Well, it happened. We all thought it might happen. Some of us wished it might happen. Others of us worried it might happen. But it happened. Jane lost the baby. Was it being shot in the stomach (albeit through her vest)? Was it being hit in the stomach with a lead pipe (after being shot in the stomach)? Who knows. But we do know what storyline Janet Tamaro hath joined together, let no one but Jan Nash put asunder.
Jane wakes up in the hospital, groggily. She looks around and the first thing she sees is? Maura. As Jane’s eyes focus, they immediately soften when she realizes who is with her. Maura smiles back and leans in. Jesus, you two. I’d say get a room but you’re in one. You’re freaking in one.
Jane asks about Tasha, who pulled through surgery and will be fine. Then she tries to move and realizes something is very wrong. Maura confirms her spleen, kidney and liver are bruised. Then she breaks The News to Jane that she miscarried. Of course, it had to be Maura who told her. It was Maura who was going to raise the baby with her. Jane didn’t lose the baby; they lost the baby.
Maura tells Jane about how everyone has been by and her mom just left to shower. Girlfriends stay even after the mom leaves, those are the rules. Jane says she’ll fake sleeping when her mom comes back. Oh, Jane. She can even joke at a time like this. Then she looks over and sees an aquarium full of signed Grover Verben baseballs. Maura explains that Grover is Prof. Beard’s great uncle and he actually has hundreds of them. So, it was a weird, freebie beard bribe gift. And now he has given her a balls bouquet—which is something you should never, ever give a lesbian. He suggests she gives them out as gifts to visitors. Jane declares him a weirdo and so say we all.
Maura gets a call from the office. Damn those dead bodies breaking up our Gayzzoli moments. Jane tells her to go, she has a job to do and crimes to solve. But Maura says the dead body isn’t getting any deader. And then she takes Jane’s hand and caresses it gently. I would say it’s another Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching, but this isn’t gratuitous. This is exactly what someone would do if her girlfriend just lost their baby.
Mama Rizzoli arrives and Jane, indeed, plays asleep. But she and her ginormous stuffed panda bear know better. Jane looks at it and is like, oh no—I still haven’t figured out what to do with the pink fuzzy monstrosity Giovanni gave me and now this? Mama R tells her she wanted Jane to have something to hug when she wasn’t there. Silly woman, she has Maura to hug—duh.
Mama R has also brought cards to play a healing round of Gin Rummy. Then she tells her daughter it will be OK, and she knows from experience because she too had a miscarriage about a year before Jane was born. She tells Jane she needs to share how she is feeling with somebody. Again, lady, she has Maura. Sheesh, you live at her house. You know what’s going on. Geez, parents—sometimes they can be so willfully dense.
Joking aside, for a very difficult situation I think, once again, the writers have handled the storyline with as much grace as possible. This season they were dealt two almost impossible scenarios to write through and have navigated them both in ways that felt respectful and real. Now if only they would get that Jack to hit the road.
Maura arrives at the crime scene with Korsak. It’s the foreclosed house with a very special vintage in the wine cellar. How would you upsell a mummified corpse in a real estate listing? Ancient appeal? Rustic decor? Free mummy? Maura is thrilled about the body’s “beautiful” level of preservation. Getting adorably excited about gross science stuff is her jam.
Next Maura tells him more fun facts about how Egyptians used to pull the brains of the deceased out through their nasal passages. But, she also informs Korsak that the victim definitely didn’t die of natural causes and was poisoned. How does she know this so quickly? Please, she is Dr. Maura Isles. Question nothing, only revel in her fabulousness.
The mummy is brought back to the autopsy room where Maura calmly plucks maggots off its body. Hope you weren’t eating this episode. I particularly hope you weren’t eating beef jerky. Or a milkshake. Because next Maura blends up all the critters into a delicious maggot shake complete with their tissue, casings and feces. Well, they just don’t taste right without feces. Maura has also determined the time of death based on the victim’s fashion sense. I told you to revel in her fabulosity. Just never accept a milkshake from her. Ever.
Frankie is visiting Jane in the hospital and awkwardly yammering on about the room décor. Jane tells him to stop with the terrible small talk and not to worry; she’ll be OK. But Frankie doesn’t know what to do other than give her a gentle “yo, sis, I love you”-arm punch. Boys. Jane tells him he can tell her about the case to help, so he provides needed exposition. The female victim was poisoned. She died four and a half years ago, but the body wasn’t discovered sooner because all of her bills were on autopay and her friends suck. Also, Jesus, who has four year’s worth of bills just sitting around collecting dust in their checking account?
Maura arrives to find Frankie and Jane and tells them the mystery poison was hemlock. Yes, like Socrates. Jane thanks them for keeping her in the loop, and Maura’s says, “Girl, please, don’t act like I don’t know you. If being shot in the stomach and shooting yourself in the stomach won’t stop you from your work, there’s nothing I could possibly do. Well, while clothed.” But with her eyes.
The stepfather of our mummified victim arrives for questions. I cannot, for the life of me, place the actor yet I know I’ve seen him before in something and it is DRIVING ME CRAZY. Someone, please, end my suffering. What else has this guy been in? I know I’m going to kick myself when I find out because, damn, he looks so familiar.
