Hey, it’s Giovanni. Now that’s a good sign. I always view him as the four-leaf clover of gayzzoli. He’s bound to bring luck in the subtext department. I mean, how could he not? One look at this goofy, clueless, face-licking specimen of the male species and our ladies are bound to be drawn closer to each other. This time he’s at an illegal street race where even more ridiculous male posturing is happening. A lot of talk of horsepower and speed and eating one’s dust is thrown around. Just get the tape measure out, boys, it’d be so much easier and better for our air quality. Those amped-up muscle cars can’t be good for the environment. How about a Prius race instead? Bet Maura would win.
Of course, no one ever listens to me and so the race starts and then things go boom. Like, literally, boom. One of the racer’s cars blows up. But we’re totally fine with that (aside for the imaginary loss of life) because we finally get to see Jane and Maura. They are, of course, bickering. Maura is on Jane (see what I did there?) to get her cholesterol checked. And Jane is on Maura (see, see—I did it again!) to leave her alone about her health. The Adorable Bickersons are at it and we couldn’t be happier. Maura gets to the heart (because they heart each other—I can’t stop myself!) of the matter saying Jane’s crankiness is due to her coffee addiction. Jane says she is cranky because she has a girlfriend who nags her about her health. Danger, Jane Rizzoli, danger. Keep going in that direction with your excuses and you’ll be sleeping on the couch for a week.
Just then Frankie comes in with a perp he collared for handing out free meth. Bet he goes around giving it out by saying, “Tweaks really are for kids!” Jane goes over to offer some big sisterly help (i.e. egging on the suspect) before actually helping to move him. But then Lt. Det. Rafael “Suave” Martinez comes up all suspicious and tells Jane to stop helping. You know, as much as I joke about hating all the beards—and believe you me, I hate all the beards — I really hate Suave. Not only is he another unnecessary possible romantic foil for Jane, he’s a — to quote Jane herself — complete “douche.” To quote Det. Jane Rizzoli again, “REALLY? Do we really need this macho bullshit in our show about two capable and competent female lead characters, really?” Maura, being endlessly adorable, tells Jane the etymological origin of the word “douche.” Sensing Jane’s frustration with all the unwanted testosterone in the room, Maura jokingly checks Jane’s body temperature to see if it signals a rise in her sexual arousal. She then checks Jane’s hand for tremors as a response to being in the presence of a sexy “bad boy.” I half expected her to next bring out a fainting couch and ask if Jane had the vapors. Because we all know Jane is only ever turned on by good girl genius medical examiners. Jane and Maura get called to the scene of the barbecued drag racer. Whoa, production department, go a little less realistic on the crispy critter, please. I was trying to eat dinner while watching. On the scene we also get our first glimpse of Frost again. And, again, it hurt. It hurts a lot.
To break up the sadness, everyone’s favorite dim bulb Giovanni is there, too. He hollers over to Jane and asks what she’s doing there. Her response was pure Det. Jane Clementine Rizzoli: “Oh, well they make us show up when there’s a dead guy.” Snort. See, now this is why I watch this show. Giovanni tells Jane he’s been recording his whole life in video selfies. Wow, please tell me his Instagram account immediately so I never, ever, even if on accident see any of his posts. After some weak denials and even weaker attempt to keep his phone, Jane wrangles both it and the fact that he recorded the whole race on it from him. Oh, Giovanni, you fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous of which is “never get involved in a land war in Asia,” but only slightly less well-known is this: “Never go against a Rizzoli when your phone is on the line.”
Just then, Bomb Tech BT strides onto the scene and helps confirm the car’s supposed nitrous oxide tank was filled with propane instead and was rigged to explode on purpose. Maura gives Bomb Tech BT an extra long look because how silly is it when your initials match your profession’s acronym? That’s like being MD MD or LT LT.
Back in the autopsy room, Maura has prepped the victim like the Thanksgiving turkey while using cutesy flowered oven mitts. He’s still 205 degrees Celsius and too hot to handle, literally. Hence, the mitts. As they wait for the body to cool, BT BT rolls into the back of the morgue to perform the car autopsy.
Now it’s Jane’s turn to tease Maura, and she grabs the meat thermometer to poke her and check for “subtle signs of sexual arousal.” Maura says he’s a very nice man with a PhD in applied physics who practices yoga, but she still prefers over-caffeinated alpha female homicide detectives. When next we see our lovebirds, Jane and Maura are attempting to get fingerprints from the dead man’s charred hands. Maura has—and I hope you’re not eating—pealed the skin off the fingertips and put them on her fingers. When I tell you they fit like a glove, I’m not kidding. Just then BT BT walks in. Maura ducks down to hide, because only Jane is allowed to see how she fingers. Ahem.
