“True Blood” Recap (5.05): “Let’s Boot and Rally”

This week the good people of Bon Temps got their shit together and finally started making moves. Specifically, Tara is entering into a love triangle with Pam and Jessica. Your feelings about the accuracy of that analysis probably depend on whether or not you watch this show with lesbian goggles.

The episode opens with Sookie and Alcide getting their hump on. That is, until Sookie takes a good long look at his pecs and then pukes on his shoes. I also wanted to puke on his shoes. Is anyone else overwhelmed with the sheer number of well-muscled male chests on this show? So that’s of course when Bill and Eric show up to lurk around in black leather jackets and tell Sookie about the Russell situation, and also ask/force her to help them find him. They have until dawn, otherwise their chest harnesses will activate and turn them into tomato sauce, so it’s pretty urgent.

Sookie has the drunken revelation that no matter who she breaks up with or sleeps with, nothing in her life actually changes. (Was that a shout-out from the writers acknowledging the repetitious nature of this show?) As the title suggests, after this realization Sookie is ready to boot and rally — AKA read the mind of the poor schmo who was glamoured into digging Russell Edgington up and schlepping him to a creepy mental institution. It was probably Nora who glamoured him, based on some hardcore detective work regarding a vague memory of a necklace. Nora is still in an Authority jail cell getting UV blasted for praying to Lilith. I hope that Lilith turns out to be an actual character!

Sookie tracks Russell past a room of humans strung up in body bags that no one seems to want to save. A bit of the original “Sookie loves Bill” soundtrack plays for a second as Bill asks her if she’s ready to confront Russell, and my eye roll was heard round the world. When they finally find him, Russell looks elderly but his skin is more intact than last we saw him, and it seems like he was expecting their crew. Unfortunately, it also seems like there are probably a bunch of werewolves protecting him, as per usual.

Meanwhile, Jason is puzzling over the news that his cousin Hadley gave him regarding his parents being killed by vampires. He has a dream in which he’s a kid again eating breakfast with the whole fam, when his parents start bleeding out of vampire bites and his mom offers him a blowjob. Disturbing! In other news, Mama and Papa Stackhouse were kind of hot. When he wakes up from the dream, Jason is called on official police duty to where Sam’s shifter friends were shot. Jason realizes that up until vampires came out, they were killing people and getting away with it forever. He’s always been a slow one.

Sam goes to tell Luna about the friends that were shot, and as he’s leaving her house, both are shot by a gang of people with masks on. Luna looks pretty dead, and Emma shifts into a werepuppy and disappears into the woods. I really hope that Papi isn’t dead. But if she is, I volunteer as tribute a la Katniss Everdeen to take the baby werewolf and raise her as my own.

So let’s get to the important stuff. Pam let Tara borrow a black glitter corset and I hope that you are watching on a device that allows you to pause the screen so you can truly appreciate how good Tara looks. That’s basically what Pam does as she watches Tara walk into the bar. I know I am not hallucinating this. She totally eye f–ks her. FINALLY. She also makes her bartend, and then pins her up against the wall when she tries to bite a cute girl who flirts with her.

Tara has a parallel revelation to Sookie regarding the stagnant nature of relationships in Bon Temps, which maybe we are all having at this moment, until Jessica walks in. Jessica looks really good in smoky black eye makeup, and also looks really good while trying to befriend Tara. She gives her a tender “It Gets Better” speech, strengthening the original allegory of this show (remember when vampires “came out of the coffin” and it was so much like the gays? I think a lot of that was lost amidst the maenads, etc, but this totally brought it back for me). She tells her that her feelings aren’t bad, they’re “awesome,” and she’s just now figuring out what it means to be a queer femme. I’m sorry, I meant vampire.

Then Tara and Jessica dirty talk about what it’s like to want to feed on someone, and Jessica suggests feeding on someone while having sex with them. Indeed! I’m pretty sure Tara already knows about that, as a woman who has had sex with a woman, but she doesn’t give anything away. Jessica then asks Tara to be her girlfriend, and I’m not sure how she meant it, but I sure know how I’m going to choose to take it.

Tara is smoking a cigarette outside when she runs into Hoyt, who is dressed like a cute butch girl with a sleeveless collared shirt and a tie. She ends up sucking his blood cells in a bathroom stall next to Jessica, who is also sucking some blood cells – but of that cute girl Tara tried to bite before! When Jessica hears Hoyt’s whiny voice, she instantly identifies him (wouldn’t she be able to smell him sooner though?), and throws Tara off of him. They have a bathroom brawl, which was kind of surprising, because I didn’t realize Jessica still felt territorial over Hoyt. Also Tara and Jessica are supposed to be girlfriends, so they probably should have a more honest conversation about what they are looking for in terms of guidelines for non-monogamy.

Speaking of queers, Lafayette is at his wit’s end with the ferocious brujo demon that lives inside of him. As if that’s not enough to deal with, he also hallucinates his chachkes squirming on the mantle, so he stomps them into the ground. I mean, wouldn’t you? He asks Jesus to give him a sign and/or some help. This leads to Jesus’ decapitated head with his mouth sewn shut showing up on some countertops. I’m really not sure what that’s going to lead to but I hope it’s an image we don’t have to see again.

In conclusion, I’d like to apologize for thinking that Terry’s Army subplot is boring/not scary, because I was sufficiently entertained and terrified tonight. It turns out that after Terry’s platoon massacred that village, one of the women who lay dying got maenad eyes and cursed the soldiers. They burned the bodies, and now there’s an ifrit — which translates to “the evil,” and if you live in Bon Temps is pronounced uh-freet — following them around burning them to death, one by one. I mean the thing is that they probably deserve to be hunted by a fire demon. And I don’t think that just because I’m a crazy anti-war radical lesbian. The world would be a better place if karma were served up so literally.