“Dante’s Cove” Recaps: Episode 3.5 “Naked in the Dark”

Last call — Over at H2Eau, it’s closing time. The topless boys and one token girl that make up the waitstaff busy themselves with wiping tables and sweeping floors, pocketing a forgotten Saint roach here and there, and trying not to wonder too long about the mystery stains in the bathroom.

Bro is in his office reading his Sun Book, oblivious to the mess Kevin made while ransacking the place looking for the coveted tome. Normally as fastidious as the next gay man, Bro no longer cares if his desk is tidy, his window treatments hang just so, or if his orchids are watered. Bro’s laser-like focus kept him going for the 167 years he was locked in Grace’s basement, and it’s what will keep him going to win back Kevin’s affections. Failing that, he’ll do a spell to replace Kevin’s brain with a ball of yarn and keep him as a house plant.

Still giddy from the afterglow of her orgasmic Shadow meld, Diana emerges from behind the trees and stands at the edge of the dance floor, decked out in a witch’s prom dress and looking downright loony. Well, at least she’s changed out of her boring linen skirt. She holds her hand out and gestures in the general direction of H2Eau’s staff.

The token girl, who mere moments ago was impassively pushing a broom and wondering when was the exact moment her acting career went off the rails, suddenly stops sweeping. She eyes a nearby busboy and, without warning, raises the wooden broom handle over her head and cracks it in half over his bare back. The busboy goes down like a pair of panties on prom night. That’ll teach you to steal tips, beeyotch.

On the other side of the dance floor, something has come over Daisy, but unfortunately, it’s not an urge to learn to read. He grabs a steak knife and shanks his co-worker in the back, burying the blade to its hilt in the guy’s rippled, tanned flesh.

Daisy steps over the heap on the floor in order to go after Token Girl. They struggle, but she’s no match for his ginormous Bowflex arms. He gets her right in the abs with his steak knife and guts her like a fish.

With no one left to kill, Daisy stands looking around, his face almost as expressive as a mannequin’s. Almost. What could he be thinking about? Existential themes in a post-modern world? Man’s relationship with God? Nah. He’s just looking for someone to stab.

Suddenly, a thought dawns on him. He plunges the knife into himself. Good night, Daisy.

Hearing the commotion, Bro steps out of his office and finds his entire staff dead on the floor. Slackers! Who’s going to clean out the margarita maker now?

Diana steps into the light and does a crazy person’s Electric Slide across the dance floor and over to Bro. Diana is a few straws short of a broomstick.

Bro: What’s happening?
Diana: We’re celebrating the new me. [steps over the bodies] Seems my friends made a mess of the club.
Bro: So, Grace was right all along. The House of Shadows is coming.
Diana: Oh, Ambrosius, can’t you tell? We’re already here.

Diana uses her newly restored powers to plaster Bro to the wall, a nice addition to H2Eau’s stuffed shark.