“The Fosters” recap (2.3): “Stop trying to make babymoon happen”

Previously on The Fosters, Brandon wanted surgery to fix his hand but then a pretty girl sang a song and he was like “forget my pianist dreams!” Callie met her birth father who has been stalking her for two episodes. Like everything else in her life, he’s a disappointment, but maybe her half sister will be great because things usually work out well for Callie. Emma has a few pointers for Jesus, and he’s not entirely thrilled so she dumps him. Stef and Lena tried a little season one role playing where Stef makes parenting decisions without consulting Lena. Timothy took a break from his Barry Melrose Haircut fanclub to ruin everything by sticking his, er, this time it’s his nose, into the hunt for the next principal of Anchor Beach. And Connor’s dad told him he can’t hang out with Jude anymore because he thinks Jude is gay.

We open in the kitchen where Mariana is pissed because the dance team girls are hanging out without her. The moms want to know when they are going to hear Brandon play with his new band. He says half past never. The moms are hurt, they totally used to go to concerts and have sexy dance parties in their bedroom. Sadly, their most recent plans for sexy time have been cut short due to Lena’s mom being incarcerated in Litchfield. But no worries, Brandon and Callie, the king and queen of responsible teenage behavior volunteer to keep an eye on the place while the moms enjoy their night away.

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Brandon is playing with Someone’s Little Sister. No really, that’s the name of the band. Lu is singing and Brandon starts speaking to her in Italian musical terms. She’s not impressed and would, like the rest of us, prefer Brandon to set his mouth to piano all the time. But when he mentions that he has the house without parents the next night they decide it’s the perfect practice space. Just a few friends, nothing big. What could go wrong?

At school Connor is trying to talk to Jude. Connor says he doesn’t care if Jude is, you know. Jude tells him “gay” isn’t a bad word and not using it only increases its power and shame associated with it like some kind of homosexual Voldemort. Then Connor asks Jude if he’s “you know.” Jude says, labels are for clothes not for people. Connor says they can still hang out just not where his dad or anyone with a eyes might be around. Jude says “I’m not interested in being anyone’s secret” before disappearing on the back of a unicorn.

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Mariana can see all the “cool” girls hanging out without her and is thrilled when Matt tells her that they are having people over to the Adams Foster house. Mariana hears “party” and thinks she can buy her way into popular with some cheap beer and unsupervised hijinks. Outside in the courtyard Callie is showing Wyatt a picture of her half sister which he mistakes for a picture of her. Callie hasn’t told anyone about her little sister yet. Not her moms, not her other siblings, not even the Judicorn. She thought she’d talk it over with the hair model first. Just as she tells him that she’s in charge and that he can’t come over, Regina George and her minions walk by talking about the rager at the vice principal’s house.

Stef and Lena roll their suitcases into a lovely room and begin their babymoon mini vacation. Lena is happy to get away from their brood, but Stef thinking the room is too small, the mini-bar too expensive, and offers to run to the convenience store to get some snacks. I know I promised you champagne and strawberries baby, but how about a slushy and a jolly rancher.

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Back at home Callie is reading Mariana the riot act over this stupid party. She tells Brandon to cancel the party but he has a brand new attitude and he’s not taking orders from Callie. Mariana tells them this is their last chance to have fun because once the baby comes the moms are never going to leave. These dipshits with their adoption papers all signed and their spot in the house nice and secure say “PARTY!” while Callie thinks of the night she spent locked in a room by that crazy foster mom. They will keep the party in the back yard and she and Jude will follow the rules inside, except for the part where they invite Wyatt and Maddie over too.

Brandon assures the moms that everything is totally fine while Jesus walks by with 47 pizzas, a disco ball, and a confetti cannon. Callie is inside barricading the doors and getting ready to protect her domain. No harm will come to the dream kitchen while she and Wyatt are around. Brandon walks in, wearing a blazer, and teases Callie for being no fun. She asks when he became such an ass. Day one Callie. Day one. Wyatt notices that, for the first time, Callie and Brandon are acting like brother and sister.

Upstairs, Jude is taping up signs to keep people out of the moms’ bedroom. Maddie brought a friend and the friend is hoping Connor is coming over. Jude asks if Maddie likes Connor, nope, her friend spills that Maddie likes someone else. Jude’s unicorn like energy is irresistible.

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Back in the land of couple’s massages, Stef can’t stop talking. She asks where her masseuse is from, what her mother’s maiden name is, and her birthday. If I didn’t know better, I would think Stef was planning to solve their money woes with a little identity theft. Stef, is this you relaxing? Because you suck at it.

Mariana shows the dance team around the back yard and then gets the rundown on all the rules. If you break any of the rules by dancing, drinking, or acting human you are off the team. Also on Wednesdays we wear pink. Brandon is freaking out because Lu isn’t exactly punctual and takes it out on Jesus by dumping his beer. Inside, Callie and Wyatt are thrilled to be babysitting the bathroom. When Callie goes in to fix the broken toilet, Wyatt lets Connor sneak up to Jude’s room. Wyatt, Captain of the S.S. Jonner.

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Jude and the ladies are watching the party out the window like the cutest little Statler and Waldorfs you’ve ever seen. The girls are bored and want to play spin the bottle. There are only three people, Jude says. But here comes Connor, disobeying his old man just so he could see Jude. Jude is thrilled until the girls point out that now there are four people.