“Chicago Fire” recap (2.3): “Is she hot?”

Previously on Chicago Fire, Casey got himself a couple of kids while Heather Darden is doing laundry with Alex Vause. Dawson continues to have shitty taste in men. Renee took her bun and went to Person of Interest but kicked us in the gut with her gorgeous, teary face before taking her leave. Severide solved the arson case through some sort of miracle of advanced thinking. And Shay, oh Shay you adorable pocket gay. Shay fumbled all over herself trying to sort out if the realtor was hitting on her. It’s cute when gorgeous people have no game, isn’t it? She and Severide made plans to move back in together in a three-bedroom and we all poured one out for the loft. I’ll miss you most of all, spiral staircase.

At Casey’s home for orphaned children, he’s learning the hard way why kids are born cute and not as surly tweens. Griffin is taking his anger about his dead father, murdering mother, and lack of cinnamon sugar pop tart out on his backpack. Casey snarls and Griffin snarls back and it’s a big cozy family, isn’t it?

Outside 51, Dawson is waiting for Smarmy Jay to drive up with her purse. She tells him she was in this relationship that fell apart because the guy was a big, pouty baby and she was in love with another guy who was a choke artist when it came to their dates. Then she tells Smarmy Jay she owes him one for returning the purse and to come by Molly’s. Dawson, the world owes you one for looking like that so let’s just call it even, OK?

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Inside 51, Otis comes bounding up to Severide like a puppy who has been in the house all day. He wants to be Severide and Shay’s roommate. Cruz and Mouch come over and all three start yapping about why they all deserve the spot in the house of hotness. Severide tells them “this isn’t cheerleading tryouts” and sends them off to work it out.

Severide leaves the Three Houseketeers to chase down the Chief and lay out his theory that Hadley is the arsonist. His well-constructed, detailed, fool-proof theory consists of “I just have a feeling, Chief.”  The Chief is unimpressed by Severide’s spidey sense and tells Severide he needs more before he accuses someone of being a Death Eater.

The team is called out to an underwater rescue.  A car has gone into the drink and Scuba Severide is on it. He drops into the water and then his rope gets caught before he can grab the guy trapped in the car. By the time he pulls the driver out it’s too late, not even the magic healing touch of Gabriela Dawson can save him.

Back at 51, Otis and Cruz are explaining the theory of “residual tail” to Mouch. These dimwits think that there will be tons of chicks just hanging around at Shayveride’s because Shay and Severide are always hooking up with the ladies. Where have you two morons been? Shay has been wandering around in a dry patch the likes of which we haven’t seen since Moses went camping in the desert for 40 years. Severide just found out the kid wasn’t his and cried and was so sad, oh wait, yeah, he’s totally going to get laid.

Herrmann bops in with the fantastic news that the beer distributor is giving them a couple of free kegs of beer. Otis is excited but Dawson is wary of this free beer. She wants to be sure that’s it’s a nice microbrew, preferably something seasonal, maybe a pumpkin spice wheat beer. Dawson, your gay is showing again. Mouch whines about not having the signatures he needs to get on the ballot and Dawson offers up her “friend” (and former lady lover) Isabella to help him out. Shay asks “is she hot?”  Dawson shoots her down with “she’s straight.” Straight like you’re straight, Dawson, or actually not at all in love with her best friend so dating men who are totally wrong for her straight?

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Severide finds Mills mopping the bathroom floor and asks if it’s OK for his dad to come in the house. Mills tells him to keep Benny outside but changes his mind when he hears that Benny is there to help with the arson investigation. Mills walks outside, shakes Benny’s hand and tells him to catch whoever torched the restaurant. The Severide boys meet with the Chief to lay out why Hadley is the arsonist.

The Houseketeers are thinking up stupid ways to decide who gets the room. Mouch suggests drawing straws, but Otis, being a monumentally stupid man, suggests the cinnamon challenge. This requires a person to eat a spoonful of cinnamon in under 60 seconds. This is a real thing and it’s really stupid and it can kill you. In the middle of this meeting of the fraternity Beta Gamma Dumbass, Shay spills the beans to Mills and everyone else, about Severide’s theory that Hadley is the one starting fires. Mills storms off.  Shay, you will be wearing the cone of shame for the rest of the day.

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Casey gets a phone call and has to leave work. The Chief doesn’t like it and Clark the narc is listening in and taking notes. Casey is called to the actual principal’s office to talk about Griffin who, apparently, slugged a kid. The principal is outlining the ways in which Casey is screwing up as a parent when Dawson pops in, flips her hair, grabs Casey’s hand, and says all the right things.  While up on her white horse, Dawson tells Casey that if he tries to do battle with an eleven-year-old he’s going to lose and maybe he should try less snarling and more kindness.

Boden walks into his office and Gail McLeod is sitting in his chair, stroking a white cat and cackling softly to herself. She wants to know why Hadley was chucked form 51 since the Chief wasn’t exactly thorough with his paperwork. She implies that having an arsonist as a former firefighter somehow reflects badly on Boden and then disappears in a poof of black smoke, Maleficent style. She really is delightfully evil.

Cruz pops down to invite Clark to come have a few drinks with everyone after their shift is over. He notices Clark’s wedding band and tells Clark to bring his wife. Clark immediately calls Capp over to cut the ring off. Dude, you can bring your husband, they’re a-OK with the gay at 51. He makes some excuse about his wife having moved out. Sure she did, buddy.

Shay and Dawson are in the rig driving to a call and Dawson tells Shay “so I totally just pretended to be Casey’s girlfriend. It was so easy and there were no feelings involved.”  Shay makes the most unbelievable face and says it must be easy because Dawson is just so into someone else. She says Smarmy Jay but we all know Dawson really loves Shay.

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They arrive to find a genius who has nailed his own arm to a board with a nail gun. The guy’s friend can’t bring himself to cut the piece of wood so Shay becomes the Lezbionic woman and weilds the circular saw like a champ. She leaves these two idiots with a reminder to always wear eye protection. Leslie Shay, renaissance woman.