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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (4.07): Who let the beards out?

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks.” — Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 2
Oh, Willy Shakespeare, how you perfectly encapsulate every Rizzles fangirls’ feelings about Jane and Maura at this very moment. Because, if you think about it, we really ask for so little from this show. We ask for it to give us two strong female lead characters and let them be friends who are independent and interesting and have better things to do with their time than moon over boys together. This isn’t Sweet Valley High, folks. But instead, smack! Big Blue Sedan of Boycrazy hits us like a freight train. Metaphor, my friends, is everything.

*Minus, of course, the upcoming discovery of child abuse, sexual assault and general pervyness.

Jane and Maura are in their running outfits. Can we take a moment to thank the costume department for all that spandex. Let’s be grateful for the things we can be grateful for this week. Like dat ass in in those pants. Can I get an amen?

Jane has hurt her ankle on their morning jog together. Or so we’re led to believe. I mean, we didn’t see it happen. Who is to say it wasn’t hurt earlier that morning doing other sorts of physical activities. These activities can be very physically demanding and are not always performed horizontally. Changing positions can really spice things up. And, occasionally, place undue pressure on one’s ankles.

Jane doesn’t want Maura to call 911 because it’s just a sprained ankle. Also, she probably doesn’t want to explain what they were up to when she twisted her ankle. Maura helps her gimpy girl get up on her feet, with much whimpering and moaning — but not the good kind like in the morning. Maura insists Jane see a doctor, but Jane is all, “What is the point of having a genius doctor girlfriend if I can’t get her to look at my boo boos?”

Well, the woman has a point. Maura gets on her knees in front of Jane. Yes, please, feel free to pause that frame and insert your own storyline. We’ll wait. I haven’t sorted out my sock drawer in a while. I think it might be time for a mass sock orphans funeral. Damn that other dimension filled with mismatched single socks. Oh, you’re done. Good, where were we?

Oh, Jane is being a baby about her injury. She tells Maura she doesn’t need to go to the ER. She tells Maura she hates her. She tells Maura to please stop touching it. You see, these things can get so swollen. So, so swollen. We’re still talking about her ankle, right?

Just then Jane sees Lt. Det. Rafael “Suave” Martinez running by and tells Maura to get up, get up, get up. Can’t be caught in a compromising position by that dude, that’s for sure. Maura makes some comment about him looking good, which is surely just to get Jane’s adrenaline running as a natural pain reliever. So thoughtful, that one. He asks why Jane isn’t running. Her answer: dehydration. See, this is why it’s always good to keep a bottle of water on your bed stand. No one wants to have to stop the action and go to the kitchen to hydrate.

But Lt. Suave is more interested in Jane’s car than her perfectly sculpted calves in those spandex capris. Right, so is everyone gay on this show? Frankie gives Maura a telling look and asks what’s really wrong with Jane after Suave scampers off. She admits to the injury and he commiserates with Maura about the only way they can get Jane to a hospital — by knocking her out.

Maura gets Jane to at least submit to an in-house X-ray, where she confirms there’s no break. Senior Criminalist Susie Chang comes in all proud with a fashionable new boot — singular — for Jane. Size 9, just like Maura told her to fetch. Do you know the shoe size of any other women in your life other than you girlfriend and possibly your mother? And the latter is only because of hours spent shopping with her and hearing, “Sweetie, do you see this Easy Spirit walker in a size 8.5?”

Maura calmly instructs Susie to hold Jane down. OK, listen. Adding a third is really the sort of thing you discuss beforehand. It’s not something you go into without informing the other parties and having mutual consent. The look on Susie’s face says, “Ladies, I thought I was the cute little sister who was always interrupting you at inopportune times in this scenario. Also, Jane scares the bejesus out of me. Please don’t make me do this. I’m too smart to die young.”

Jane tries to deflect the pain of putting on her new boot by talking about the phony emails she sends Lt. Col. Beard Force. I guess now she’s trying to get Maura’s adrenaline going. Turnabout is fair play, I suppose. Jane tells her the government doesn’t care about her dumb emails to her boyfriend. And Jane says, “He’s not my boyfriend.” She says a little more stuff after that, but really that’s all you need or want to know.

Maura, feeling the green monster creep over her, says pointedly that she finds it interesting that their “relationship” heated up the second he boarded a plane and flew to Afghanistan. It’s so much easier to pretend you care with 6,000 miles between you and having to touch any icky boy parts.

