“Once Upon a Time” recap (3.14): Witches and towers and fears, oh my!

Zip forward in time to Storybrooke today, where Zelena is still holding her Charming therapy session. She tells David that Mary Margaret told her all about the whole sending-their-first-child-through-a-portal-into-a-world-of-automatic-weapons and says that the second child will be easier. She tricks them into drinking up and then excuses David, who she knows must have important things to do elsewhere.

As David is driving out to meet up with Emma and Hook, he sees a hooded figure traipsing about and decides to follow it. We recognize the cloak as the one from Rapunzel’s tower, but since David has no memories of the past year, he looks as dumbfounded as he did back then.

Over by the lake, where she was probably hoping to see a swan, Regina takes Henry for a stroll with some ice cream. Henry confides, in this supposed practical stranger, that he suspects that his mother took him here for reasons beyond work. Regina grills him about any ex Emma may or may not have had over the past year and Henry says he just wishes someday they could have a proper Thanksgiving involving more than two people. Regina assures him that someday his family tree will be more twisted than Sirius Black’s.

OUAT 314-7“And if I get my way, someday you’ll even have two mommies.”

Meanwhile, Emma and Hook are looking for berries. Hook once again speaks with my voice when he complains about being in yet another dark forest, after spending three eternities in Neverland. Hook takes this alone time to mock Emma for having been engaged to a flying monkey and she shrugs and says all men are animals anyway. She does admit that she was in love, and that her heart was broken, though she doesn’t necessarily say she’s still talking about Walsh. Hook gets in real close, makes really intense eye contact, and breathes that he’s glad her heart was broken, because “that means it still works.” She lets him think for half a second that she enjoys sharing his breathspace, then rolls her eyes and walks away.

In another part of the Storybrooke forest, somewhere near the Billy Goats Gruff Toll Bridge, David is chasing the hooded shadow. Just like in the past he can’t remember, the hooded creature doesn’t follow the standard rules of space and time and is flashing and flickering all over the place. Sword in one hand, he digs out his cell phone with the other, and leaves Emma a message to tell her where to find his body when he’s done taking on a magical creature on his own that he is pretty sure is the Wicked Witch, proven to be more powerful than the Evil Queen herself.

Back in time, Rapunzel is still feeling pretty hopeless about all this rescue business, but Charming’s hero complex won’t quit. He slashes his sword out the window, but he is no match for the cloaked creature. It swoops down from the roof and shoves him inside.

Storybrooke David is having a similar issue, and the figure is throwing him to the ground and breathing rattling Dementor breaths at him.

Across the way, Hook and Emma finally reach a clearing. Emma is amused to discover a farmhouse there, and they sneak up to the house quietly, in case Auntie Em is still inside. They find no old ladies, nor any pigtailed teenagers with puppies, just an empty house and a bike with a basket. They spot a storm cellar and head towards it. Hook, arguably the smartest of them all, doesn’t think it’s a good idea to face what could very well be the Wicked Witch as just a one-handed pirate who really likes eyeliner and a bail bondsperson who has actual magic she doesn’t know how to use and a “superpower” that is faulty at best. He’s barely through saying that they should call for backup when Emma picks up her phone to call Regina.

OUAT 314-8“Oh thank God I’ve been wanting to do this since you almost kissed me back there.”

Before Emma can press the 1 on her speed-dial, she notices she has a message from David telling her that he’s going to take on what HE thinks is the Wicked Witch.

Speaking of David, he’s doing his very best to fight the hooded creature all on his own, but when he stabs the figure right through the chest with his sword, the figure just lifts him up by his throat. In a moment that would make any Little Liar jealous, David successfully pulls down the hood of his attacker. In a moment that probably wouldn’t even be all that surprising to a Little Liar, he finds his own face looking back at him.

But before you have time to try to remember what happened to David’s twin in season one, we flash back to Rapunzel being attacked by a hooded figure, but this time the hooded figure is her.

OUAT 314-9Much better.

And so we learn that the hooded creature is Fear. They have to face their fear. Get it?

In case you didn’t get it, David shouts exactly that at Rapunzel over and over until she cuts her hair and sends her Fear plummeting to the ground.

In Storybrooke, David is losing his battle against his own Fear, but then he sees Emma’s yellow buggy. Inspired, he tells his Fear that he’s afraid that he won’t be a good father. But, in that moment, he decides it won’t stop him, and he shoves what’s left of his sword into his Fear, destroying it. Proud of himself, he goes to pick up the hilt of his sword, but it disappears. He shrugs it off and goes to join his family.

Back in the Enchanted Forest, Rapunzel confesses that her brother drowned while saving her life after she fell in a river they weren’t supposed to be playing in. She was having a hard time forgiving herself, and were SURE her parents wouldn’t forgive her, but when Charming takes her back to Snow White’s castle, they are just happy to see her, just like he said they would be. (Does this mean Rapunzel’s parents were in Storybrooke the first go-round? But Rapunzel wasn’t? Also why have we never heard of this missing person before? Wouldn’t Snow White have made it her life mission to find her? And is Rapunzel in New Storybrooke now? Will SHE get together with Ruby? I have a lot of questions.)

Prince Charming and Snow White bond over both being terrified of being parents, considering how poorly everything went last time, and how constantly their lives are in danger. But they have each other and they have True Love, so surely they’ll be fine. They leave the mass of cursed and confused (and kind of homeless?) people to go build a nursery for their unborn child, because they have their priorities in order.

When David tells Emma, Hook, and Regina what happened before they got there, Regina tells him that she’s glad he’s been doing his part to keep the Two Idiots title in check. Since the hilt of his sword disappeared after he defeated his Fear, that means the Wicked Witch took his courage (or at least, a token of it), making him the Cowardly Lion in this version of the story.

And sure enough, Zelena is now the proud owner of a broken sword dipped in hero complex.

OUAT 314-10

I mean, guys, she’s literally wearing a Slytherin uniform. OPEN YOUR EYES.