“The Fosters” recap (2.01): “You killed Kenny!”

Previously on The Fosters, Brandon fell in love with Callie and moped around when she chose having a family over having a boyfriend. While moping he broke several laws (including bribing a witness), took on the same guy who punched Jesus in the face, and ended up beaten, bloody, and with his delicate piano playing hand smashed in a car door. Callie chose family, thought she was going to get adopted, only to find out her dad wasn’t her dad and she would twist in the wind for a few seasons more. Mike got a new girlfriend who helped him stay sober, tried her worm her way into the family, then raped Brandon when he was drunk and oh right, a teenager. Meanwhile, Stef and Lena decided to have a baby using smarmy Timothy’s sperm. Only Timmy got rather attached to his potential baby and refused to sign away his rights. Jesus went off his meds, onto the wrestling mat, and found himself in a love triangle. Mariana gave a dude her panties, found a boyfriend, and then lost the boyfriend when he got shipped out of state (can’t we trade Zac for Brandon?). Jude remained the greatest teenage unicorn to grace the screen.

We begin as we ended, with Brandon lying on the ground, covered in blood. He struggles to pull himself into his car and starts blowing the horn. Actually, it was all a dream and he wakes up with a splint on his hand back at the Adams Foster home for wayward teens. Down in the dream kitchen, Lena is eating potato chips and spaghetti with a side of pickles and salsa for breakfast. You know because she’s super knocked up by Spermothy. Jude gets mail and it turns out to be his new birth certificate. He won’t let Lena touch it until she’s sanitized her hands. Brandon congratulates him like he wasn’t trying to bone his sister and make the adoption impossible only a few weeks before. Callie wanders in and gives Jude a hug. Stef assures Callie that they are going to get her adoption squared away just as soon as the show stops screwing up her life like some kind of Greek tragedy.


At Anchor Beach Charter School, Dani shows up to talk to Brandon.

Dani: “So, your dad wants me to move in with him.”

Brandon: “You must be shitting me.”

Dani: “Well, after I raped you I helped him clean a shit ton of blood off his hands and I think I can leverage that knowledge into a proposal and probably the wedding of my dreams. So let’s not tell him about that time I took advantage of a drunk sixteen year old, cool?”

Then she throws a ton of guilt his way about keeping their secret so that Mike doesn’t drink again because the last time he did he probably killed a guy (or Ana) and after all the fucking up Brandon has done recently he should really keep this to himself. She tells him to get over what happens and sings a few bars of “Let It Go.” Really, lady?

In court, the Adams Fosters are listening to Donald Jacob tell the court all about how he’s not Callie’s biological dad. Remember Lena telling Mariana that DNA doesn’t make a family? Yeah, well the legal system is here to piss on Lena’s parade. Donald was her father in every way but biology. The judge wants them to try to find Robert Quinn because maybe he doesn’t know what a kick ass kid Callie is and after sixteen years he really should have a chance to come in a mess everything up for her again.

In a flashback, Stef and Lena bomb through the hospital looking for Brandon. He looks horrendous in the bed but the doctor says other that his totally destroyed hand he’s actually in pretty good shape. Lena says “but he’s a pianist.” The doctor kind of rolls his eyes and tries not to say “just be glad he’s not dead, okay?” Stef asks Brandon who beat him up and when he says “Vico” Stef’s jaw tightens and she looks ready to kill. I totally get the instinct. Once a kid pushed my daughter on the playground and I nearly Hulked out on a six-year-old.

Fosters 2012

Stef pulls out of the flashback at Brandon’s appointment with his orthopedic surgeon. Stef wants to know that her baby is going to be fine, better than fine, able to play the piano like he used to. The surgeon says, we won’t know until he tries. Maybe if he applied the same work ethic to the piano as he did to getting in Callie’s pants area he would be just fine.

Back at school Mariana, now blonde, is in the middle of an extended dance routine. Meanwhile Jesus, and a couple of his wrestling buddies, are being gross teenagers. They stop when Emma bounces up. Jesus tries to kiss her and she tells him to cool it at practice. The coach bitches about the dance team taking up his precious practice time and Lena tells him that if he can’t share they can just cut the wrestling team. She’s the acting principal now so what she says goes until she tells Luke Cafferty’s girlfriend that she doesn’t have to stay pregnant.

The dancers are finally done hopping around and the wrestling bros ask Jesus if he wants to come to their special, no girls allowed, tree fort over the weekend. He feels bad for half a second and then says sure, Emma didn’t just give me a second chance after I was a total donkey’s butt to her, so count me in.

Fosters 2013

Mariana thanks one girl for helping her with her kick and another says she’s getting so much better but her roots are showing. On days ending in “y” we wear blonde. Mariana says right, I’ll be touching up my hair later.