Stepfather doesn’t think there’s anything he can say that will help the investigation. Red flag, red flag—what a potential suspect says is almost always proven opposite on this show. Also, he didn’t like the victim and sounds pretty unmoved that she is dead. He even says he bets there is not one person who misses her. Such a close and caring family, this one.
Jane and Maura limp (well, Jane limps) up to the pediatric ward. Jane comes bearing (get it, BEAR-ing) her panda and asks for Tasha’s room. The nurse isn’t convinced these two are family. Hey, Tasha could totally have two mommies. Gay marriage and same-sex adoption is totally legal in Massachusetts.
Jane pulls the police card—no, literally she pulls out her Boston Police Department business card and hands it to the nurse. Um, how many of you called those numbers? Be honest. Though, something tells me that email address is going nowhere fast.
Jane gives the panda bear an extra squeeze in hopes that the cuteness card and police card will work. After some reassurance from Maura, the nurse relents. And Jane thanks her with a signed baseball. I want those things to be a running joke throughout the rest of the season. Watch Jane give away all the balls! No really, she can’t get balls away from her fast enough! *rim shot*
They go to visit Tasha and give her the hug-me-tight teddy bear. But she corrects Jane that it’s not a bear at all. And Maura agrees. And then they get into an intense discussion of the biological origins of pandas. Oh man, they’re making this girl very hard to resist. She’s a little Mini Maura. Jane can’t believe it either and says that it’s made of stuffing and fuzz, so it doesn’t have genetic ancestors. Except, you know, maybe a mattress. And then Maura gently guides her ailing girlfriend back to her room where she serves as her hug-me-tight panda/bear/raccoon/cat snuggle surrogate for the rest of the day.
As the investigation continues, Korsak and Frankie grill the gardener. He found the victim, and decided to move into the space above the garage and give himself a pay raise. Well, I mean he was still doing the yard work. So it wasn’t exactly stealing.
Jane meanwhile meets with Tasha’s social worker about her status. The social worker is doubtful any foster families will take her in, and thinks Tasha will probably be sent to a group home. The nurse and Jane both agree that sucks. OMG, is Jane going to get a baby after all? The nurse in particular gives the social worker her best Clair Huxtable eye roll.
New department tech wiz Nina—in yet another vest, I spot a trend—has hacked into the victim’s phone. Well, it’s less a hack and more the victim uses the same password for everything. As someone who can’t remember half her passwords because of having to change them constantly, I sympathize.
What they find is an angry co-worker who turns out to be Red Herring No. 2 of the case. Sure, he threatened to kill her—but not “kill-kill” her. Remember what I said about what suspects say being the opposite? Though he is the second person who found the body. At least he actually reported it to police, though nothing happened. Wow, this poor dead lady can’t catch a break. Though we do find out she was loaded from an inheritance she stuffed away in the Caymans. Hello, motive. Nice to meet you.
Maura returns to Jane’s room, where she is kicking her mother’s ass in Gin Rummy. Mama R is convinced she is cheating, and Maura asks if she has checked under her pillow for a secret deck. Ah, yes, girlfriend secrets. Jane asks her whose side she is on, another classic girlfriend move.
Jane gets a call and leaps out of bed—well slow leaps—much to Maura and Mama R’s consternation. Tasha is missing. She slipped out of her room and is nowhere to be found. This sends Jane into immediate Ponytail of Righteous Panic Mode. Like the concerned foster parents they might soon be, Jane and Maura fret about where she could be. But Maura suggests they go back to Jane’s room instead. Hey, now is this really the time for that?
Jane notices something with the security cameras. I can’t figure out exactly what, but it sends her running into a darkened stairwell. Really, Jane, exploring alone again in sketchy looking darkened areas? This is exactly what got you in trouble in the first place.
She winds up in the basement utility room, where she finds Tasha hiding out. You didn’t think they’d let her lose a child twice in one episode. What? Too soon? They have a heart-to-heart. Tasha doesn’t want to get stuck in a group home and ruin her college prospects. Jane promises to not let some group home screw up her future. She promises not to let her down and she calls her “baby.” Oh, man, all signs point toward a The Fosters situation.
Back on the case, Korsak and company uncover something odd about the death of the victim’s mother. She had cancer, but was getting better when she died suddenly. Maura has the official details, after threatening her private doctor with an official visit from the medical examiner.
Frankie jokes about Maura’s intimidating presence. And Maura is like, “You think I’m intimidating? You should see what happens when I tell Jane about what you just said.” Frankie, naturally, is now petrified.
But don’t worry, little brother. Jane is preoccupied with other business right now. She’s calling social services to find out what it takes for a single woman to become a foster parent. OMGWHATHOLYCOWAITAMINUTE, and etc. Also, Jane, stop calling yourself single.
The team is now all in Jane’s room eating pizza and discussing the case. Jane looks at her broth and wonders why her friends are so mean. Maura adorably blots at her slice with a paper napkin because she is Maura. They all zero in on the stepfather, who they now think poisoned the victim and his wife, to get to the inheritance.
