for the weekend and he needs Joss to show them a good time so they will take them on as realtors. Joss is glad Olivier is finally realizing that she’s a huge asset to the company, but she already has a date with Alex tonight. Olivier then turns his accent up to full sleaze and asks if ze have become, how you say, lovahhs. Joss confirms with an adorable “oui oui.” Meanwhile, April is spilling coffee all over people at her shop, because her latest Zombie Paul encounter has left her frazzled. Hot Dad pops by for a visit, and since April has apparently been spending appropriate amounts of time away from her friends, she decides to tell him the truth right away. Hot Dad tries to be supportive, and says maybe she SHOULD just tell Lucy, so that they can contact the proper authorities, but April knows that the only thing worse than telling your daughter her father died, is telling your daughter that her father pretended to be dead to go live with another family.
Later, Joss pops into Olivier’s office and hands him three folders. She has planned out three possible evenings for his big city couple, so Olivier doesn’t have to do anything but lead the way. He looks surprised and impressed, and finally puts his accent to good use by calling her “Josslyn” all fancy-like. He gives her a creepy once-over and tells her that she seems different, and she smiles proudly and says that maybe she is. Savi, despite being close friends with two other single women who she hasn’t asked for help yet, decides to call Harry about the leaky shower. He belittles her and spits, “You’re going to have to learn to do this stuff on your own.” Which makes me feel like even Zombie Paul or Stalker Sam would have been a better option than jumping right to the ex-husband solution. I mean, did she even TRY Googling the solution?
Anyway, Dom stops by because she seemed a little worn out at work, and he’s very sweet. They settle in, under the pretense of working from home.
Stalker Sam stops by Karen’s office and she not only lets him in, but she closes the door behind them, putting an opaque, solid barrier between her and safety. She doesn’t seem nearly as alarmed as I do when Sam starts to speak and is calm. Too calm. Sociopathically calm.
In the land of the not-about-to-get-murdered, Joss is getting glammed up for her date. And I do mean GLAMMED. Unfortunately, Alex calls and tells Joss she has to cancel her date because she’s sick. Joss should have gone over anyway, because I’m pretty sure that corset could cure any ailment. Instead, she calls Olivier and says she can help out with that work thing after all.
On her way out, Joss cuts through Savi’s kitchen and is less than pleased to find Dom there. She flat-out tells him that she’s Team Harry and that she won’t be moved by his extra-sultry voice. He swears they’re just friends, but Joss doesn’t buy it and her sister-claws come out. Silly Dom is not nearly as intimidated as he should be, and carries on as he was, not knowing that if he gets between Harry and Savi, Joss will probably literally castrate him.
Hot Dad decides that April is too sweet to give Zombie Paul the verbal decapitation he needs to be gone for good, so he goes to do it himself. Zombie Paul isn’t having it, and even goes so far as to tell Hot Dad it’s only a matter of time before April takes him back. The testosterone gets the better of them, so they stop using their words and duke it out.
Dom gets a little peckish at Casa Davis and Savi starts freaking out because she has no groceries and crap did she totally forget how to be self-sufficient? Dom says not to worry and tries to be cute and flirty and convinces her to go to the mall for some grub, where they walk around like a couple of teenagers on a date. Savi even goes so far as to make a baby daddy joke, which he takes in stride.
Back at her office Karen gets a visitor, a superhot new attorney who was sent to her by an anonymous friend. She tells Karen what we already know, that psychowife isn’t after her money, she wants to DESTROY her. The superhot attorney is super shady and uses her mesmerizing accent to try ask Karen which of her friends is the prettiest little liar, because she needs a fake alibi. Karen, for once in her life, makes the correct decision and says she won’t put any of her friends in that position. (Don’t worry, this is a one-off, she’ll go back to making terrible decisions soon.)
The couple Olivier has set out to charm chose Joss’s “kink” package, so Joss leads them to a swanky bar with pretty people all about. Olivier is curious as to what is so kinky about this place and Joss literally counts down 3, 2, 1… CABARET! It’s a beautiful thing, really. The New York couple seems really into the cabaret, but Joss is over it, she’s seen it so many times she could practically jump up there and do the dance with them. Instead, she says she’s going to step out to check on her sick girlfriend. Olivier tells her that she wears commitment gorgeously, in a way that makes him seem like he doesn’t respect that commitment.