Maura says it’d be nice to have a button you could press to have men appear when you wanted them. Which, in turn, implies that said button could also make men disappear when you didn’t want them. Need some beefy dudes to carry in your new refrigerator? Push the button. Want to pretend you butched it up and brought the fridge in yourself when your lesbian besties drop by? Push the button again and, poof, you’re a stud. What, that’s how I’d use it.

Jane confesses she got eeked out because Beard Force was acting all domestic and not understanding the Beard part of his title. Maura decides to twist the knife in a little deeper and tells Jane she could always go for Lt. Suave instead. And if Jane doesn’t, she might. Yes, by all means, add an overly confident detective who is reckless with other people’s lives to your already stellar list of past “boyfriends.” Anyone with such terrible taste in men must be doing it on purpose.

Jane is totally unfazed by Maura’s baiting. Instead she’s thinking about why Det. Suave was all obsessed with her car. Back up, is he going to take Jane’s police-issue ride? One does not simply walk up and take Det. Jane Rizzoli’s car. Especially now that she’s hobbled. Jane asks Maura to have Senior Criminalist Susie Chang to fetch her some matching crutches. And then when she’s sure Maura is gone, let’s out an even more pathetic, “Mommy, mommy, mommy” about her ankle. Butch up until the femme is gone, am I right, ladies?

But, really, no one needs the façade because Mama Rizzoli busts any hardcore myths we have about one Det. Jane Rizzoli by bringing two plates of bunny pancakes to their table. Maura is visibly thrilled with her cute breakfast fare because she’s just that kind of unicorn. Mama R jokes about her little tomboy’s penchant for clumsiness.

Korsak comes up on the scene and asks what happened. Jane says boot is the new black since her and Maura already finished Orange Is the New Black the weekend it came out while snuggling on the couch. She tries to pass off her injury as the result of wrestling bulls and/or chasing a bad guy. Korsak says he’ll just tell people she was sword fighting. There’s a really dirty joke in there, but this is a classy establishment and I don’t want the bunny pancakes to hear.

Lt. Suave shows up and starts to sweet talk Mama R. Maura tells Jane ignoring her is a sign that he likes her. What is this, first grade? Stop being so obvious about not understanding boys, ladies. Just then Lt. Suave walks up to them and proves me right. He asks for Jane’s car keys. Yeah, you always take the work car of the woman you like right after she’s injured herself so severely she can’t walk. That’s just basic romance, son.

Mama R offers her her car, but Jane tells her detectives can’t take personal cars for work. But they have taken Maura’s personal Prius for work in the past. I’m guessing this is because it has a surprisingly roomy backseat, which is totally worth bending the rules for. Ahem.

The other detectives scurry off to investigate the fatal hit and run/fandom metaphor from the beginning of the show. But not before Frost stops at what appears to be the only coffee spot in all of Boston to get his flirt on with the barista who had previously called his partner a total bee-yotch.

Maura notices Frost flirting with the bitchy barista (p.s. Am I the only one who thought she was in on the scam because she was stalling Jane’s order and everything?) Maura gives him the Tilted Head of Righteous Disapproval. Too much? Hey I have to amuse myself this episode. So much beard action, so much. Korsak tells Frost he’s going to be in so much trouble, but we’re not sure if it’s with Jane or Frankie or both.

At the scene, Maura arrives without Jane and everyone is confused like, “What is this rift in the universe? One without the other? Are these the End Times?” Maura says she took Jane back to the station because of her bum ankle. So bossy, I like it. Jane calls, as if on cue, and asks to get video conferenced into the crime scene. Modern technologies! Next I demand my jet pack.

Evidence at the scene suggests it was a homicide. I’d like to know exactly where they are in Boston because it has amazing reception. I can’t make a phone call from my living room, but this outdoor location has crystal-clear HD video.

Maura notices three girls getting hassled by a reporter in the nearby field. They’re getting asked about the victim, who was a science teacher and driving instructor at the school. Hey, Alanis Morissette, a driving instructor who dies from bad driving? That’s actually ironic. The girls ask Maura for advice on how to handle the tragedy, but I’m getting a definite Rosewood vibe off these three.

Frost and Korsak go to interview the teacher’s wife — who looks like Minnie Driver lite. She tells them her husband went out jogging at night “a lot,” but his beer gut said otherwise. She says he also taught driver’s ed for free out of the goodness of his heart. Plus he won several “Teacher of the Year” awards. Yeah. So, you don’t need to be a Pretty Little Liars-level amateur sleuth to realize this shit is suspicious. No one is that good. I know, I watch TV.