Jane, the only one not eating pizza, then has another genius idea. Sheesh, maybe fat and grease is bad for you after all. She knows how to get the evidence they need to nail the stepdad.
They tell him the investigation is over and it was ruled a suicidal poisoning. But he’ll need to prove to Grand Caymans Bank that she was in possession of the poison beforehand to get the money. Long story short, they trick him into incriminating himself by bringing poison to the crime scene. Det. Jane Rizzoli doesn’t even need to get out of her hospital gown and robe to close a case. Criminals, quake before her slippered feet.
Finally, Jane gets released from the hospital and goes to see Tasha, her apparent soon-to-be foster child. Jane tells her she thinks she has found an alternative to her going into a group home. Brace for it, fandom, BRACE FOR IT.
OK, false alarm. Gwen the nurse is going to take her in and be her foster parent until she finishes high school. Yes, yes—it was a classic bait-and-switch scenario. I admit, they got me. Now lesbians everywhere breathe a huge sigh of relief. Don’t get me wrong; I like Tasha. But Rizzoli & Isles doesn’t need a Cousin Oliver. And thus ends the baby storyline. Amen.
Case closed, Jane is home. No, not her so-called apartment—her home. She is at Maura’s having a well-deserved beer. (Lesbian Beer Connoisseur Note: It’s Peroni, not Blue Moon.) Maura walks in with a smile and says she put Jane’s stuff in a drawer. Not that I’d ask for this to happen to anyone, but at least this finally made Jane take the leap and move in.
And you know she is moved in for good because Maura even bought her the fruity smelling shampoo. Love means buying artificially enhanced, chemical-laden beauty products for your girlfriend even though it goes against everything you believe in. And as if to emphasize the point, Maura pops open a beer. A BEER. Yes, this is love.
Plus, she is letting Jane choose the menu for the evening. Asking Jane what she wants to eat, Maura? You minx. As if all that wasn’t enough, she lies and tells Jane she “actually likes” the beer. You guys, this is the grandest romantic gesture Maura could ever do for Jane. Like the only way she could make Jane swoon more is if she did this all while holding a Fenway Frank.
Jane tells her this is how it starts—becoming butch. She says she will not be blamed if Maura starts chugging beers, belching the alphabet and wearing monochromatic business suits matched with solid-colored tops to work every day. Maura just laughs, please, she’d be futch at best.
They seal their love and finally U-Hauling together with some eye sex and more beer. This isn’t even subtext, this happens around the world everyday when lesbians move in together.
But their bliss is interrupted by a knock at the door. Jane whines that she just wants it to be the two of them tonight—as it should be.
But Jane, she isn’t like the victim who decomposed for four years alone in the basement without anyone giving her one thought. She has family and friends and a girlfriend who loves her. They all barge in with pizza and beer and everything else that makes life worth living. Jane laughs, in spite of herself, because they brought Blue Moon so I guess that corporate sponsorship is still a go.
Maura checks with Jane to see if she should ask them to go, like the amazing girlfriend that she is, but Jane relents. They’ll just have to be happy with eye sex only tonight. Plus, Jane’s eating anchovies. So that rules out the real thing anyway.
So it was a little hard to tell the #GaydyBunch tweets from the #Gayzzoli tweets this week. Here are some of the best of the week.
#RizzoliandIsles ooohhhh 60% hand holding, 40% thumb rubbing 100% Gay #Gayzzoli
– K. Lewis (@TechLewis) August 13, 2014
Maura puts off poking at a dead body for Jane? THAT IS LOVE. #RizzoliandIsles #Gayzzoli
– Kim Dawson (@kdawson424) August 13, 2014
So she’s got Jane’s sass & Maura’s smarts she’s the perfect kid #gayzzoli
– Ashley (@AnyeTsoni) August 13, 2014
“Single woman” It’s just so funny that Jane thinks she’s still in the closet #Gayzzoli
– Jen (@iFlipForRizzles) August 13, 2014
JANE HAS HER OWN DRAWER. We all know she has half of Maura’s closet as well. And all of her heart #gayzzoli
– Arizona Robbins (@jessmonster47) August 13, 2014
Maura wants Jane’s hair to smell like fruit when they cuddle. Lavender brings back bad memories. #gayzzoli #rizzoliandisles
– Kathy Is Weird (@L_ArcEnCiel) August 13, 2014
@rizzoliaddisles Anyone else notice Maura’s constantly reaching for Jane this ep? Looks like Maura needs to process baby loss too. #gayzzoli
– April May June (@odieface) August 13, 2014
So they secretly got married in the hospital chapel and now officially moved in together. That’s what happened right? #gayzzoli #rizzles
– Too Many Fandoms (@T00manyfandoms0) August 13, 2014
Maura finally gets a normal boyfriend and yet it’s Jane who moves in. #gayzzoli
– Jamie (@justtherain) August 13, 2014
Excuse me, crime, this is #gayzzoli time. Last few minutes. Every episode. Always.
– Lin Rad (@radlin77) August 13, 2014