Hot Dad goes by April’s to show off his fat lip, but April is not impressed. She would like to fight her own battles, thank you very much. Hot Dad gets mad that April is mad, and tells her that she can’t use him as a shoulder to cry on and then get upset when he tries to help by punching her dead ex husband in the face. I’m going to try really hard not to hold Hot Dad’s flawed logic against him, because he’s one of the good ones.
After a boring happy hour with his horny business partner, Harry decides to come over to fix Savi’s leak after all. Since poor Savi is getting the karmic blowback from not only her poor choices, but the poor choices she’s allowed her friends to make, of course Harry catches her and Dom giggling together as they come in from their trip to the mall. At the Kink Club, the cosmopolitan couple leaves with the hot young bartender in tow. This doesn’t faze Olivier, because they have officially signed on as a client, thanks to Joss. Olivier’s car pulls up and Joss teases him for driving a DeLorean. He geeks out a little about Back to the Future, and Joss wants to keep making fun of him, but mostly she just wants to drive it. And, of course, he lets her.
April goes to visit Zombie Paul, and tries to give him a happy medium. She’s still not ready to let him disturb Lucy’s life, but she whips out a photo album and tells him about the life he missed while he was playing dead.
Karen goes home to find her stalker waiting. She’s not surprised that he’s standing outside waiting for her, but she is surprised that he’s the one who sent the big shot attorney. She invites him inside because she’s dead-set on being the first Mistress to get killed off this show. Her and Sam sit nice and close to each other, and she says, “I can’t talk about this with you because it’s a very complicated situation but here let me tell you everything.” Sam offers to be her alibi, because of course he does, he would kill the entire population of LA for her. Karen leans in and touches his baby face, and then they make out. It’s been real Karen, I hope your friends have a nice photo of you to use on your “MISSING” posters.
Savi is finally starting to realize that maybe she can do this whole independent woman thing, and starts putting a crib together all by herself.
Joss thanks Olivier for a fun joyride in his geeky car and smiles politely as he invites her over for a nightcap. She leans in real close and whispers in his ear… “No, merci.” Yeah, Joss!
Enjoy that rejection while you can, ladies, because it looks like next week we’re in for a doozy. Whether it’s a dream (read: nightmare) sequence or not, only time will tell, but either way we have to suffer the indecency of watching the ever-stunning Joss get groped by Sleaze-meister L’Douche.
What did you think of “Indecent Proposals”?Here are some of our favorite #HomoWrecker tweets from this week (I missed you guys!):
JOSS!! HI JOSS!! This has been the longest 3 weeks without you on my TV. @jesmacallan #Mistresses #HomoWrecker– Harley (@HarHar91) August 20, 2013
Karen just joined Byron Montgomery in the worst corner #homowrecker – Shazan LaShazawn (@ShanLaShawn) August 20, 2013
Karen doesn’t have a life, she has a plethora of bad choices. #Mistresses #HomoWrecker – Kitty (@SmartLittleLiar) August 20, 2013
Is there like a stupid stick they all pass around? I see Joss refuses to take it.. Good on ya..@jesmacallan #homowrecker– S Spears (@SAfricaphotog) August 20, 2013
#Mistresses should end the season with a recap of Joss’ outfits #homowrecker– Catherine Meushaw (@CMeushaw) August 20, 2013
Don’t overestimate her, she probably can “@CMeushaw: Could Karen catch on any slower?! #homowrecker” – Stephania (@Nerdsbians) August 20, 2013
There’s not much to ruin because I don’t think Karen has had an actual client since her last one died. #HomoWrecker – Teresa (@TeresaTastic) August 20, 2013
Hello attractive lawyer lady. Can you take Karen’s place on this show? #homowrecker #MistressesAnd don’t worry, guys, Jes Macallan just might save us all.– Anne-Nicole Hanus (@anhanus) August 20, 2013
“@anhanus: I think if @LauraPrepon does leave @OITNB that @jesmacallan should join the cast. Just a thought. #homowrecker” sign me up.– Jes Macallan (@jesmacallan) August 20, 2013
