“Pretty Dirty Secrets” recap: All aboard the A-train!

Last night, ABCFamily.com aired the final episode of Pretty Dirty Secrets, and in honor of how PLL likes to end things, it was basically a minute and a half of the Risen Mitten horsing around with maps and blueprints and compases and diagrams and machetes and flame throwers and tazers and rapelling gear and parachutes and telecopes and chainsaws and lockpicks and fax maxhines and gramaphones and bombs and detonators and Wheel of Fortune apps on the iPhone. The Mitten spent most of his time studying the route of the Halloween Express, which will depart from Rosewood next tuesday night. Scheduled stops:

Philly [All aboard the A-train!]

Dark Woods

Hill of Horrors

Bottomless Lake

Tunnel of Torment

Deadman’s Bend

Harrisburg [Survivors Exit Here]

It is beyond my comprehension why in the world a group of girls who gets murdered every hour of every day of their whole entire Lying lives would voluntarily hop on a train — on Halloween! — that traverses places with names like that. I guess when your whole existence is a Tunnel of Torment, what’s the difference?

What makes this episode particularly creepy is: a) We know someone is going to get killed on this train, so “deadman” and “survivor” are literal descriptions. And b) That Mitten is probably Toby. For some reason, thinking about Mona plotting murder (among other things) is like, “Well, duh.” But thinking about Toby doing it — when he has full access to Spencer, including her VAGINA (which, let’s be honest, she has probably named “Agatha”) — makes it a hundred times more sinister.

Before we bid farewell to Kyle Bown and Kim Turrisi‘s excellent web series, I’ll leave you with my five favorite clues:

1) Queen of Hearts — You’ll remember Mona going on and on about the Queen of Hearts in Radley. First, to herself in bed at night. And then, to Aria, before jumping across the table and trying to strangle her. In fact, Mona was obsessed with card games last season. And now here’s the Queen of Hearts, in the flesh.

2) The Red Coat — Marlene King says “red is the new black” is the true theme of season 3B, and here we see Vivian Darkbloom (and/or her coat) wandering around in broad daylight in Rosewood.

3) Shana’s cell phone — For real, man, why is Paige showing up on her call list?

4) Shana is the Joker — She was friends with either Maya or Ali, and she has come to town to with the singular goal of seeking revenge. And she likes it in Rosewood. She likes the mayhem. Which means she’s going to be a Gotham City-type villain. Adding another lunatic to the mix as A-OK with me. (Get it? “A” OK?)

5) A’s obsessions — When A breaks into the Halloween store, s/he caresses both this wig and CeCe’s face on the computer monitor. I don’t know what it means, but it’s scary as shit and I love it.

Are you ready for the A-train, or what?