WIll lesbians survive the zombie apocalypse?

I’ve been a faithful fan of The Walking Dead since it first premiered on AMC, but I’ve gotten increasingly frustrated with the post-zombie universe the show centers on. In interest of full disclosure, I have never done more than peruse the comic books as I did not want to spoil myself on storylines to come. But when it comes to the television show, I have to ask: Where are my people?

The show is set in Georgia, where apparently mostly white straight people could survive. There a few black people and Asian men, but the largest group of ethnic characters we met were prisoners. And speaking of those prisoners, apparently the comic book had a gay male relationship between two inmates, but was cut out from the show. Throw me a human bone here!

Don’t be confused by her tank top — she’s got a boyfriend

Don’t even get me started on T-Dog. He barely says anything. All of Season 2, his only lines were variations on “Oh hell naw!”

It’s really sad when you watch movies and shows about only the strong surviving after a catastrophic disaster and no lesbians are left standing. First of all, it’s bullshit. Lesbians have been living off the land forever. Communes, potlucks — lesbian separatists perfected the art of DIY. Zombie battling would just be another nuisance to deal with, another reason to yell “Man on the land!” and having Annie getting her gun. I’d feel much safer surrounded by a bunch of women with angsty songs to sing while aiming for brains, and then we’d all share a meal and our feelings at the end of the day.

The women who are on The Walking Dead are: followers of dudes who cook and clean while men do the work, a pregnant Maury Povich situation where she’s 99 percent sure who the father is, or mute but visibly pissed. I have hope for the last one, Michonne, as she’s new and wields a machete. She was even rumored to be a lesbian, but those dreams were destroyed quickly by the writers and faithful fans of the comics who confirmed she is, indeed, straight. It’s too bad, though, because Michonne and Andrea would have been a perfect opportunity to deviate from the books and give us a kickass lesbian couple. (But first, Andrea has to stop drinking the kool-aid in form of that weird tea.)

“Thank you, Lord, for leaving me these women to cook my dinner.”

Even in a world where everyone is on an equal plane, women are still doting on dudes, waiting for them to say what’s next, staying behind while the men go do all the dirty work. I don’t know about you, but I have often discussed a post-zombie life plan, and it does not include doing the laundry and making the meals. It includes 1.) being a lesbian and being alive, 2.) guarding our house and car while shooting the undead and other threats and 3.) after waiting for the rush to get out of town, taking the car and driving to the nearest Oregonian lesbian separatist commune. I’m sure those exist in Georgia, too, Walking Dead. Or at least one gay chick on her way out of Atlanta.

“Give me some more lines or I’ll cut you.”

Perhaps it’s because there’s only one female writer on staff (Angela Kang), and she’s written two episodes where most of the men have written upwards of 27. And if we’re sticking with the story as written in the comic book, then we’re just going to have to keep waiting. In 2011, the comic creator Robert Kirkman said:

There will eventually be lesbians. I promise. I think it would be a bad thing to have existing characters just suddenly realize they’re lesbians though. Just you wait, pretty soon we’re going to have lesbian zombies!

She just screams “lesbian”

A year later, we’re still waiting and I’m checking out zombies for signs of anything Sapphic. It’s so hard when they just want to eat everyone in sight.