“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.11) – Downton Grabby

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Ian Thomas used to haunt the belfry of this one church. He killed Spencer Hastings there on a cold September night, but then Spencer Hastings killed him right back. A thumb drive of N.A.T. Club porn was lost in the pre-murder scuffle. Ezbian Fitzgerald fathered a (probable lesbian) baby, which his mother sold to a traveling circus so he could make his way in the world at Hollis Junior College. CeCe Drake flitted into town name checking Alison DilAurentis, whom she walks like and talks like and menaces like. Dr. Wren performed invasive surgery on Hanna on the Marin’s kitchen table. And Paige dropkicked some Chinese carry-out to Jupiter after she spied Emily kissing the guy who kissed her dead girlfriend before killing said girlfriend and posing as her cousin.

Hanna cannot find anything to wear to school that will cover up the gaping hole she sustained in her leg when she was breaking out of Noel Kahn’s murder room last week. While Hanna tries on Halloween costumes or whatever, Spencer’s nose begins to twitch, and her eyes begin to itch, and then Ahhhchoooo! She’s like, “Oh, God. Hanna. My evidence allergies. There are clues in this house.” And she’s right. Ted has shown up for some pre-breakfast flirting and also to drop off the N.A.T. Club thumb drive that he found during the church’s biannual cleaning. Spencer and Hanna listen from the stairs. Spencer’s main thing: “Tell that old guy to give me back my shit! That evidence is mine!” Hanna’s main thing: “Right, but you know what the real problem is? There’s a video of Jenna doing your boyfriend on that thumb drive and remember how she’s got a gun now? And how we promised to keep that video locked down so she wouldn’t pull the trigger?”

This is not Ashley Marin’s first time at the evidence rodeo, so she fakes Hanna out by planting a different thumb drive on the table, and when Hanna snatches it, she’s like, “Boom! Busted! Are there videos on here of Mona killing you?” Hanna goes, “Um. Uh huh. Yep. That’s exactly what’s on there.” Man, when video footage of your best friend running under you with a car is the least of the evils you’re worried about your mom witnessing, your life kind of blows. Hanna begs Ashley not to turn the drive over to the police or else Mona will end up in Gotham Penitentiary for sure, but Ashley is like, “Mona tortured you, and now you’re torturing my eyeballs with that skirt. Get in the car and we’ll discuss this later.”

It’s Ezbian’s birthday! Aria wakes him up with a snoozle to the neck and a bouquet of freshly picked lavender — a flower that means “silence” according to the internet, which makes it a perfect symbol of Aria and Ezra’s love. She keeps silent about how she was fully doing it with him when he was her teacher. And he keeps silent about what the actual fuck she is wearing at all times. She’s like, “Good morning, my darling! Let’s celebrate your life!” He covers his head with a pillow and groans, “I can’t! My mother is a life-destroyer!” He tried last night to pen a letter to Maggie, but you know how it is once that guy’s feelings start flowing: Suddenly it’s like 4:00 a.m. and he’s processed for seventy-three pages, front and back. Aria sighs because when it’s your girlfriend’s birthday you do what she wants, even if what she wants is to revisit the emotional trauma of every damn Jackie Molina.

Paige and Emily are taking their breakfast at a table outside Rear Window Brew. Emily cannot eat because she’s never done a single wrong thing in her life so she has absolutely no threshold for compartmentalizing her guilt. Every time she has tried to chew a piece of food since kissing Nate, she has vomited. Finally she blurts out about the cheating, and just when you think Paige is going to zig, she totally zags. She keeps on eating her Frosted Flakes and is all, “Hmm, and why do you think that happened?” Emily is in so much anguish. She can’t even look at Paige in the face when she says she’s confused. Paige takes another bite of cereal, goes, “Well, I’m not confused. You kissed Nate because you got him mixed up with Maya. I had a talk with some trash cans about it. Everything is going to be OK.”

At school, Aria is telling Spencer about how Ezra wants to spend his birthday whining about all the girls his mother sold into white slavery. Spencer goes, “Why is he worried about his old high school girlfriend when his new high school girlfriend is right in front of him, looking, if you don’t mind me saying so, more fierce than ever. I think it’s the hair. You and Hanna really brought it with the hair this season.” Aria sighs, says she knows — but they are interrupted by CeCe Drake, who is ferociously pinning flyers to an announcement board and screeching at Spencer to get her ass over there and help.