“Dante’s Cove” Recaps: Episode 3.1

Bro basks in the afterglow of a shower well-taken, as Kevin gently asks Daddy for a favor. He wants Bro to take him to the grand reopening of H2Eau (the hottest outdoor bar on the island) because he hasn’t been out of the house or put on a pair of pants in weeks. Bro and Kevin engage in the island’s most popular pastime, S&M, as in standing and modeling.

Behold Kevin’s jewelry. It’s not only the gayest bracelet on earth, it’s Bro’s magical band of servitude. As long as Kevin wears it, Bro controls his every move. Nothing says “love” like full-time house arrest. Not that you’d want to be seen wearing that thing anyway.

At H2Eau, (taken from the French periodic table), Brit is making out with Elena, a vacationing art gallery owner, as well as former Calvin Klein underwear model and plaything to Angelina and Madonna.

Bro swaggers over to the bar where Marco, the owner, is having a drink and complains about the music. He’s done “research” on this whole music thing. Good for you, Myles Standish. Welcome to techno.

Marco says the music is popular, and that’s good enough for him. Bro thinks being popular isn’t good enough. He says, “To succeed, we have to be huge.” Being huge makes you popular and probably successful, too, depending on your definition.

Marco: There’s no “we.”
Bro:
Really? That’s not what you said when H2Eau washed away in the tsunami.
Marco:
I asked you for a loan to open the new place. That’s all. A silent partner.
Bro: [very sternly] I will be happy to let you run this place. And our arrangement will be our little secret. But I will be here every night looking over your shoulder, and I will be protecting my investment. Now, I’m going to talk to the DJ.

I laughed out loud. Every word out of Bro’s tight, angry mouth is over-enunciated and spat out like a bad aftertaste. Lighten up, bro. I mean Bro. Or Dude. Or whatever you’re calling yourself this year.

And what now? There was a tsunami? That would explain why the Hotel Dante sign looked like the Statue of Liberty in the last scene of Planet of the Apes.

The two lesbians, Brit and Elena, have finally come up for air. Brit asks Elena if she can stay a little longer, but Elena balks. She’s already stayed two weeks longer than her original trip. How many vacation days does this chick get?

“I can’t believe it’s only been a month,” Brit says, all googly-eyed. “I feel like I’ve known you forever.” Beep … beep … Hear that? That’s the U-Haul backing up to the building.