BT BT barges in anyway, and notices the Maura’s fingertip fingertips. He’s excited to see it in action. Jane tells him there’s always action in the crime lab, but he’s definitely not invited to watch most of it. Maura gets a usable print, but then gets distracted trying to fake flirt with BT BT. Making your girlfriend jealous is hard work, yo. Jane notices and snaps Maura back to her fingers, where they belong. In the café, Giovanni is eating up all of Mama Rizzoli’s spaghetti with meatballs. Jane tries to get more information about the racers out of him, but just gets a nickname for the victim’s competition. But he does manage to let slip that Dad Rizzoli, henceforth known as Cad Rizzoli, has a new lady. This earns a slap from Jane. And then he gets a slap from Mama R. And then another one from Jane, for good measure. See, now this is how the show should treat its overabundance of meatball male characters. In the car morgue, Maura and BT BT provide lengthy exposition about how wireless bombs are rigged and examined. All the while Maura makes eyes at her latest Beard of the Week. Fine, BT BT has a nice smile and knows technological acronyms. So what. He isn’t the reason anyone watches this show.
I think the writers’ insistence that we’re interested in Jane and Maura’s so-called romantic lives with men is beyond boneheaded. And not only because I’m a gay lady who wants them to be gay for each other. We’re interested in this show because it has two smart, funny women who work well together and banter in ways we wish we could banter with our friends/partners/loved ones. We’re here for their unique chemistry—whether perceived as gay or straight—not for their Teen Beat boy problems.
Back on the case, Korsak and Frost meet with the victim’s parole officer who helps break the news to his family. He was “one of the good ones” which means something fishy is at play. Also I’m pretty sure something is wrong because the parole officer is still wearing the oversized collar of her blouse on the outside of her dress jacket lapels. That or we’ve stepped into a rip in the space-time continuum and traveled back to the 90s. Should I go get my oversized flannels out of storage? Oh, who are we kidding? I’m a lesbian—I still wear oversized flannels.
At the Dirty Robber, Jane and Maura are processing and eating kale salad. That’s even more gay than my flannel collection. Jane is rightfully disdainful of the thing on the salad bar that no one used to eat but is now inexplicably cool. Look, I actually like kale when it is cooked down. But raw kale? Just cut off a tree branch and chew on that, it’ll be just as hard to swallow. Just like all this beard business. Hey, maybe it’s a secret metaphor. Maura admonishes a whining Jane to eat her dark leafy greens and get tested because of her family’s history with cholesterol. Hey, quick question, do you know the genetic DNA family histories of any of your friends? Nope, didn’t think so. But you probably do of your girlfriend/wife, now don’t you? Just checking.What follows can only properly be called a Beard Explosion, both literally and figuratively. Bearded beard BT BT walks in, and whisks Maura away to the lab to stand by for results. Then bearded beard Lt. Suave walks in to make nice with Jane. Oh, and just in case we’ve forgotten about him, Lt. Col. Beard Force gets mentioned but luckily isn’t available to Skype. Two visible beards per episode are all I can take. Lt. Suave thinks he’s all suave as he gives Jane her police car back and tries to buy her a drink. Jane is suspicious of him right away. And then he tries to get sexytime going and I need to take a moment to talk with the straight women in the room. Does saying, “We were good together when we didn’t talk” work as a pick-up line? Because to me it sounds like, “Shut your man pleaser, woman, and get busy satisfying my boy parts.” But then, I could have my “Man-Hating Lesbian”-filter turned up too high.
Back to things I do understand, Maura rolls out from under the charred muscle car. Now both Jane and Maura have played grease monkeys this season and I like it. She finds the bomb signal receiver and BT BT calls her “incredible.” Jane agrees while giving that none-too-subtle possessive vibe. So now they know the range of the thing and determine the bomber had to be at the race. Frost (awww) manages to salvage the content of the micro-SD card Maura found earlier. It gives them the driver’s angle on the race and who should they see in the background? Lt. Suave. So, just to recap, a police lieutenant was at the scene of a homicide and failed to report either the crime or his presence. That has to be, at very least, bad form and at worst against like every police policy possible. Of course Lt. Cavanaugh wants to give him the benefit of the doubt because just a few episodes ago he almost murdered a suspect while in custody awaiting to stand trial with no repercussions. Rules smules.
As the detectives wait for Lt. Suave to explain himself, they find out the victim worked on a competitor’s Mustang. So they track it down and find it in an old warehouse. Jane sees it and immediately says, “Hello, sweetness.” Yep, nothing gay about that. The keys are still in the car so Jane gets in, and then tries the combination code they found written on a scrap piece of paper. It opens a secret hold that contains what looks like drugs, money and a gun. Jane picks up everything without gloves because, why not, that seems like totally sound police procedure. I have to be super zen about all the law enforcement rules this show breaks, because otherwise I’d burst a blood vessel in my brain every week from frustration. Just then the garage doors open, Jane, Frost and Korsak hide and then leap out to ambush who they think are the perps. But they turn out to be Lt. Suave, Frankie and the other driver. They’ve stumbled into an undercover operation, which Lt. Suave didn’t bother to tell them about even though it intersected with their homicide investigation and even though he was at the homicide in question and even though he knows their prime suspect for said homicide who is really an undercover NYC cop. Seems like a cool dude without any trust issues, Jane, you should definitely sleep with him immediately. That is, if you weren’t 100 percent gay for Maura already.