Maura confirms our suspicions officially in the autopsy room, saying his ass is way too flabby to have been a runner. Jane implores her not to talk about his butt and I agree. Instead she talks about what really matters — losing her car. Maura suggests it’s a form of adult romantic teasing from Suave. Jane calls her ridiculous and I agree. He took Frost’s car, too. Does that mean he’s bi? Jane’s head is starting to hurt from all the confusing sexual fluidity.

What Jane really needs instead is a car. Jane says other detectives have quit over similar slights. Maura goes all Ghost Whisperer and leans down to talk to the deceased. She says he said she’s a great detective and to find out who killed him. It’s endearing in a slightly morbid way, which is kind of Maura in a nutshell.

Jane submits to the cuteness, because how could she not. And then she banishes the idea of an early retirement. Just when she thought she was out, Maura pulls her back in. Though, come on, who are we kidding? Jane wasn’t going anywhere without Maura. Ever. Just look at that face. How could she?

But now Jane wants to pretend that she’s totally not Maura’s whipped puppy so she Skypes Lt. Col. Beard Force. Blah blah, blabbity blah blah blah. Forced laughter. Strained smiles. Awkward flirting. Jane says they should meet half way between Boston and Afghanistan. Hey, isn’t this Shark Week? Yeah, Casey, go swim out into the middle of the Atlantic. And since you’re a “gentleman” and everything you should definitely go first. Quick, who has the chum?

Lt. Suave walks in because one beard is never enough. He asks if that’s the “famous” Casey. And by “famous” he means “imaginary.” Also I’d like to note that Suave is pouring honey from a bear’s head into his tea during this entire conversation. This actually makes me like him more. Gay ladies love them some nice honey sweetened tea.

The detectives are trying to find any leads in the case, but what they find instead is a naughty picture apparently sent to the teacher by one of his female students. The message says, “Give me an A and I’ll give you some of this.” Wait, hold on, hold everything. Am I supposed to believe that a teenager today is using email? Because Millennials know to SnapChat that business.

Jane says they’ll have to interview the student, but that proves to be problematic because she’s been in a coma for 10 days after overdosing on some prescription pills. Jane goes with Maura to talk with her parents in the hospital. But not before Frost scolds her for not keeping her ankle elevated. Maura has trained the whole homicide squad well. Take care of Jane, or else.

Back at the Dirty Robber, Jane and Maura are discussing the case when they notice some dudebros secretly rating women as they walk in the door. How precious, sexism. What fun. Jane says they should give them a “thrill” and the ladies offer up their own ratings. Clearly, those scores are for each other. Because those guys are 4s, and that is being very generous.

Lt. Suave walks up and asks for his rating. On a Kinsey Scale? He hands Jane some keys and says she can use this car for police business. How terribly sweet. He impounded her mother’s car so she can drive it for official business. I hope he’s also paying her impound fee.

He then invades Jane’s personal space and says he’d buy her a drink but thinks she’d better take her ankle home and let Maura massage it gently. Well, that’s what I heard. Maura leans in and says, “That, my friend, is chemistry.” Again, clearly, she’s talking about herself. Because that was kind of skeezy. Jane agrees and says “that” can never happen again. I’ll drink to that.

The next day Frost and Korsak are discussing the prevalence of sexism in the scientific field. The teacher, it seemed, paid special attention to his female students much to the chagrin of some of the male students’ parents. Like, what a waste since boys are naturally better in science, duh. Because Marie Curie, Rosalind Franklin, Rachel Carson, Jane Goodall and Fabiola Gianotti — just flukes.

Frost leaves to take a “meeting” with the bitchy barista. Man, that road leads to anger, betrayal and really slow coffee service. In fact. Mama R starts him off by ignoring his request for a fill up. You mess with the Rizzolis, you get no refills. And, again, I can’t tell if she’s more mad for Jane or Frankie.

Frost and Korsak go to interrogate Red Herring No. 1. This time it’s a disgruntled former student who was on track to be valedictorian before the teacher expelled her for allegedly finding weed in her locker. Now she works the graveyard shift at a 7-11 and goes to the local junior college. She says he was the so-called champion of “smart nerdy girls” before revealing himself to be a “lascivious creep” who demanded oral sex for good grades. Wow, OK, can I hit this guy with my car?

After the interview, Frankie shows up with a teddy bear with a boot on its foot for Jane. Frost feels secret shame for flirting with the barista instead of such a sweet, kind guy. Frankie mentions he saw him outside with a woman. Busted. But Frankie has a forgiving heart, and still takes him in his cruiser to check out a car that could have been in the hit-and-run. Wouldn’t you know it’s even the driver’s ed car.

