“Dante’s Cove” Recaps: Episode 3.1

Previously, on Dante’s Cove A lot’s happened since we last visited Dante’s Cove, the tropical enclave you won’t find on any map. Dante’s Cove inhabitants are as gay as they are beautiful: Everyone is ripped and coiffed and shirtless. In fact, the official tourism slogan is “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem!” Dante’s Cove’s largest export product is cheese. Lots and lots of cheese. Its largest import product is body oil.

Because of all these things, hot gay men and women wash up on its shores with fascinating regularity. And once they’ve smelled that intoxicating blend of suntan lotion, hair product and cheese, they’re there to stay.

In case you didn’t watch the first two seasons (I didn’t either), let me set the scene.

Dante’s Cove has a dark and evil history. The year: 1840. Dashing suitor Ambrosius Vallin is engaged to marry a beauty named Grace Neville, despite the fact that he favors the flavor of man meat.

Grace comes from a long line of sorceresses who practice “Tresum,” a supernatural religion based on the ancient powers of nature. Or, as my girlfriend calls it, “cheesum.”

Discovering Ambrosius was on the down low, Grace robbed him of his most treasured possession — his looks — and cursed him to spend eternity chained in the basement of her house. Ambrosius was forced to stare at his old, pruney body in a mirror and wait for the one thing that would break Grace’s curse: the kiss of a young man.

Over the next 167 years, things at Dante’s Cove changed. Grace’s home became a hotel. The Hotel Dante became overrun by young, aimless gay men and lesbians with good skin and no jobs. The only thing that didn’t change was Grace herself. In the present day, she remains young, beautiful, powerful and really, really pissed at Ambrosius.

One day (in Season 1), Kevin, a young man from a troubled home, moved to the island to be with his boyfriend, Toby. Swarthy, sensible and sensitive, Toby had a history of taking in strays with lickable abs and saucer-like eyes, so their relationship seemed to be a match made in Abercrombie heaven.

One night, Ambrosius lured Kevin into the hotel basement for a make-out session, using just his mind. Unbeknownst to Grace, Ambrosius spent the last century learning Tresum, because you can only do so many Sudokus before you go insane.

The power of Kevin’s kiss not only freed Ambrosius, it restored his looks and youth. Ambrosius quickly learned the ways of the 21st century, got a driver’s license, stopped talking like a Dickens character and changed his name from Ambrosius to the equally unfortunate “Bro.”

Really? Are we really going to have to call this guy “Bro”? I guess it could be worse. If his name had been Deuteronomy, it would now be “Dude.”

Bro’s new raison d’être then became obtaining Kevin for himself at any cost. If he had to resort to using some Tresum, so be it. And if Toby could be destroyed in the process, bonus!

Still with me? Wondering where the girls are? We’re getting there.

Meanwhile, Toby’s Best. Lesbian. Friend. Ever. and the Hotel Dante’s artist-in-residence, Vanessa, was having girl troubles. Van’s lover Michelle wasn’t happy about her fascination with the dark powers of Tresum. Michelle decided she’d be happier with a vanilla girl and a vanilla life and fled to her hometown in Iowa. The only interesting thing about Michelle is her lesbianism.