Instead Jane rightfully asks what is wrong with him and sighs in disbelief. Suave and his crew have been trying to track a new meth ring that is smuggling the drug into town through secret holds and creating their own market by handing out free samples. I don’t watch enough Breaking Bad to know, is meth smuggling from Mexico a big problem? I thought anyone could Walter White up a batch in a mobile home. Lt. Suave’s operation is trying to uncover the kingpin of this ring, who is unknown to them right now. Lt. Suave begs Jane to hold off on arresting the main meth dealer so they can get to his higher up. Jane says of course not, because she’s a good cop who doesn’t mind sharing her information with fellow police in the name of the public safety. Also, she’s not a jerk. But she makes sure to come along for the sting, where Lt. Suave tries to suave her again. But she’s having none of it. You keep that douchey Casanova at binocular’s length, honey. Suave & Co. make the meth bust and arrest the dealer, only to have his lawyer show up shortly after with the bail money. Jane is pissed because there goes her arrest. See, never put a man’s wishes above yours, Jane. Ooops, guess my MHL-filter was still turned up.
Korsak makes a call to slow down his release—paperwork is hard—and Frankie comes in with a find from the suspect’s car. It’s a car alarm programmer that can also program key fobs. So now they don’t need the transmitter, they just need to match the programmer to the receiver. Next Maura and BT BT do just that. Thank God, there’s only like 5 minutes left and no Big Gayzzoli Ending in sight yet. Now they know the dealer planted the bomb, they just have to find out who was holding the key fob that triggered the explosion. So they have to find the connection between all of the men, who have previously been in prison. Who could it be, who could it be, who could it be with her collar hanging out of her jacket?
Yep, it was the female parole officer. She’s the drug trafficking kingpin and has been working with her wayward parolees both in Boston and Mexico. The team provides a helpful simulation of the explosion, which I’m guessing was just another fun excuse to blow something up on set. And then they cuff her. Leave it to Jane to always get her woman. Finally, the case is solved and the beards are gone. Maura walks into the Dirty Robber—with no BT BT anywhere to be found — and instead happily finds Jane waiting for her at a table—with no Lt. Suave anywhere to be found. Not only is Jane waiting for her patiently at a table, she’s waiting for her patiently at a table while eating a kale salad. Yes, a bacon-cheeseburger gal has ordered a kale salad without Maura’s prompting, just to make her girlfriend happy. I swear, if that isn’t love I don’t know what is. Though, Jane does bargain that eating one kale salad for her girlfriend gives her the right to drink coffee the next day, and the next day after that, and the next day after that, and… also, she’s having fries for dessert. Maura just laughs, because you take your victories where you can in relationships. And making Det. Jane. Rizzoli willfully order a kale salad by herself is definitely a victory. And now, for your #Gayzzoli tweets of this week. I sense a theme. And that theme is the show better invest in some shaving cream and razor blades very soon.
Triple Beard Score. #gayzzoli #rizzoliandisles– Cindy Hornung (@LocBox)August 28, 2013
Bad boy beard should get together with bomb boy beard. They can double date. Problem solved. #gayzzoli– Marie (@buknerd)August 28, 2013
With all these beards this is looking like an episode of Rizzoli OR Isles #Gayzzoli– walton12321 (@walton12321)August 28, 2013
Jane is so butch. First thing she says when she sees the mustang is “hello sweetness.” #gayzzoli– GAYZZOLI (@GayzzoliForever)August 28, 2013
Cops always grab unknown guns without gloves…it’s part of the investigation. #rizzoliandisles #gayzzoli– SS Rizzles (@ssmth1)August 28, 2013
Maura didnt go on her date…instead went out with Rizzoli…who is eating kale 🙂 #Gayzzoli #rizzoliandisles– Jessie (@DrkRaven0905)August 28, 2013
Maura tells Jane what to, eat, wear, & do… Such a bossy lil top. #Gayzzoli– Avant Geek (@heartsparks)August 28, 2013
Anyone else think the show should hock Venus razors instead of Dr. Scholls? That many beards definitely need a quality blade. #gayzzoli– *ISP (@inkstainedpinky)August 28, 2013
Jane & Maura’s beards literally have beards It’s like the writers r telling us: don’t worry the men r just 4 show #Gayzzoli #RizzoliAndIsles– Hayley Rubins (@HayleyErica)August 28, 2013