Back in the office, Maura subs in for Jane on the case. Maura made Jane lie down in her office. Because her, um, “ankle” was swollen. Yeah, sure it was, dirty bird. But then Maura forgets that Jane isn’t there to appreciate her “fun facts” and starts a dissertation about the origins of friendship bracelets – which is where the thread they found in the car came from. The looks on their faces say, “Jane puts up with this every day? It must be love.”

The detectives also find out Teacher Creeper had Viagra in his system. Right, so now he’s taking advantage of young, budding female science students and I’m thinking the car that hit him should have been from a bus.

They also found a key to a high-security padlock, which was probably for his disgusting love nest on campus. The detectives know Jane can’t be talked out of going to the scene to find it, so Korsak tells Maura she should go with her because “You’re the only one she listens to.” So that makes Frankie, Mama R and Korsak who are all avowed Rizzles shippers. Suck on that, Team Casey. Oh, sorry, can it be a team if it’s only one person? Yeah, I know Korsak. Buuuurn.

Maura then allows herself to be seen driving with Jane in the Can’O Espress’O Mobile, which is her way of saying “I love you.” At the scene they discover Teacher Creeper’s love shed. It’s filled with random driver’s ed stuff and leftover bodily fluids. There isn’t enough ewwww in the world. They also find a basket Teacher Creeper used to collect all driver’s ed students phones before class. So he had access to coma girl’s phone to send that email. See, told you teenagers don’t use email.

Back in the office Maura has left Jane in the café this time, with instruction to ice her ankle. Admit it, watching the Alpha Femme boss around the Alpha Butch is pretty hot. Too bad Angie Harmon was hobbled in real-life (she broke her ankle back in April) so they couldn’t spend their normal amount of screen time together being the Adorable Bickersons. But Take Charge Maura is certainly helping to fill the void.

Frost has been on coma girl’s social media sites and discovered the bra picture was actually an innocent photo taken at her 16th birthday party to commemorate finally getting her “girls.” Late bloomers. But Teacher Creeper found it on her phone and posted it on a public site to discredit her, as well as emailed it to himself. And for good measure he also gave her a D because she wouldn’t “perform.” That’s it, I’m taking the Can’O car and running over him again in the morgue.

The coma girl attempted suicide because of what he did and her three other BFFS — call them the Pretty Little Nerdy Liars — were all devastated but determined. They also wore matching turquoise friendship bracelets and had a friendship chant that ended, “I would die for you.” A little macabre, but catchy.

The DA wants to know which girl did it. But there’s no evidence to say so the detectives split up the girls to interrogate them. The girls insist on being without their parents or a lawyer. And Korsak says it’ll be like shooting fish in a barrel. Suffer, suffer those who underestimate the little children.

Because the girls all proceed to confess to the murder with the exact same story. He was her hero, he made her love science, then he told her he’d fail her unless she gave him oral sex. So she went to the shed that night to record the encounter so it wouldn’t happen to anyone else. The phone fell out of her pocket and she ran, got in a driver’s ed car and accidentally hit him. Yep, all three of them confess to hitting him. So I guess those fish were actually highly trained dolphins. And you’re the dummies stuck in a barrel.

The DA says she can’t prosecute because only one person can be charged as the driver. Secretly we’re all very pleased at this outcome. Screw secretly. Don’t be a sexual predator who preys on the smartest girls in the class and threatens them with academic ruin unless you receive sexual favors. I’m not condoning murder, I’m just saying karma is a b-b-b-b-b-b-bitch. Well done, Pretty Little Nerdy Liars.

We next see the girls in their coma friend’s hospital room, urging her to wake up. She flutters her eyelids and the triumph of good over evil is complete. Which means only one thing, time for our feel-good gayzzoli moment of the night. Yes, even in an episode filled with dumb boycrazy antics, our gals know there’s only one way to properly end a day. By declaring their unwavering love for one another and saying how beautiful their kind of LLBFF relationship really is. Jane says she’d come “damn close” to dying for Maura. Which, quite frankly, she’s done already several times. And Maura says she’d do the same. Get a room, you two.

And now your “Really, again with the beards?” #Gayzzoli tweets of the week. Seriously, if they keep this up I’m going to start “Send a Schick” campaign to the Rizzoli & Isles offices because they need to shave those beards once and for all.

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